follow up

What to do what to do...

But of course! Blog!

My last blog mentioned a horrible horrible conversation I had with my boyfriend. At some point when I got back to SA, and we were driving home, we did break up. I don't know how or why really but we did.

Don't panic though, it wasn't for long. We talked and we cried. And then we just decided to take it one step at a time, not look too far ahead, and just be us. I don't like that I can't rely on our relationship as much as I did not even a week ago, but that's the way it is. He freaked out. He read too much into what we were doing, and what it meant we were going to be doing. He also is a 21 year old male... who wants to ... erm - spread his seed, shall I say? But in the same breath he's also in love with me (he assured me), and can't imagine someone being as good as me (I blush retyping that...). So what do we do?

In the horrible hours that passed between our first conversation on the phone, and when I got to see him and talk to him face to face, I thought a lot of things. One was that cliche -"If you love them, let them go. If they love you they will return." And it made my heart ache. Mainly because it made me realise that yes I do love him, but no I don't think enough of myself to trust he would come back. I can't let him go ...

I also thought, pushing aside the pain of breaking up, that if we weren't together, I would probably save up money and leave the country... or study again... or leave the country to study. So when we were deciding to "start again" (not that we really can... you can't erase 3 years), we decided that, rather than buy a house, we would save to travel. To go to America.

I don't know what to do about his yearning to experience ... well, exploits so to speak ... but I know he wants to go to America to meet some online friends and hang out for a while there. Who knows, maybe I'll get confident enough to turn a blind eye while I go and travel Europe for a bit... Eh. Its all so hard to think about.

But I think the main thing is that he's still there. He still loves me. I still love him. Whether or not that is smart remains to be seen.

x