2010 on the horizon

The end of 2009 kind of shocks me. I mean, is it really the end of December? Really? Or is it some big joke and its still July or something. I guess it is a bit too warm to be July. 37C today... eew.

I suppose the reason that it doesn't feel like its been a whole year yet is that 2008 was such a huge year for me. So much happened! This year there have been a few things, but it was no 08, that's for sure. And really, that's a relief.

What happened this year? Well... most importantly I got a beautiful nephew. Charlie Jay Schunke is the best person in the world. I love his gummy little grin, his little open mouthed stare and the way he hoons around the living room in his little walker. He does no walking - only racing.

Mum told me that the other day Dad and Charlie were chasing eachother around the counter with Charlie in his walker, and Dad on the computer wheelie chair. How cute!

This year I also got back into painting, and I wrote a novel. A shitty novel to be sure, and something that will never see the light of day. But goddamn it felt good to do it. I wrote 50,000 words in a month! And next year will be better, because - well, it can't get worse! Onward and upward!

Goals for the new year? Well... They come under a few headings I guess.

Money:
I want to continue my savings so that by the end of 2010 I'll have at least $5000 for my trip to America in July 2011 for Leakycon. If I have more - even better! I might be able to travel elsewhere in America, maybe go visit Lils in Canada, or even go over to the UK and visit my heimat.

Me:
I want to be healthier. I know I say it too often, but seriously Amanda! You're 23 now - get a grip! I need to get into some kind of routine of walking more, and eating more healthy foods in smaller portions.

I also need to continue to be creative. I feel so accomplished when I get a painting out, and when I write poetry or stories. The big one in 2010 will be to write a novel in November that isn't as crappy as the last one, and that I can maybe work on to get published one day. But apart from that, I also want to produce at least 6 major paintings.

Us:
I need to keep my relationship with Nannal as honest as possible. I find the times when I get the most disillusioned with our relationship are when I let things happen in my head. I mean, when I have dialogue and play through situations without actually talking to Nannal about it. Reality checks are needed! I know are relationship is not perfect. But I also know I want it to keep going... which will be tough since we've been together for a little over 4 years now. We will celebrate (hopefully) our 5 year anniversary in November 2010.

For 2 people who at the start were afraid of commitment, we're doing pretty well.

Career:
This one is trickier. I want to get a job that will lead somewhere and will employ my mind as much as my physical labour. That is not as easily done as said.

To that end though I will be studying my Graduate Certificate of Criminology and Criminal Justice, so that I will be more qualified to work in a field that both interests me and employs more regularly than plain old anthropology or online anthropology (even rarer me thinks).



And I think that's it! Baby steps really. I need to identify the things that make me happy, and the things that will make me happy to achieve and break them down into doable baby steps. Life is for living, and I really want to feel that I've lived.

Me So Slack

So... its been a long long time since I blogged. I could blame it on something, but I won't. Instead I will briefly run through the major things that have happened between October and now.

1. I'm older!

Yes I had a birthday. I'm now 23 years old, and starting to feel old. Mainly because at the shops you generally round 23 up to 25 and that means I'm in my mid 20s and that means I'm like the age of most people on TV series, and that means .... I'm no longer a teen-ish young person! Not that I've acted that way for a very long time, but I liked to cling to the "old soul in a young body" thing. Now I'm catching up body wise.... Yeesh - Imagine how I'll feel when I get over the 30 line! Lol.

2. Job interview

I made to the first round of selection for a job in Canberra! I was so excited. All year I have been sporadically applying for jobs - jobs that I've really wanted, and jobs that I've only wanted because I needed the money. And all I seem to get is Dear John letters... "We regret to inform you..." But with this job I got one step further! So even if I don't get a phone call in a couple of weeks, I won't be so sad, because I at least got a bit further with this one.

3. Wedding

On the actual date of my birthday my cousin Samantha got married! It was down in Victor Harbour, which was exciting because it meant we had to drive from the Barossa down there. We decided to take the most direct route, which meant taking the way through the hills. It was.... interesting. Lol. And somewhat scary... But we got there! Nannal got me a laptop for my birthday, so we were able to navigate with confidence ... kinda.

Anyway the wedding was lovely. Even though it was over 36C in the Barossa when we left, it was only 23C in Victor, so the weather was perfect for a wedding. We were in this awesome garden, and it was just all very ideal.

After the ceremony we (by we I mean Nannal, Teeni, Jay, Mum, Dad, Aunty Ce, Uncle Roly, Megan, Emma, Pat and I) went back to the caravan park where we were staying, and Mum pulled out a birthday cake for me. It was very sweet. But it would have looked very odd to any one else - we were all dressed up in our wedding clothes (high heels and all), gathered around a small card table, eating cake off plastic plates. Add to that it gradually got quite cold, and I got a blanket to drape on my cousin Megan ... lol. But I enjoyed it.

The reception was interesting to say the least... It was all the normal stuff... Food, speeches (which stopped us getting food ...grr), wine and dancing. My cousin Peter got really drunk and had a spazz that Grumps "didn't love him" because he is gruff. Seriously... Grumps is the kind of man who will NOT express affection willingly to another male. That's how he was brought up. That's just how he is. Get OVER it. Peter's Dad got over it...

Anyway then the real drama started. My sister and Jay got drunk. Drama happened. Jay got offended and decided to come back to the site, take the swag and drive home. Yes, 4 hours home. He got about 1/2 an hour away before he crashed into someone else and wrote off the car. And he was 3 times over the limit.

But we didn't know this at the time though. I got a call at about 2am from Jay saying his phone was about to die, and that he needed to speak to my sister. He couldn't though because she was passed out... but he told me he'd written the car off.

So the next morning was a bit of sleuthing... Trying to find out where he was. Eventually we found out that he'd got a lift a bit of a way up the road from the station he was processed at to a BP where he caught a taxi all the way to Gepps Cross which cost over $250. Then he walked to Elizabeth shopping centre from there and bought a phone to call us to tell us what was going on. MENTAL!

4. NaNoWriMo

I did NaNoWriMo 09! And I freaking won! That's right bitches, I wrote a novel. I mean, its a shit novel, but its a novel nonetheless. And the point isn't to write something that is publishable straight away, but to just actually write 50,000 words in one month. It taught me what works for me in writing, and what doesnt'. It taught me what I like to write, and what I don't. And it taught me that I can actually write a lot of words if I need to. It was a wonderful experience. I already know I won't do anything with the story I wrote, but I learnt a lot for next year. Hopefully I can put a lot more planning into next years event and come out with something that I can use as a foundation to becoming published one day.


5. Lots of working

And finally - its Christmas! Which means people buy a shit load of chocolate... which means I'm going to be working pretty much non stop til December 25. But that's ok! Cos I need the money!

I am going to a) Pay off my credit card; b) Have at least $5000 to go to America in 2011; and c) Save to invest after 2011.

That's why!


Anyway, after a break as long as I had from blogging, this has exhausted my brain!


I'm going to go and make dinner!




x

Yesterday was shocking. Absolutely horrible. Why? Well... on Saturday night I went to a friend's 21st. We got there late, and left (relatively) early... yet somehow I managed to drink 1 bottle of wine on my own, plus a glass of moscato. Hm.

When we got home, I fell into bed and then I remember moaning that I might need a bucket. Thankfully I didn't need it... until the next morning. My god - The whole of yesterday was spent trying to ignore the fact that I had absolutely nothing left in my stomach yet I really really felt that I was going to be sick again. 6 seperate occasions - each with at least 5 head-in-bucket moments.

I thought I might feel better if I rehydrated - but alas, my stomach did not agree, and up it came. Delightful isn't it?

Finally at about 7pm which was actually 8pm due to day light saving... I had some food. And it stayed down. I felt like I was going to vomit again... but didn't.

Then I watched Midsomer Murders, Compass, and a documentary on a violinist called Yehudi Menuin. These shows were actually all very good and served to improve the day as much as it could have been.

Then I went to bed.
End of terrible day, with a not so terrible ending.


Today I watched a video by Tom Milsom ... I think that everyone should watch it. It is very good. He is very articulate. (And quite a bit cute too). If you ever feel you want some cute/awesome music, he's good at that too.



Anyway. I'm going to attempt to make this day more productive and less vomit-y. I lost 1.5 kgs yesterday... better make up for it!

This blog comes in 3 parts

1. Dr. Who

I have decided to jump on the bandwagon and finally watch the new series of Dr. Who. And it's awesome. I have been trying to trick Nannal in to buying them for me for ages, but he's lazy. So... well, itunes and illaglity are for me. I feel bad about the illegality bit, but hey - I don't get BBC or ABC so back off!

Anyway, I'm up to the 3rd season with Martha. I predict that by tomorrow, I will be up to date... which really tells you alot about my life at present...

