Gay/LGBTQ "Lifestyle"

I was on Tumblr the other day (not a shocking revelation if you know me...) and was reading a back and forth between some people who were arguing over the issue of marriage equality and LGBTQ rights.

I don't want to misrepresent anyone's views, but in the interest of providing context, the gist of the arguments were:
Person 1 - Arguing against someone's rights based on your own subjective opinion (based in religion or otherwise) is bigotry.
Person 2 - I'm not a bigot, I just disagree with the gay lifestyle, and I'm allowed my opinion.
Person 1 - Your opinion should not impinge on the rights of anyone, let alone a significant population. You voicing your opinion is tantamount to an act of violence towards those people.

So... quite the incendiary discussion.

And the thing that really hooked me was this strange concept of "gay lifestyle."

Let me first be clear - I'm definitely of the opinion that LGBTQ rights are human rights. That arguing against them is wrong. That you don't get to have an opinion on rights ... because they're rights. Well - I mean sure you can have an opinion... but no one should make any decisions over someone's rights based on an opinion. The right to education, for example - some people believe this should be restricted to males only. An opinion that we won't act on because education is an agreed right.

Now back to the 'gay lifestyle' thing now that you aren't reading this afraid that I might suddenly reveal myself to be a homophobe.

What on earth is a 'gay lifestyle'?!

It seems to me that people who make this argument are hiding behind a pretty flawed concept. "Oh I'm not opposed to people being gay at all, I just disagree with the  harmful gay lifestyle."

How confusing. Mainly because how do you describe the gay lifestyle? How do you describe any lifestyle in a meaningful way? I'll tell you how - by being wrong for the majority of people you are purporting to describe. I think you could describe an individual's lifestyle pretty well, even if it did reduce your experience to key factors and decisions that might not reflect the entirety of your life.

But when you extend that description to cover a group of people - and worse still, a significant percentage of the population - you are going to run into some problems. The problem of "average". For example, try to describe the "white" lifestyle. Take a survey of all white people, find the most common attributes and describe the lifestyle according to that - and then see how well that suits all "white people" ... not a very useful exercise.

Take the LGBTQ population, or even just the LGB population, and take a survey on their lives and try to apply it to everyone and see how many people are outside those parameters. You'll have the same problem. The only meaningful commonality for these people is that they all identify as LGB. Their actions, their lives, their experiences, their lifestyles are all different - sometimes vastly.

So I think the argument of 'gay lifestyle' is doing two things. It is hiding the real cause of the anti-gay-rights person's discomfort, and standing for a misconception on what being gay means, and what gay people's lives entail.

I don't know if it is deliberate or not, and in most arguments where this phrase is thrown in there is no further qualification but I think 'gay lifestyle' when used in this context is code for the perception of a reckless and morally inferior lifestyle.

There seems to be the perception amongst those who haven't been exposed to real life LGBTQ people, that their lifestyles and sexual orientations seem to revolve around sex, sex, sex. And that the reason that same-sex dalliances occur is because these people can't sit still long enough to find an appropriate person to fall in love with; they'll just fall in bed with the closest person and do whatever their bodies (not their minds) want them to do.

But I can tell you from experience, that this idea is nonsense. I mean sure there are probably LGBTQ people out there whose lives do revolve around sex. But that is true of some straight people too, and no one is attempting to remove the rights of all straight people based on the actions of a few of them.

I have two main examples in my life of the LGBTQ "lifestyle". The first one is my uncle. He is gay, and has been with his partner for as long as I have been alive (literally - they met within a month of my birth). They live in a house they've bought together, they have a dog, they both work and pay the bills, they enjoy travel, they worry about their ageing parents, they like to drink wine, and enjoy hosting dinner parties. In short apart for a couple of minor details they are pretty identical to my parents (who are straight, cis-gendered people who've been together for 35 years).

Pretty radical lifestyle, huh? I can see why you'd disagree with that... (Yes, sarcasm detected).

The second example is of the B in the LGBTQ lifestyle. Not too many people are aware that I am bisexual. Why? Well because my first boyfriend turned into my first serious relationship, turned into my husband and here we are. I live a 'straight' existence because I fell in love with someone of the opposite sex. So my lifestyle is literally exactly the same as someone who identifies as straight. Say, for example, my husband - a straight man.

So when people make this declaration of being opposed to the "lifestyle", alarm bells start ringing in my head. Either they are under a lot of misconceptions of what that means, or they are deliberately conflating the experience of millions of people under the banner of harmful stereotypes and misconception.

I am an eternal optimist who believes the best of everyone until proved otherwise. I understand that most people want to do the right thing according to how they see the world, and that everyone has motivations, needs and desires. But it is really hard to remember that when I see arguments or defences trotted out like this.

Not to mention the idea of "disagreeing" with someone else's lifestyle.  What a strange concept... as if your agreement has anything to do with anything.


I suppose I just needed to get that off my chest. It just makes me mad when people don't think through their arguments. Possibly because I try to be so careful in my own, that I'm as right as I can be, and as not-hurtful as I can be. Yes my view probably offends someone who holds to the whole "gay lifestyle = bad" idea, but I don't mind confronting that - because, if you've managed to read this whole thing... it is flawed.

In conclusion - there is no such thing as  a "gay lifestyle". Your opinion is not needed when it comes to human rights - they are rights, not privileges to be doled out at your discretion. It is high time we started viewing people, especially "other"/"different" people, as complex humans and not placeholders for stereotypes or misconceptions that we may or may not agree with.