Le Sigh

My last blog was depressing wasn't it? Seriously... but I should follow up before I let a whole month pass. I was in a bad frame of mind. My expectations had been meddled with watching too many romantic video clips, and too many music videos. Yeh ... add to that the fact that I was alone and coming down with something... it made for a pretty sad and melodramatic Manda.

Things with me and Nannal are good. I still get annoyed at him when he says "I don't know" all the time when I want to have a conversation. I still think that our expectations do not line up frequently but the bottom line is this: he makes me happy. I make him happy. I love him and he loves me. Cheesy but true.

So that's what I'm happy with right now. I really do need him, and that is enough for now.

I don't know.

I haven't been blogging lately. I wasn't really sure why, but I realised that it was because I have something real to blog about. And I'm afraid to write about it. I'm afraid of the conclusions that I'll reach. I'm afraid of questions that I desperately don't want to ask. I don't care if no one reads this. I don't care if everyone reads this, although I would be embarassed if everyone I knew read it ...

I'm procrastinating.

Lately I have been really worried about my relationship. I've been with Nathaniel for almost 3 and a half years now. Its been great. Its been shit at times but mostly its been shit.

The thing that people need to know is that when we first got together we were both like "NO COMMITMENT" and now we've accidentally got into a long term committed relationship. Although Nannal is terrified of marriage... What's that Amanda? Aren't you terrified of it too?

Actually, now - no I'm not. On a lot of levels it makes no sense. Its a government thing. Its a religion thing. But on a personal level, telling everyone that you love and care about that you love this person and want to be with no one else, is a touching thing. Yes its cheesy. Yes its overdone. Yes a lot of people do it for the wrong reasons with the wrong expectations...

But that doesn't mean its flat out wrong. And it doesn't mean that I don't want it.
I was never this girl. I was never the one to say that I want these things. But if I am totally honest with myself, I want it. I want someone to say "I love you" in front of everyone and not have to qualify it, or follow it up with a joke. I want someone to legitimately want to spend their life with me, and not wonder about what else is out there seriously.

But Nathaniel doesn't want that. I know that, and have been aware since day one. Unlike me, he hasn't changed his mind. In fact, we've spoken about these things and he's told me point blank that he doesn't think this can last. He wants to be with other people. And I guess I kind of bury my head in the sand.

I love him.
I really, really love him. So this is incredibly hard to think about.

But do I really want to stay with someone who doesn't think that I am worth it? Do I really want to stay with someone who, by his own admission, will one day break up with me or at least be unfaithful?

I don't know. And that is the answer that bothers me most. It is not as easy as a "no". And it is not as easy as a "yes". Either answer does not sit, because I don't know. If someone said this to me though, and I was the outsider, the answer "I don't know" would probably mean more no than yes...

What the fuck do I want then?
Practicality dictates my life. What would it mean if it was all to go to hell? I would have to move out. But where to? I don't have any money to do that. I don't have a job. The best I could do would be to move home. To my old room. And that would kill me. Back to Saddleworth, to my teenage bedroom...

And what did 3 1/2 years mean then? If its all for nothing... If he doesn't love me quite enough... What have I given up for him? What have I become for him?



I don't know.

I guess that sums everything up doesn't it? I just ... I just don't know.

In an ideal world I would tell him all this. And we would cry and he would tell me what he thinks. And then he would tell me all the things I really long to hear. No, not "Will you marry me and be with me forever?" Not that. He would tell me what I mean to him. He would tell me why this is hard for him as well. I want passion and painful love that is so hard to talk about. I want that feeling that people write songs about.

But all I can imagine him saying is "I don't know".

And I would break.



But this is all speculation. This is all ... this is all Amanda. I'm just sitting here alone. He is 50 minutes drive away. Probably fast asleep.

Is this just one of my famous moods? Is this just because we've been together for 3 1/2 years and things have changed. Our relationship has changed. And I really crave that falling feeling, that passion when its been replaced with comfort and steady love. Is this just because we have been together so long that we both have changed and we need to reevaluate what we want from eachother?

Or is it more. Is it because our relationship has changed for the worse? Are we fizzling out after all this time? Has he fallen out of love with me? Are my expectations just too much...

I have to laugh ... because of course the inevitable answer is "I don't know". It comes down to that doesn't it? And what do I do when I don't know something? I find out... So ... Inevitably I will have to bring out that doozy of a cliche - "We have to talk".

House Sitting Fun Times

I am presently house sitting in Saddleworth!

It is ... well it is kind of fun, but I am struggling with what to do with myself. I have been reading a lot but it isn't very productive.

I like looking after the cats. And seeing Teeni and Charlie so frequently is awesome. But it would be nice if I could combine this things with my boyfriend.... I miss having him here. He is a major major part of my life and I feel kind of useless without him there. Well, not useless exactly. But he does give me purpose. :-) Not in an antifeminist kind of way either ... its just nice to know there is someone to talk to. Someone to comfort. Someone to interact with.

Here I interact with virtual peoples and little peoples and occassionally my sister too... but not that often.

Oh well. Perhaps this is like a mini retreat...

Off to be ... all retreaty I guess.