2. Curtains

As mentioned (or gushed about, either way) in the last blog, I have NEW curtains. They are simply marvelous. I will find a picture and upload them. Sadly, we didn't have enough curtain tape to go the whole way so I presently have 3/4 of the curtains (i.e., one window has just one curtain, while the other has 2...). But it makes no difference! The floral is gone... GONE! (With the exception of the couches which are covered in the same material... but I have plans for them too... evil material must GO!)

See? Awesome plain old white. ^.^

3. Book challenges and teenagers

I have read 2 seperate blogs lately about book challenges in America. Both blogs were written by wonderful authors who I love and follow (through blogs, videos etc.) but are (as far as I know) unrelated in any way. However apparently the book challenge and ban issue has arisen again. The main argument that I have heard (from the sane side) is that parents who believe that their child should not be reading a certain book due to sexually explicit content (the major reason) or any other reason, have every right to prevent their child from reading it. But that is as far as it should go. Their child. Librarians are not just people who catalogue books, say "Sssh", or know where to put piles of books in shelves. Oh no! They know about books. They read books. And they know what is and is not appropriate for libraries.

Despite some sensationalist claims, a librarian will not put pornography on a shelf for teenagers. What they do, is chose books that may have sexual content for their broader themes. As teenagers in general are becoming aware of the sexual side of life, and are curious as to how it all fits together, so books that they read reflect this. If we were deprived of all reference to sexuality in books, we would be in the dark and thus more likely to go down the wrong path.

Some people think that just because we are exposed to something means that we are going to do it. Regardless of the context. My main example is "Looking for Alaska" by John Green (who is one of the authors who writes about this due to this book being challenged). Alaska is being challenged because it contains a scene that describes oral sex. Parents believe this is explicit, and in some cases refer to it as pornography. Green argues that in context the scene serves to portray casual sexual encounters in a wholly negative light. The scene is awkward and unsexy. It is also immediately followed by a genuine non-sexual interaction, which highlights the awkwardness and unsexiness of the oral sex scene. Authors do this all the time. Especially in teen novels.

I think this is because we remember our own first sexual encounters. We didn't know what to do. We didn't know where sex fits into a normal and healthy relationship. So we just ... gave it a go. With generally awkward results. I believe that if kids were to read Alaska, or any other novel like this, rather than being tempted to give awkward oral sex a go, they would be tempted to give genuine relationships a go.

Why? Because most kids are not dumb. Just like most adults are not dumb. Funny that, given that kids are just adults who haven't got out of school yet.* So if you think that teens are as easily led as sheep, then you are assuming that people in general are that too. If you think that kids aren't able to read critically, then perhaps you are assuming that you can't read critically. Can you pick up on the context and discern whether or not it is encouraging? I sure can. I don't watch a movie where drugs are being taken and illnesses caught, and no life lived and think "OH WOW! That looks like awesome fun!"

I don't watch crime shows or murder movies and think "Oh my. That looks so easy. Murder and crime are the way to go. They will serve all my problems."

I think that we are, and mostly always have been, pretty good at picking these things up. You know, since you first learnt the difference between "fiction" or "non-fiction". Since you first learnt right from wrong. And since you first learnt that you don't know everything, and you need to have peek into other people's lives (real or imagined) to better know the world around you.

Librarians know this. I think librarians are probably the most intelligent people... especially in high schools. Just like John Green goes on about all the time: you can't imagine a single person, or a group of people in an un-complex manner. "Teens are easily led" is as untrue a statement as "Cats are black". Sure, some teens may be easily led, and some cats may be black, but parents need to have faith in and understanding of their children, so that the decisions they make are the best for their child. No knee jerk reactions please. I don't want one mother, whose child is allegedly dumb, to decide what is right for all children. Lord knows that if I wasn't allowed to read the books that I read, I would have gone mad. I needed to see the world through books. I needed to comprehend human relationships outside of my little box in a country town, in a christian school. And the understanding that I came to as a result of my fictional explorations made me into the person I am today: the adult.


*I know there is quite a bit of difference between 15 year olds and 35 year olds, but when you really remember who you were at 15, was it that different to who you are now? Sure, you might have been less mature, more confident, more sure that you knew everything (on the surface at least) - but are you that different? No. Teens aren't a different species, no matter how far we try to distance ourselves from our teenage past.




Right. End of rant.

I had better go and watch Doctor Who: Season 3, Episode 7 "42".


xx

Working working working...

Yesterday I worked at the Adelaide Arcade store from 8.30am to 5pm. Crazy shit for me! I'm used to little 5 hour shifts... And what's more, at Vic. Square, we have one little spiral stair case that you really only need to go up twice a shift. At Adelaide Arcade they have like 60 stairs that you go up to various levels multiple times... My legs! My calfs! eeeee! Ah its painfully obvious how unfit I am...

In other news, my Mum and my Sister (possibly) are coming over tomorrow to help me with putting the curtains in the curtain rods. I'm super excited! Yes, it sounds lame, but when you've been living with curtains that are SO floral and dark and blegh, the prospect of new WHITE curtains fills your heart with joy! The house will not have to be spotless to suggest a feeling of clean! Yay! That's the best kind of curtain.

That's them! The icky curtains! Taken when Nannal and i were on the way to a 20's party. Zoot suit!

Oh and in "Read 50 books in a year challenge" news, I am now onto Johnathan Kellerman's Twisted. Its very good so far. I wasn't sure it was going to draw me in when I started it, but lo and behold, the characters are making it interesting, if not the case yet (its crime).

Hmm... I think that is all I have to say. Sad isn't it?


Ooooh well.

Maybe next time I'll read a controversial news story and offer my opinion. Maybe I'll have read something other than fiction. You never know.



xx

The News... IN PICTURES!

An account of today in photos.


Taking pictures in the over exposure of mid-day. In between the pouring rain of course. Today was strange that way.

Showing off my new witches hat with my favourite Harry Potter book. Well, its a toss up between HBP and PS. ^.^

Me caught in a very pretty spider web! Oh noes! ... Yes, I love PhotoBooth.
Sun set over the vineyards and trees out the back of our place. I like clouds.... I can't help it.
From the opposite direction: the actual sun. Lovely isn't it?


Oh and here is a picture of the sunrise I took the other morning. ^.^

Totally missed August

So I did not blog at all last month. I suck. Never mind. It isn't as though anyone reads it, and I think I do it more to reassure myself that I can write more than just status updates these days.

Anyway, I actually do not have that much to write about at present. So I think I will use this space to outline a bit of a goal for myself. I think it is fair to say that I feel pretty directionless at the moment. Rather than being depressed about it though, I actually feel kind of free. I had wanted to go straight back into Anthropology next year and do a PhD., but now I'm not so sure, and the realisation that I might not do that has kind of opened a whole realm of possibility up for me mentally.

I think my most likely course of action will be to study a post-graduate diploma in criminology. It would be a very interesting topic for me, and one that could open up a lot of career opportunities. I would probably have to do it through the Open university, or I would have to move to Melbourne. I'm not fussed either way to be honest. I could continue working at Haigh's quite happily if I was studying again.

If I moved to Melbourne I might still work for Haigh's, considering they've 5 stores over there as well.

Another option that my Dad actually suggested, was to apply for a position in Canberra with one of a few government branches. That way I'd have a challenging job, live in a new place, and, should I want to continue study later on, the department might help me to do that.


So that's exciting! Of course I would love to continue my life as it is now, if I were satisfied with that, but I know I will get despondant again, and I need some goals and directions. All through our childhoods we are brought up with the idea of progress and of attaining higher levels, and so living a year with no goal other than to "have a year off" has been kind of odd. But not unenjoyable!


Hm... I think I'm off to go and look into the Open university for a bit...


xoxo

Kristina Horner, a youtube and wrock celebrity, recently wrote a blog that I found really interesting. Actually, I find most of her blogs really interesting because she is just such a normal person who leads a life that I am occasionally quite jealous of. But anyway, but to the blog - she was discussing the way that she is viewed as a youtube celebrity, and how the fact that she has loads of subscribers and makes videos about her life makes viewers believe that they have the right to comment on her life.

She sums it up well - if she asked what we think, or asked for advice, then we would be entitled to answer and give opinions. But in videos when she is just talking about her tour, or her car, or skymall products, comments about her relationship are uncalled for.

The idea of celebrity is a big mess anyway, in my opinion. But when you apply it to YouTube celebrity, it gets wierder. On YouTube, subscribers get to feel that they know the youtuber, especially if many of their videos fit into the 'vlog' category. I blogged about this before, but this leads to the feeling of a one way relationship that feels more like friendship than fandom. This alone makes the experience of both being a YouTube celeb AND a 'fan'/viewer/subscriber inherently different. Add to this the freedom of any viewer (whether regular or not) to comment on videos without restriction (well, unless it is spam or ridiculously explicit) leads to a space that enables the free performance of both "fandom" and hating.

Think about it - in real life, if you were speaking about something, or performing something, not everyone would come up to you and say "Wow that was great" - only a small percentage of brave people would. Even fewer would come up and say "Oh man, that was horrible" and I doubt anyone would say "Hey you know your boyfriend is like a foot shorter than you? Your relationship is therefore doomed". If they did I am sure they would get a very alarmed look and people would slowly back away from them...

On YouTube however, many more viewers feel inclined to comment because it is a free space. No one (virtually) is going to come up to you in real life and say "You are out of line!". Any resulting confrontation is confined to the computer which you can walk away from. But does that free space entitle us as viewers to use that freedom to comment on anything?

Kristina argues that it doesn't. And I would be inclined to agree. It comes down to respect really. Respect for a person's life with the understanding that just because they are opening their lives up in some small way or performance, does not mean they are now an open and free book for all to comment, scrutinise and change. Of course, in an ideal world we would all understand that and be as respectful to YouTubers as we are to our friends. Naturally, this world is not ideal and I think we will be hard pressed to stop people from feeling they have the liberty to comment on every aspect of someone who they have a relatively small understanding of personally.

The solution? No idea! But with Kristina I believe she is pretty well protected. Her subscribers are pretty loyal, and we tend to shout down (or thumbs down) overly rude or disrespectful comments rather rapidly...

Kristina's channel and blog.

Boyfriend Blabber

WARNING: This post is not very interesting. I just feel like talking about my boyfriend... so... yeh!

Right. Well firstly, my boyfriend is lovely. He is hilarious, sweet, and affectionate. Plus he's incredibly good looking if you ask me, which doesn't hurt either. I know sometimes I let myself get overly dramatic and think that it isn't going to work out. And sometimes I realise that, you know - this is my first proper relationship! What are the chances of it working out? Which leads to freak out blogs and people worrying that things aren't all as chipper as they might seem.

The fact of the matter is though, I think that things as they are, it will work out. And sure, I might occasionally yearn for a passionate affair with someone who is completely not like Nannal but I really don't believe that comes from a place of unhappiness. That is more likely the old "The Grass is Always Greener" truth.

Nannal makes me laugh. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel loved.

If this was even 50 years ago, the chances are that we'd be married now... But it isn't 50 years ago, and it isn't expected that we'll do it, so we won't. And I am actually ok with that. Sometimes I look at other people's weddings and I really do understand why people do it. And sometimes I think about what I would want for myself. But I am perfectly happy to save myself the trouble, and keep us as "basically married" rather than "actually married" lol. I never used to want to get married. I though it was an outdated convention that really had no place in a modern relationship... lol. But I guess my perspective has shifted and I have more respect for these things. So if Nannal suddenly got it into his head that it would be an awesome idea... I'd probably do it. Freaking out all the way, naturally...



That's the long and short of it. I guess what I need to do, is print off all this ... and everything that reminds me of why I love him, and stick it somewhere so when we have a fight, or when I feel all doom and gloom, I can read it and snap out of it. Because he is worth it. We are worth it.

Ok. Enough blabber. Its time for some coffee!

Non-cyst-based-news

In other less gross news...

Last night while trying to get to sleep, I stumbled across a show on ABC that showed that battle of the native Aboriginal people of the Yorke Peninsula to preserve their sacred ground from development. It was a very emotional program actually.

You see, all along the coast line there are areas where Aboriginal people lived and died. Thus there are many areas where they were buried. Just like a white cemetery, this ground is special and sacred to them. And it should be special and sacred to us too, because this is our land as well now. But developers don't seem to be able to fit their plans around the local people.

In one case, crushed bones were found where a development had gone ahead despite the claim of local Aboriginal people that the land was a sacred site. There was a water hole, which typically means that there will be burials around the area (any where that people gathered on a regular basis is bound to be a place where people will also die). And despite the claim that the area was significant, and an archeologist's claim that it was also archeologically significant, the develpment went ahead. Lo and behold - human bone fragments were discovered.

Its just shocking. For the Aboriginal people, there is such a connection between the land and the human. Dream time stories illustrate this with the easy shift between humans and animals into landscape. When an Aboriginal person dies, and they are buried, they do not disappear. They are returned to the land that they came from. That spot, that land is sacred. It is the person, just as the person is the land. Life and land are sacred because they are the same thing.

So imagine what it would feel like to watch that land where your ancestors have been buried, being torn up. Being dug up. Being disturbed, changed, desecrated. It was hard for me to watch, and I can't even fully understand what they must be feeling.

So I changed my mind. One of the first things I would do with $90 million would be to buy sacred land and make it protected. To make it a park or something that belongs to the local people.

All sacred sites should be heritage listed. Why aren't they? I mean, if you can heritage list a building that was built 150 years ago by someone who arrived here on a boat, surely you can heritage list something that was made thousands of years ago by generations of people who were born and died in this country, for this country, with this country.

I don't want to go on about it, but it strikes me as something that is incredibly important, but is overlooked by virtually everybody. The cultural landscape of the aboriginal people is hard enough to define as it is. It is hard to preserve. But how can you maintain it even ideologically without the land that is integral to it? That inspires it? How? What is important to one person should be respected by another. That's as simple as I can put it... And how can we keep denying that?

Oh that old Thyroglossal Cyst...

Today I discovered that the lump that magically appeared on my neck yesterday morning is called a "Thyroglossal cyst" (please note that I would not have remembered this if it had not been for the wonders of wikipedia...). It is a cyst that grows along the membrane that connects the tongue to the thyroid. Apparently there are ducts there and sometimes they get all cysty - as many other parts of the human body do too...

The wierd thing about this though, is that it is a lump under my chin, on my neck, that makes me look a little like I'm a frog, or that I've suddenly developed another chin... or more accurately, that I am growing a golf ball from my neck.

Yes it looks wierd... but that is not all. You see, since it is connected to my tongue, whenever I move my tongue, it hurts. "But how often do you really move your tongue Amanda?" Well, kind non-existant-questioner, the answer is - A LOT.

You move your tongue to swallow, to eat, to drink, to talk, to cough. To absent mindedly lick your lips (which becomes less absent minded when you think "OW!").

Naturally, what with this lump being in my neck, it also hurts when I let my head fall forward. As it turns out, I do that a lot when I'm trying to sleep ... which means that it is a lot harder to fall asleep...

Oh man... what an odd malady.

But don't worry it should go away within 4-6weeks...

BUGGER!

90 Million Dollars

Oh my. Every week huh Amanda? Try once a month you slackarse. :-P

Anyway. Lately everyone has been discussing what they would have done if they had been lucky enough to win the $90 million OZLotto that went off last Tuesday... so I thought I would share my thoughts.

First off - GET RID OF DEBT! That's my first goal whether I win money or not. I have debt and I don't like it. So the first thing would be to pay off my credit card, my car loan, and my HECS.

Next thing: a permanent investment. Buy a house to live in. That is also in the cards for ordinary savings... but I think if I had a ridiculous amount of money to spend, the house I envision would be just a tad different. Still, I don't think it would be palatial or anything. Just roomy, and really, really well constructed and designed.

On top of that I would buy a house for Nannal (just so we're even), and two investment properties to rent out. Then a house for my sister, pay off my parent's mortgage, Nannal's parent's mortgage, and buy them both a holiday house wherever they want. My nephew would probably also get a house, but I imagine it would be an investment property.

Speaking of Charlie, I would put aside a fair bit of money for him too. Say, $1,000,000? Why not - he's my nephew!

Oh and my friends would naturally all get huge amounts of money.

I was thinking I could probably pay for all of my friends to come with me to some exotic location for a week or so. We could have the most exciting cocktails, get facials all day and do whatever the hell it is rich people do on holiday.

But all that would probably make me feel a little guilty. And having that much money is a bit ridiculous so I would give some to charity. Which charities? Well, that's the question. There are SO many of them! But off the top of my head, probably Childfund, World Vision, Red Cross, Amnesty International, The Wilderness Society, The Cancer Council ... a charity to do with disabled children ... downs syndrome... all things that are close to my heart and are underfunded by Governments.

The funny thing is, even doing all that, you would probably have so much money left over!

Lets see:
My debt (and this is mainly uni so don't judge me): $33,000
My House: $800,000
Nannal's house: $600,000 (can't be as good as mine :P)
Investment properties: $800,000
Teeni's house: $400,000 (given she lives up north, that's practically a mansion)
Charlies house: $400,000 (one in the city)
Parent's mortgages: $100,000
Holiday houses: $1,200,000
Charlie's money: $1,000,000
Friends (20 of them ish): $10,000,000
Trip to Hawaii or something with 15 people: $1,500,000
Charity: $9,000,000

What's that? Like less than $26,000,000!!

Oh I'd make scholarships, and regular donations to this that and the other. I'd probably invest in shares. I'd probably try and fix up some old family heritage houses. I'd go around the world - comprehensively!

I'd build a school.
I'd build the best goddam orphanage any kid has ever seen in Romania because that shit is just not on.

And still I'd have millions left over. Its enough to make you cry at the absurdity of it.

Community Online

Slack slack slack I have been. But really, when all you do all day is a variation on surfing the web, trying to find a job, cleaning, cooking (watching too much masterchef) and watching TV/DVDs, what is there to blog about?

I guess with my increased viewing of the News I could comment on the big stories, like the Iranian elections, the Air France disaster, and the horrible things happening in many parts of the world, but really, I don't think what I have to offer could contribute very much since my understanding of the situation is based mostly on snippets seen on biased news stations.

However, I have made a decision. I will blog at least once a week. I will even try to blog about something interesting. I know... bold move.

So for the first attempt at something interesting, here is my take on:

Community Online

This is a topic I could talk your ear off about. It is a major point in studying the Internet from an Anthropological perspective, as well as generally interesting for any one who regularly uses the web.

For me I find the concept of community online at once both attractive and confusing. When you are part of an online community, there is no doubt that there really is a sense of community. However when you are not part of an online community there is a sense of disbelief that such a sense could occur.

For example, I was part of an online community of viewers/participants in the LonelyGirl15 phenomenon. I actually came to it fairly late, but was around for the last 2 seasons. In watching regularly, and being an active part of the forums, it was easy to identify myself as part of the community. We solved problems together, we knew eachother's names. We knew eachother's quirks and biases. However it took intensive involvement to feel like a real part of this community of fans.

On the other hand, nowadays twitter is becoming massive. A lot of people talk about the ways that twitter is interactive and social, but for me, as someone who follows many people, but only has advertisers following me (I guess they think that I will be so grateful that someone cares that I'll buy their product...), twitter is more like television, or news headlines. I am updated constantly on what people are doing. I can reply to what people are doing, but I never hear anything back. It is entirely one way for me. It isn't that way for everyone though... for example several of the people I follow are friends (online and off) who tweet, retweet and reply to eachother. They sometimes have entire conversations via twitter. But for someone who is really only following because I am a fan of these people and the creative work, I am not really a part of the community.

The begs the question - what is community?

Oh and what a question. Anthropology has tried to answer this question so many times, and before the internet community usually suggested vague links to do with common interest, and common geography. For example I live in the Barossa Valley and people talk frequently about the community here.

With those vague guidelines I guess community online makes sense. Common interest is obvious - you can be part of a community on YouTube that vlogs about certain things, or a group online in favour of something, part of a fandom etc. Common geography in a less traditional sense makes sense as well. While we are definately not all in the same physical location, we generally converge on particular sites. For example there are You Tube communities, LonelyGirl15.com, Harry Potter fans at leaky-cauldron.org, or mugglenet.com. Groups of people with common interests often form their own sites with forums that they can interact on and discuss the topic or topics that bind them.

But with online communities, more so (I think) than offline communities, there is a heavier emphasis on participation. While I am part of the Barossa community, I don't really do anything. I shop in the Barossa and I live here, but I don't participate in community events really. Whereas online I would not count myself as part of a community unless I was involved. I would have to at least join the site, at least read some forums or articles etc., in order to feel that I was part of a community, and in order for others to feel that I was too.

I guess with online communities that emphasis on participation is needed because unless you participate, no one actually knows you exist. In the Barossa community I am counted in because I live in the Barossa. I have an address in the Barossa and people (if they look hard enough) know where I am. Online if I just lurk, so to speak, no one knows I exist, and I can't be a part of a community if I effectively don't exist to the other members.

So I guess that is the sticking point... Interaction. Involvement. Interest. Ooooh. Three I's... isn't that convenient?

More analysis would be easier if I actually made an effort to research the specific ways that people define community in anthropological texts and elsewhere, but I feel that most people don't go on definitions that theorists have made over the last 100 years. Most people do what I do, and define them based on their experiences. "When is the word community most used in the context of my life?" is a more useful question than "What does the Oxford Student's Dictionary (now with colour!) say about community?" or "What did that man 40 years ago say about community?".


Aaaanyway. That went on for a lot longer than I planned. But at least I can say I've done something this morning. ^.^

xo

Le Sigh

My last blog was depressing wasn't it? Seriously... but I should follow up before I let a whole month pass. I was in a bad frame of mind. My expectations had been meddled with watching too many romantic video clips, and too many music videos. Yeh ... add to that the fact that I was alone and coming down with something... it made for a pretty sad and melodramatic Manda.

Things with me and Nannal are good. I still get annoyed at him when he says "I don't know" all the time when I want to have a conversation. I still think that our expectations do not line up frequently but the bottom line is this: he makes me happy. I make him happy. I love him and he loves me. Cheesy but true.

So that's what I'm happy with right now. I really do need him, and that is enough for now.

I don't know.

I haven't been blogging lately. I wasn't really sure why, but I realised that it was because I have something real to blog about. And I'm afraid to write about it. I'm afraid of the conclusions that I'll reach. I'm afraid of questions that I desperately don't want to ask. I don't care if no one reads this. I don't care if everyone reads this, although I would be embarassed if everyone I knew read it ...

I'm procrastinating.

Lately I have been really worried about my relationship. I've been with Nathaniel for almost 3 and a half years now. Its been great. Its been shit at times but mostly its been shit.

The thing that people need to know is that when we first got together we were both like "NO COMMITMENT" and now we've accidentally got into a long term committed relationship. Although Nannal is terrified of marriage... What's that Amanda? Aren't you terrified of it too?

Actually, now - no I'm not. On a lot of levels it makes no sense. Its a government thing. Its a religion thing. But on a personal level, telling everyone that you love and care about that you love this person and want to be with no one else, is a touching thing. Yes its cheesy. Yes its overdone. Yes a lot of people do it for the wrong reasons with the wrong expectations...

But that doesn't mean its flat out wrong. And it doesn't mean that I don't want it.
I was never this girl. I was never the one to say that I want these things. But if I am totally honest with myself, I want it. I want someone to say "I love you" in front of everyone and not have to qualify it, or follow it up with a joke. I want someone to legitimately want to spend their life with me, and not wonder about what else is out there seriously.

But Nathaniel doesn't want that. I know that, and have been aware since day one. Unlike me, he hasn't changed his mind. In fact, we've spoken about these things and he's told me point blank that he doesn't think this can last. He wants to be with other people. And I guess I kind of bury my head in the sand.

I love him.
I really, really love him. So this is incredibly hard to think about.

But do I really want to stay with someone who doesn't think that I am worth it? Do I really want to stay with someone who, by his own admission, will one day break up with me or at least be unfaithful?

I don't know. And that is the answer that bothers me most. It is not as easy as a "no". And it is not as easy as a "yes". Either answer does not sit, because I don't know. If someone said this to me though, and I was the outsider, the answer "I don't know" would probably mean more no than yes...

What the fuck do I want then?
Practicality dictates my life. What would it mean if it was all to go to hell? I would have to move out. But where to? I don't have any money to do that. I don't have a job. The best I could do would be to move home. To my old room. And that would kill me. Back to Saddleworth, to my teenage bedroom...

And what did 3 1/2 years mean then? If its all for nothing... If he doesn't love me quite enough... What have I given up for him? What have I become for him?



I don't know.

I guess that sums everything up doesn't it? I just ... I just don't know.

In an ideal world I would tell him all this. And we would cry and he would tell me what he thinks. And then he would tell me all the things I really long to hear. No, not "Will you marry me and be with me forever?" Not that. He would tell me what I mean to him. He would tell me why this is hard for him as well. I want passion and painful love that is so hard to talk about. I want that feeling that people write songs about.

But all I can imagine him saying is "I don't know".

And I would break.



But this is all speculation. This is all ... this is all Amanda. I'm just sitting here alone. He is 50 minutes drive away. Probably fast asleep.

Is this just one of my famous moods? Is this just because we've been together for 3 1/2 years and things have changed. Our relationship has changed. And I really crave that falling feeling, that passion when its been replaced with comfort and steady love. Is this just because we have been together so long that we both have changed and we need to reevaluate what we want from eachother?

Or is it more. Is it because our relationship has changed for the worse? Are we fizzling out after all this time? Has he fallen out of love with me? Are my expectations just too much...

I have to laugh ... because of course the inevitable answer is "I don't know". It comes down to that doesn't it? And what do I do when I don't know something? I find out... So ... Inevitably I will have to bring out that doozy of a cliche - "We have to talk".

House Sitting Fun Times

I am presently house sitting in Saddleworth!

It is ... well it is kind of fun, but I am struggling with what to do with myself. I have been reading a lot but it isn't very productive.

I like looking after the cats. And seeing Teeni and Charlie so frequently is awesome. But it would be nice if I could combine this things with my boyfriend.... I miss having him here. He is a major major part of my life and I feel kind of useless without him there. Well, not useless exactly. But he does give me purpose. :-) Not in an antifeminist kind of way either ... its just nice to know there is someone to talk to. Someone to comfort. Someone to interact with.

Here I interact with virtual peoples and little peoples and occassionally my sister too... but not that often.

Oh well. Perhaps this is like a mini retreat...

Off to be ... all retreaty I guess.

Online "friends" ...

I feel like I've blogged about this before...

Nonetheless!

Online "friendships".

I was thinking the other day that it is a very strange phenomenon that occurs between a "fan" of someone online and that person. For example, I was trying to tell my mother about Kristina Horner from youtube/the parselmouths/italktosnakes blog, and I found myself wanting to say "my friend Kristina". Although that is not strictly true.

She actually only vaguely knows of my existence. And mostly that knowledge just places me as an anonymous number in her "subscribers" or "listeners" or "readers". But if this were offline, I am fairly sure that anyone who paid this much attention to what she had to say, and appreciated her creative outlets as much as I do (and the rest of the subscribers... I'm not the only one!), would probably be classed as a friend.

But because it is online its different. It is like a one-way friendship. I would kind of like to have a conversation with her - and anyone else that I watch/read - but I know it would be wierd because I would be at an advantage. I already know a lot about her and her life. But she would know practically nothing about me and my life. So it would be awkward probably. Or maybe I'm too selfconscious about that fact?

I think it would be similar to meeting a celebrity for the first time. Like I would really love to meet and talk to Amanda Palmer. She is my favourite artist of all time. I love her music. I love her blog. And I really admire her commitment to both music and creativity in general. She is a wonderful person. Yet if I were given the opportunity to sit down with her backstage I would feel really uncomfortable blurting out all these things because she does not know me! Sure I could think of some interesting questions to ask her and start a conversation but it is still wierd because she is the one that I know all about, and I am just fan number xy.

Anyways... Just thought I'd blog that. Its a thought that has been running around in my head for a while. :-)

Results, Insecurites, Complexities and Money

So far my plan to be more productive is creeping along ok. It would be good if I had some more palpable results, you know, like *poof!* I have $200,000 in my savings, a spotlessly clean and well set out house and 2 published books (one fiction, one non-fiction). Alas, I guess the whole point of this is so that this will eventually happen. Things, unfortunately, take time, effort and luck.

The equation probably goes TIME/EFFORT = (result x (LUCKx130000456) or something. But I think I need to remember that it isn't the results that I actually want. Its the feelings around the results. I want to feel productive. I want to feel like I'm doing something worthwhile, that I'm fulfilling some kind of purpose. And, naturally, I want to feel important. Not that I would say that out loud to anyone. Not that anyone, I think, would admit that to anyone, but its true. I want to feel that what I have done, or what I am doing is important ... and that feeling probably drives me more than anything else.

If you really think about it, I guess it comes from that old insecurity. "What do they think of me?". It isn't so much about myself, but what other people think of myself. And when I think that they think that I'm worth something then I will be worth ... something.

Of course that's bullshit. I know that. I intellectually know that. But that doesn't help me in my everyday experience so much. Its a feeling that is so deeply ingrained that even though I would counsel the same thing to anyone with the same surity that I would assure them of gravitational pull, I can't escape it myself.

Its like what John Green says so frequently. We know that other people out there are the same as us and we know that they are as complex and individual as we are, but we can't help but not imagine them with any complexity. At least, not with the same complexity that we regard ourselves. That's because we are trapped in these bodies, we cannot possibly know what it is like to be anything or anyone other than ourselves. We could imagine it sure, but we would not come close. Like when you are in great pain and someone says "I know what you're feeling" or something like that, and you could cry out and say something selfish like "How can you possibly know what I'm feeling!" because how could they? This pain is yours and no one has ever felt that before.

By the same token, how do we know that the pain we feel is unique. How do we know they don't know how we feel? That's right. We are selfish.

My boyfriend tried to tell me the other day that we, as a race, are not capable of true empathy because of this fact. He peppered his explanation with talk of survival as well. We have to look out for ourselves etc. But I countered that yes, while it is virtually impossible to be truly empathetic with someone, to truly know how they feel, it is not impossible to feel empathy at all.

I think that I am an empathetic person. When someone comes to me in pain, I try to feel their pain too. Of course that comes with my instinct born of being an older sister, to protect that person and to fix it for them. If that fails though I just have to be there for them.

Then again that flies out the window when I'm driving in the city and someone cuts me off, or is driving 15kms below the speed limit. The person in front of me is not a complex human being who is flawed but ultimately good, rather they are an IDIOT who can't drive and obviously has no regard for anyone else, or (more likely, I think in the heat of the moment) great disdain for me personally. How amusing is that? Although I fuck up on the road with frequency (I'm sure) I don't regard myself as a horrible driver, do I? So why should this person be an idiot when I've only been shown one example of their whole driving career? It really makes you think. Or, it really makes you laugh. Either way...

Anyway. Despite all this I would really like to be given everything that I want right now. Or, if I have to be picky, the money to get me started. With $200,000 I could buy some land, go over seas, fix my car and be the best aunt ever and set Charlie up with a trust fund. Unfortunately ... this will have to stay in the dream basket for now.

Still... it is a good dream ... make everyone happy, have a solid financial investment (literally solid), be flying to London to Dublin to Seattle to Boston... all that good stuff. *Le sigh*


Better get back to reality. I have a story arc to figure out.
xo

Manifesto-ish

Inspired by nerimon/Alex, I have decided that my life needs to be more productive. In his last few blogs, Alex has been talking about purging his life and gearing his actions towards outcomes. He has deleted many of his subscriptions on YouTube (down to 8 I believe!), got rid of the RSS feeds he doesn't care about on Google reader, deleted his facebook and twitter accounts and that's just the online stuff!

I have decided to take his lead. I have been kind of trying to do this kind of thing all year, but I keep starting and stopping. So lets see if this sticks...

To keep myself on track I have written down a few short goals that I want to shape my day to day life with.

• Job and Financial Security - at the moment this means job seeking and working on the budget.
• Peace and Comfort - right now this means DECLUTTERING and CLEANING, although this could also mean meditating or showering etc.
• Creativity and Personal Expression - this is one I have been neglecting quite a bit. I want to start writing creatively and drawing, but it also counts as blogging because that's personal expression, often in its most literal form...
• Knowledge - I want to try and read at least one article a day. Or research something ... Or look into Universities and their PhD programs. I can't forget that this is the direction that I want my life to head. If I could combine this with the first point, and get a job in the area ... even better! Birds with stones and all that.

I've also written this in big letters "SPEND 80% of YOUR TIME WORKING TOWARDS THESE GOALS!" because Alex pointed out that usually 80% of our outcomes are achieved during 20% of our day. I want to turn that around so that I am productive not just for 20%. Also if only 20% of my day yields results, and often I am not doing anything at all productive during most of the day, then those 80% results we are talking about are not that significant. However if I spend more time doing things that are geared towards my goals, then I can change that. The results will be greater.

Then I've just got a little list of goals/ideas that fit under the headings so that I don't spend precious time trying to figure out what to do... because that will inevitably lead me to spend hours in front of World of Warcraft or playing Bejeweled on facebook.

Oh and no, I can't bring myself to delete facebook although it would be an excellent idea to cut down on the number of times I check the damn thing. Perhaps by limiting it to maybe 3 a day? Then down to 2? Who knows maybe one day I will spend a whole day without needing to check it (and not one of those days when it is infeasible to check it... a day at home so no cheating!). But I'm not there yet.

So there it is. My new productivity plan.

I realise that I frequently (ish) blog about my goals and my plans and how I need to get into gear. But that is because I am very good at not following through. I have fabulous intentions but then get waylaid. I find more fun things to do etc. But what I need to realise is that when I look back at this year I don't want to be ashamed of all the time I could have spent doing other things!

Its not like I am going to quit doing fun stuff all together. I have a vague idea that if I spend at least 4-6 hours a day in this mode I'll be on the right track and then I can veg out, or go for a walk or something. Plus, a few of the things on my list are actually things that I enjoy doing, and wouldn't feel like that much of a strain so that will help.

But now the test - how long will it take me to get waylaid? And will I use the fact that I got waylaid to give up altogether? Hm... We shall see!

Wish me luck!

Vintage Recap with bonus Lazy report

The vintage festival I mentioned in my last blog wasn't actually all that bad. Most of the time we sat in front of Nannal's grandparents' place on the main street, sipping booze in the shade and snacking on biscuits and mettwurst (mm... mettwurst). The parade itself was interesting and strange. There was one float that was playing the star wars theme, with star wars and star trek characters sitting on it/walking around it... AND on the trailer there was a Tardis... yes, Doctor Who's mode of transport was riding on a trailer. Then I even noticed that someone was walking behind the trailer with a long multi-coloured scarf and an afro ... OhEmGee old school Doctor Who. I'm sure most people had no idea what was going on but I chuckled.

Eventually (it was a very long parade) a truck came past that had "HERITAGE HOTSPOTS - Mit 'Otto' UND 'Frieda'" on the front and there, to our amusement, was our friend Karalee waving, wearing a veil and standing next to her "bridegroom" who actually happened to be her brother in law. ^.^

And that folks, was the reason we came! Haha... inadvertantly Nannal got drunk, so that was a bonus...

Anyway I am pleased to report that, for the most part, the parade was harmless and I saw no floating corpses as feared. Although there was this one float where a guy was wearing a really wierd mask and picking up dirt/sand and muttering something... I was thoroughly confused/wierded out by that, but hey... what's one creepy float?

In other news I have become a real internet addict. I have been steadfastly ignoring the mess that is threatening to take over the whole house while staring resolutely at my computer screen. I play a lot of online games, I incessantly check YouTube for new videos and check my reader for new blogs. I wish people had as much time as me so that they could update as often as I check but then I guess the whole world would grind to a halt, since I never get anything done, thus neither would they.

I think I am possibly the worst housewife ever. I did NOTHING this morning while Mister was at work. So to distract him from that fact I seduced him when he got home... and luckily he hasn't said anything about the state of the living room... or the kitchen... or the bedroom... or anything! For now...

Not that I seduced him for that reason alone... it ended up being an excellent mood lift too. And because I was so very happy, HE was so very happy because his ego just grew like 50 times thanks me appreciating his "prowess". He jokingly said I should tell all my friends, and while I wouldn't go that far, I HAVE blogged about it .. kind of... so that should serve to inflate his head more. Lol.

Aaaaanyway. Enough of that for now I think! Better go back and check my Reader... what if someone blogged in the last 10 minutes????

:-P

Vintage-esque

Today is the Vintage parade in the Barossa... This is a phenomenon I usually read about in the paper not actually attend. But this year I live in the heart of the valley and thus I thought I'd go. Plus, you know, one of my best friends is on a float and since I have neglected to see her for like, more than a month, I should damn well make the effort!

If you don't know, and there are high chances that you don't, the Vintage festival is an annual event in the Barossa where people get all excited about ... well, as the name suggests, the Vintage. Its a wine area - what do you expect? But in the Barossa there are all sorts of odd traditions, one of which creeps me out. That is, where people enter a scarecrow competition... so there are big life size dolls around the place dressed up in various costumes that I always have to look twice at because if you don't it kind of looks like a corpse... creepy I know.

Then there is the tradition in the Tanunda supermarket (which also has life size dummies at the entrance dressed in Foodland uniforms... hm) where the checkout chicks have to wear ye olde clothes. Like skirts and bonnets and aprons... Its cute... but still wierd. Especially if you just dropped in on your way through with no idea it was vintage and just thought that it was a very backward town/supermarket.

Still the big thing is the parade, so I'm told. So I'm going to sit in front of my boyfriend's Grandparent's house and watch. And snap photos. At least it will be an experience?

Oh ... and I'm sure there will be even more stupid doll/dummy/scarecrows involved which will just be even creepier considering they will be on floats... Floating corpses... I mean ... Eeep!

A day wasted... kind of.

Today I sat in front of the computer from about 7am til 1130 and then from 12 til 4. Perhaps I have a problem... But it doesn't feel like a problem. It just feels like I'm spending alot of time in the same position. Perhaps I need one of those balls that you sit on. That would be awesome.

So all this sitting means that I don't have much to blog about lately ... which makes me sad. Reading all these awesome blogs at the moment due to BEDA makes me feel inadequate.

OH well... It is what it is, ain't it? (Now that's confusing...)

Ciao!

Just a couple of things to blog today...

1) I guess someone took pity on me, because I now have a copy of Harry, A History and am reading it with great interest. It is making me wish I was more involved in the HP community though... living in South Australia there aren't any HP Conventions or anything awesome like that. I wish there were... I could nerd out with my books out! (Like what I did there? lols I'm silly).

2) Easter! I didn't get heaps of chocolate... but I am certainly happy. We went to my parents place for dinner last night (Easter Sunday) and it was mighty enjoyable. We had kaessler and sauerkraut and YUM. My sister was also there for a while but she had to leave because young Charlie was not settled and was about to get grumpy... which is not good. Poor Teeni.

I plan to go and see her tomorrow at her house because I'm a little worried about her. She said she has the "baby blues" and cries a lot ... which makes me REALLY worried about her. I know its a huge culture shock so to speak, but I want my sister to be happy and OK with everything. So I'm going to see if I can help make her feel better and perhaps organise some strategies to help her out. She obviously isn't getting enough sleep (I wouldn't cope with that just on its own let alone with a baby to deal with too!) but I think we can figure something out.

Anyway... That was all I wanted to blog! I think I should emphasise though, if you are a HP fan in SA.. make a fandom with me. We can wrock out :-)

x

A missed opportunity

The other day I was shopping with my lovely boyfriend when we wandered into JB Hifi. I love that store - full of music that isn't usually stocked by music stores, DVDs that you can't find anywhere else and all at really competitive prices... Anyway I got so overwhelmed and picked up two movies that I wanted, and happened to be cheap and a PC game.

Later we wandered into a book store, but much to my distress I'd spent all my available money in JB. NO! I could have totally got that book that I really want: Harry - A History, but alas it was too late. So from now on I am going to stick a list to my wall and write down the things I really want on it so that next time I have a spare $30 to spoil myself with I can think clearly and get something that will really make me smile.

Anyway... that's all for now. I had a rather busy day at work (working at a Chocolate store during Easter is a bit stressful) and I have another lined up tomorrow so... better have dinner and curl up to another, less Harry Potter-esque book.

xo

Accidental BEDA

I am apparently accidentally doing BEDA - Blog Every Day April. Today is the 4th of April and this will be my 4th blog in April... amazing. Accidentally amazing, but amazing nonetheless.

Today is odd because yesterday was so long and eventful, yet today its almost midday and I have done nothing. I have put away some clothes and done some dishes as well as catching up on blogs and what not but no one has a had a baby yet... so its kind of out of sorts lol.

I am going to go and see young Mr Nephew tomorrow with Nannal, who very reluctantly agreed to come along. You see he is not a big fan of babies. Like - he doesn't like them at all. So it was hard to convince him that THIS baby is way better than the other babies. And he is! Sure, I'm biased... but if you just saw his little face doing his little baby thing... you would agree. He's so adorable/awesome/cute/small/beautiful/handsome. I'm smitten!

Anyway... Hopefully my next blog will contain some actual news or discussion rather than me waffling on about how much I love my nephew. Lol... Sorry!

xo

Nephew!

My nephew was born today at 11.29am. He weight 7lbs 6oz and he was 51 cm long. He rated 1,000,000 on the adorable scale. :-)

Oh and his name is "Charlie Jay". How sweet is that? Ah ... I've never been clucky but this baby is amazing. He's my little sister with a bit of little Justin mixed in ... and in a tiny cute package. Oh and he favours the word "Eh" alot. He's like Rihanna in a non-annoying way. If he said "Umbrella - eheheh" I would just go "Aaaaaw". As it is though he's unlikely to say umbrella.. just "eh eh eh" a lot and then hiccup.

<3

Impending Nephew

Nephew is on his way! Well... my sister has a time to be at the hospital, and then she will be induced... so he is kinda on his way. Either way he must come out because my sister is developing preeclampsia which is like... damaging and whatnot.

Anyway I predict not getting much sleep tonight. Like - at all. Uh oh - grumpy manda here we come!

xo

Potter

OK I have to admit something. The last few days I have become a bit Harry Potter mad again. Its always been lurking there beneath the surface, but it just hasn't come to the fore lately. I guess with the books having been out for so long, and the wait for the last one well and truly in the past, I haven't had reason to be a fanatic.

But I've been watching the Five Awesome Girls ... and finally I searched for wizard rock videos, or WROCK, and I'm hooked again. My lord... its hit me again! I've been watching the movies, reading the books, watching all the HP related stuff on YouTube and reading the leaky cauldron, and mugglenet again. I suppose its timely given that the movie comes out in a bit over 100 days but still... people say you move on from this kind of thing. But I guess I haven't!

Anyway. Just thought I'd confess that little bit.

Goodnight!

P.S., Still waiting for the nephew. He's so inconsiderate!

OMG

Have you ever stumbled across something online that made you go "OMG THIS IS AMAZING!"? Well I have. Several times actually, but this time its actually in a productive vein.

I was reading Apophenia today when Danah mentioned another researcher named Bernie Hogan who will be working for ... (drum roll please) the OXFORD INTERNET INSTITUTE. OMFG. This is amazing. I literally said out loud: "Oh my god - this is amazing!" to no one in particular.

I really really want to work towards being involved somehow. But at the same time I know it will be incredibly hard work to do so. I know that all my friends and family will laugh at me and say things like "Oh your so clever you'll get in easily." But I don't think they'll realise just how difficult it will be. This isn't a normal university thing. This is Oxford. I don't even know if I could be involved before I finish a PhD. And even then I would have to have my stuff/shit incredibly together to get in. I'd have to be a walking encyclopaedia of knowledge about my area. Oh lord! But its something to aim for... Something!

Excuse me while I run up and down the hallway yelling "Eeeeeeeee!" confusing everyone.

xo

OH! P.S. My sister is still waiting for her son to arrive! He will have to be born by Thursday after noon or he will be induced so... Anytime now!

Getting On Track

I don't know why I feel like this, but at the moment I feel like I've gone off track. As much as I would argue that you could never actually go "off track" because everything that you do in life teaches you something or sets you towards something else, I have this feeling that I'm drifting a bit. This is probably most likely because until now, I've always had a definite set of goals to work towards, with multiple little goals on the way that I could happily tick off and smile.

I like lists, I like orders, I like charts. Yes - I love genealogy lol - it combines all these things...

But why do i feel off track exactly?

Well for one this is the first year of my adult life where I haven't had any institutional structure to base my life on or fit my life around. I have no assignments due, I have no lectures to attend and I have no set readings. This is really wierd for me. I have considered many times going online and finding some random topic to study just to get that feeling back... but I feel like I should probably learn to deal with it because I can't be a student forever.

I don't have a 9-5/Mon-Fri job either. I work once or twice a week in the city any time from 8.30am-5.30pm (til 9pm on Fridays or 3pm on Saturdays) from Monday to Saturday. So I have no real way of using that for structure either. The only thing I base most of my life on is the old Daytime/Nighttime thing ... which is actually really helpful ^.^

A typical day for me involves a myriad of things... well, that's a lie. It involves a combination of these things:

• Cleaning - I am trying to get everything neat and organised so I don't groan when I walk into a room. Flylady is slowly helping me with this issue...
• Socialising - Sometimes a friend will come over! Or I will go and see a friend! Sometimes my boyfriend is home and we hang out doing one of the last two things on the list.
• Computering - I spend an inordinate amount of time right here - in front of my monitor. Well, now that everything is set up, its actually TWO monitors! How nerdy is that? I play WoW, I facebook, tweet on twitter, watch YouTube videos, read my favourite blogs on my reader (google if you are wondering), research things mentioned in the academic blogs (I can call this preemptive research for the PhD) and generally surf.
• DVD watching - Recently I watched all of That 70s Show again ... and by again I mean for the 4th time. I just love that show and I'm always so sad when it ends. I want more! What happens in the 80s man? Why are actors and directors etc. always so selfish to not spend the rest of their lives creating a show for ME?! Ok. Calming down. I also watch Scrubs and How I Met Your Mother. A while ago we watched all of Stargate. What do I watch now? Yet another point of indecision in my life. Lol/sigh.

Anywho. As you can tell its not exactly an enviable life. I have room for SO much more. I could be getting my art together again. I could be learning something technical to do with computers so I don't get left behind in the technology age. I could be learning about ancient history, or not so ancient history... whatever. *sigh*

I guess what I should be doing, rather than dissecting all this, is putting together some more goals. Or at least reevaluating and recommitting myself to these goals.

I need to get another job. This year is my year off from study, wherein I planned to make money. Sure, its a recession ... but I will get another job eventually ... I have 2 degrees forchrissake!

I need to develop my creative side: Write more poems, blog more, DRAW. PAINT. All that fun stuff that I swore I didn't have enough time to do last year.

I want to plan and prepare for my PhD. I need to hone in on my topic of interest and make it more "thesis-able" (new verbs anyone?). I mean "The Internet and stuff..." is incredibly vague. Who would give me money for that? No one, that's who.

OH! And to bloody keep in touch with my friends. I go weeks without talking to the people I love most in the world! I spoke last to Lindsay and Lealei when I got off the plane... OMG FAIL. I spoke last to my highschool friends even longer ago. Embarrassingly longer ago. (Facebook doesn't really count).

So there we go. I actually feel a little better now. The only thing left to do is to actualise all this good intention - turn it into things that can be part of my daily life. We shall see.

Kind of a place holder...

So over the last few weeks my blogging has dwindled. Yet I feel like I'm forgetting more and more things. Perhaps I should combine blogging with trying to remember stuff! Good plan I think...

1) Lately I've been thinking about Anthropology again. This is probably because I very nearly almost took a scholarship to do my PhD last week, and I've been thinking about possible topics and ideas for when I eventually do jump into the PhD world. At work the other day I was thinking about the way that people justify eating for pleasure. Working at a quality chocolate shop, Haigh's, I often come across people who come in and justify why (or why not) they are going to eat chocolate. Most of the time people just go with the "treat yourself" line. Sometimes they say "I'm going to be naughty" or "I shouldn't but I will" and some people go on about the health benefits of chocolate in general and particularly dark chocolate. Of course there are some people who don't care about justifying they just want to talk chocolate. They LOVE chocolate, and damned if anyone tells them its not "proper" food (which, oddly enough, my boyfriend tells me constantly). So wouldn't it be interesting to see how people view eating for pleasure. I wonder if Bourdieu has anything to say? ... Hm. Probably but I'm not going to read him to find out (I'll let someone who has give me a general idea... I can't penetrate his text!)

2) Online culture sensationalism! Geeeeeeeesh it drives me batty. I read the transcript for an interview with a respected academic or researcher or something who was going on about the way the online or screen cultures are very much "here and now"/"no consequences" experiences, and that they as such alter our way of behaving and thinking. She compared saving the princess in a computer game, to reading about the princess in a book. She said that when you save the princess in the computer game, you don't care about who the princess is, how she feels and why you are saving her. You just want to complete the objective. And if you die, or she dies, you just start again - no big consequences. However if you were reading a book, you care very much about who this princess is, why she needs saving, how she relates to people and whether or not she dies.

Now sure, for some people this may be true. But she really needs to get some field work in because, as any one who has spent a great deal of time playing online games would know, there are many consequences for actions. Sure if you die, you can come to life again very quickly. But if you piss people off, you will face the consequences. If you don't save the princess, you won't progress. And if you are interested enough, you can read the back story and find some very intricate often moving or even amusing stories about the people involved in your quests, especially in the mega populare World of Warcraft.

You can argue all you like that this is different to reading. That you can ignore all the back story just to get to the "end" (really, there is no end in MMORPGs), but that is VERY different to there being no consequences. These people who can't be bothered with the back story or the consequences are equally as unlikely to be bothered with reading a book, so how is that changing behaviour? Isn't it more catering for it?

Furthermore this woman suggested that there was a link between screen culture and the threefold increase in the prescription of drugs used to treat ADHD. WHAT?! One of her arguments against screen culture relies heavily on the nature of online culture/computer based activities being based in "sound byte" information. Here and now or here and RIGHT now. Therefore the inability of people to sustain their attention over long periods of time in contexts outside the "screen culture" must be linked to the increase in the prescription of drugs used to treat ADHD. (Might I add that she doesn't say the "increase in the diagnosis of ADHD" or the "increase in the instances of ADHD" but focuses on the drugs... Odd huh? Does she not believe in the disorder?)

According to my research (which, admittedly I did 2 years ago), the increase in ADHD diagnosis across the board is linked to the increased information available about diagnosable behavioural disorders. When no one knew about ADHD, no one was diagnosed with it. That doesn't mean that no child in the 20's 30's or even 1800's had the symptoms that would today be classified as ADHD. It means that no one knew that there was such a label for these sets of issues, and no one knew that these problems could be handled by administering a drug. Now I do NOT beleive that drugs are the answer for ADHD affected kids or adults. I'm just saying that I find it very difficult to believe that there is a link between methylphenidate prescription and increased use of computers/tvs/screens in general.

If our culture is now catering for people with short attention spans, and not encouraging people to try to extend them, then I can see how we might diagnose that as an attention deficit. But I don't see how we can assume causation.

I'm struggling very hard at the moment not to off on a rant about ADHD. I will say though that ADHD is a western disorder, and I believe that it is a handy diagnostic label that can be applied to kids who think differently, and don't fit in with the normal expectations that children will behave all in a similar fashion. Just because some one is different does not mean that they are disordered. Our society needs to learn to cater for difference within a paradigm other than medicine and disorder.

/END RANT.

Wow. That went on for a lot longer than I intended. And I'm sure when I read it back I could add a lot more on. You know, qualify this or show another opinion there... But I won't. Save that for the thesis eh? Haha.

Anyway I think I'm going to go away and read some more blogs now. There are some REALLY good ones about at the moment that deal with some of the things I'm interested in studying for my PhD (social media, online networking, online role playing, online culture and community etc.). Email me if you are interested in where to find good thinkers about these topics!

xo

Manda blogs about stuff... but then disappears

I kind of disappeard didn't I?

I guess I just blogged myself out. I've been in a wierd place lately... I don't know.

Its not like I haven't had anything to say.

So in an effort to be a blogger again I'm just going to write random things that I see online.

"I am the spectator, who secretly wants to be spectated." - Chatbott.
How freaking real is that online?

Have you ever wanted to know the kinds of things I think about when I'm doing my special version of anthropology? Look at videos by Michael Wesch. He's so ... so right. And clear. If I could be half as clear I'm sure I would feel a lot more in control of where I think I'm going.



Think about all that! Its amazing isn't it?

Almost School Time

Oh god I really am a nerd. Its nearing the end of February, and its that time when Uni students start to get their stuff together. Books, folders, bags... readers! Oh gosh I love readers... And I'm so jealous. I know I said I'd have a year off but the more I think about it the more I want to do it all over again.

Crazy woman huh? Yeh.

I guess its just such a huge part of who I think I am, that I find it hard to let it go.

Ever since the first time I saw an intelligent young girl in a TV show, and identified her as confident and cool, in a way that I percieved I wanted to be, I decided that was who I would be. I have managed the school bit, the study bit, the loving books bit, but I've never been cool! Still, I love that perception of myself though. The studier.

And its developed into something more that than too; something more than what I want others to see me as. I have a desire to learn. I love the act of study. I love the way that things click and you have moment after moment of "ooooh! i get it!". I just do. And I know that most of it is entirely useless, because when I die, who cares what I know? Who cares what I've read? And who cares if I knew things in an entirely different way to anyone has ever known things before? But something feels right in a way that makes me smile... in the way you smile when you think about your closest relationships. (My little sister who is pregnant with her first child excitedly telling me that her baby has hiccups! My boyfriend spontaneously jumping on me in a giant affectionate hug. My friend coming to see me just because I sounded a bit sad in my Facebook status... See? Smiles!)

Anyways. I don't know if I'll enter anything formal this year or not, but I know that I could never give up learning.



Ok. Wierd post... but I had to blog. Its been too long! And that's what I was thinking.

x

My Country is burning

I like that title. "My country is burning".

It is black, and it is red and the waves of heat warp our vision so that we struggle to recognise landscapes as our own. They can't be ours. They are burnt, and black, red embers, orange licks of flame that light up the brown, ash filled skies.

I am so sick of summer, the Australian trademark. Burning its name onto the land. Marysville, a town I visited when I was 11 years old... it had beautiful snow, lovely old houses, nestled in trees and bushes. There was a car museum, and local shops where my sister and I bought book to colour in, and stickers to put in them. Marysville no longer exists. The land is there, but it is burnt, broken, charred and disappeared.

So many people have died in ways that you don't want to imagine too closely for the horror of it. Burnt alive. Or perhaps more mercifully, they passed out from smoke before they were killed in the flame.

Seperated families. Whole families. Lovers. Unrequited loves. Children.

I can't bear to think about it, but how could you bear not too?

Reading reading reading...

Last year I watched a few youtube channels with some regularity. I started this habit in 2007 when Nannal and I discovered the Vlogbrothers. We watched every episode and loved it... knowing the inside jokes, and getting to know these very funny, real people. In 2008 I watched the fiveawesomegirls, and the fiveawesomeguys more than anythings else. One of the FAgirls, Kristina (Monday) had a goal at the beginning of last year to read 50 books... and I thought that was a good idea. So I decided to steal that goal, and use it for myself...

I thought that I should blog about this today because 1) I just read Kristina's blog which reminded me that I hadn't blogged about this particular thing; and 2) because I plan on doing a lot of reading over the next few days.

You see, being ridiculously hot over the last few days, my only shift for this week was cancelled (no one buys chocolate in the heat apparently... sensible I suppose). Which means that I have a whole week with absolutely nothing to do. This is thus a good opportunity to have a mini-holiday. I can read... I can blog... I can tidy up my desktop and organise which stuff goes on which computer... I can be all arty!

But back to the reading. Perhaps I should create a list or something on the side to show what I've read so I can keep track... I started doing this in November last year so by November this year I will (hopefully) have a list that is 50 items long! Woot!

So far I've read:
13 Little Blue Envelopes - Maureen Johnson
Paper Towns - John Green
The Book Thief - Markus Zusak
The Witchfinders - Malcolm Gaskill
An Equal Heart and Mind - Margaret McKinney
A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
The Ministery of Special Cases - Nathan Englander
The Rope of Man - Witi Ihimaera

and now I'm reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman. This might have been a bad choice because it is over 600 pages long... but I can do it! :-P


Anyways... that is what's what... or however that clunky saying goes.


Wish me luck with the reading!


x

follow up

What to do what to do...

But of course! Blog!

My last blog mentioned a horrible horrible conversation I had with my boyfriend. At some point when I got back to SA, and we were driving home, we did break up. I don't know how or why really but we did.

Don't panic though, it wasn't for long. We talked and we cried. And then we just decided to take it one step at a time, not look too far ahead, and just be us. I don't like that I can't rely on our relationship as much as I did not even a week ago, but that's the way it is. He freaked out. He read too much into what we were doing, and what it meant we were going to be doing. He also is a 21 year old male... who wants to ... erm - spread his seed, shall I say? But in the same breath he's also in love with me (he assured me), and can't imagine someone being as good as me (I blush retyping that...). So what do we do?

In the horrible hours that passed between our first conversation on the phone, and when I got to see him and talk to him face to face, I thought a lot of things. One was that cliche -"If you love them, let them go. If they love you they will return." And it made my heart ache. Mainly because it made me realise that yes I do love him, but no I don't think enough of myself to trust he would come back. I can't let him go ...

I also thought, pushing aside the pain of breaking up, that if we weren't together, I would probably save up money and leave the country... or study again... or leave the country to study. So when we were deciding to "start again" (not that we really can... you can't erase 3 years), we decided that, rather than buy a house, we would save to travel. To go to America.

I don't know what to do about his yearning to experience ... well, exploits so to speak ... but I know he wants to go to America to meet some online friends and hang out for a while there. Who knows, maybe I'll get confident enough to turn a blind eye while I go and travel Europe for a bit... Eh. Its all so hard to think about.

But I think the main thing is that he's still there. He still loves me. I still love him. Whether or not that is smart remains to be seen.

x

What a long break from blogging. Moving house seems to disrupt these things doesn't it.

Last night I had a horrible horrible conversation with my boyfriend. I am thousands of kilometres away from him, he was drunk, I was sobering up, and he decided that we should probably break up. We didn't. But we cried and talked and it was horrible.

Horrible horrible.

My advice, don't take calls when you are hungover or drunk and thousands of kilometres away.

Echoes...

A new day, an increasing sense of absense. This house feels less like my home, but my new place hasn't filled that void yet either. I doubt that it will. If my bedroom is open for all who wish to walk through, whenever they desire to get to the bathroom, how can I feel any sense of security, ownership or privacy? I can't. So I'm at my house, which for now is still my house. I can sit topless at the computer, and know, with certainty that no one will walk in.

Yes I'm in one of those moods. A mood when the absense of people is difficult to deal with. My friends are somewhere doing what ever it is they do when they are not with me. My boyfriend hasn't contacted me yet today, so I'm sure he's happily playing WoW in front of a fan. My family is up north, being a family. And I'm here. I'm in a house with very little left in it... yet paradoxically still too much to do before the "you must be out or else" date.

I should be distracting myself by doing those things that still need to be done instead of dwelling on my mood through my blog, but hey - I'm allowed a little self indulgence once in a while aren't I? As long as I recognise what it is... which of course makes me feel silly ...

Moving on.

In the words of Alan,

Today I...

- woke up 15 minutes before my alarm, giving myself time to watch YouTube videos... which rocked.
- Lamented that I'd packed the tea and taken it up to the new place already... then found the tea! Miracles of miracles!
-Thought I would vomit on a bus on the way to work... luckily didn't.
-Had an awesome bargain breakfast at an awesome café in Adelaide - Ecco Espresso Bar at the Hilton entrance to Adeladie Central Market Arcade. Recommended.
- Worked for 5 hours, most of which was spent wondering if there was ANYTHING to do...
- Read some more of the most awesome book I've read in a while... look it up, see if its in your library and read it. Its called "The Rope of Man" by Witi Ihimaera
- I tidied, I blogged and then, I will probably read some more...

Enough!
Back to the non-computer world!