Who'da thunk?

Who would have thought that my last post would be post number 60? This is definately the longest I've stuck to a single blog. I think that deserves a virtual round of applause - *applause*

It is almost the end of April, so I thought I'd break the cycle of only blogging once a month by blogging today - which, if your maths is as good as mine (read: you can add 1 and 1), makes TWO whole posts so far in this single month. Wow. I'm on fire.

Do I have anything to talk about of substance? Well not really. Except that I just saw Zombieland and thought it was really, really awesome. I absolutely loved the way they developed the characters, the darkness turned funny (which works sometimes in films but mostly not), the hilarious bit with Bill Murray and the ending. The end was a touch predictable, but I didn't care. Mostly because I did care about the characters and think the world that was created for them is so awesome that I wanted it to keep going.

Now, who would have thought that I would love a zombie movie other than Sean of the Dead?


In other news I have been thinking a lot about crime and criminogenic needs and all that stuff. I have to do an essay soon about a local crime problem. Given that I live in the Barossa I was thinking of doing something to do with alcohol abuse... But I thought it might be easier to go with illicit drug abuse among young people. We are supposed to look at the issue from two different theoretical perspectives, and I'm finding it difficult to choose between them! I'm fairly sure I'll choose conflict criminology because it is basically made for issues to do with drug use and criminality. But the second one is harder. This would be where, if I had blog readers, I would ask the masses to vote on a few options... But, seeing as I only have me, and I can't be arsed going through all the possible perspectives for the sake of a blog that no one reads, I won't. :P


Which brings me to another, if somewhat related point. Why do I bother to write this blog at all (even if it is only very rarely) if no one ever reads it? How can I have 61 posts, with no comments, and no views, and still have any motivation to write it? Well. I guess that's the difference between this blog and others I've started. This blog isn't about views. This blog is about me. When I feel like writing, I don't want to write on a word document, because that is too much like being productive. I want to write on a colourful space about the things I like. I don't want to have to be paranoid about upholding my reputation in regards to correct spelling and grammar. I don't want to worry about spelling wierd wrong.

WEIRD WEIRD WIERD WIERD who cares?! Its a stupid word anyway. I resort to saying 'odd' nowadays. Damn English.


Aaaanyway. That is enough procrastination for one day. Oddly enough (hehe- odd), writing this has put me in the mood to be productive. And so I shall.

Farewell!

Results, Insecurites, Complexities and Money

So far my plan to be more productive is creeping along ok. It would be good if I had some more palpable results, you know, like *poof!* I have $200,000 in my savings, a spotlessly clean and well set out house and 2 published books (one fiction, one non-fiction). Alas, I guess the whole point of this is so that this will eventually happen. Things, unfortunately, take time, effort and luck.

The equation probably goes TIME/EFFORT = (result x (LUCKx130000456) or something. But I think I need to remember that it isn't the results that I actually want. Its the feelings around the results. I want to feel productive. I want to feel like I'm doing something worthwhile, that I'm fulfilling some kind of purpose. And, naturally, I want to feel important. Not that I would say that out loud to anyone. Not that anyone, I think, would admit that to anyone, but its true. I want to feel that what I have done, or what I am doing is important ... and that feeling probably drives me more than anything else.

If you really think about it, I guess it comes from that old insecurity. "What do they think of me?". It isn't so much about myself, but what other people think of myself. And when I think that they think that I'm worth something then I will be worth ... something.

Of course that's bullshit. I know that. I intellectually know that. But that doesn't help me in my everyday experience so much. Its a feeling that is so deeply ingrained that even though I would counsel the same thing to anyone with the same surity that I would assure them of gravitational pull, I can't escape it myself.

Its like what John Green says so frequently. We know that other people out there are the same as us and we know that they are as complex and individual as we are, but we can't help but not imagine them with any complexity. At least, not with the same complexity that we regard ourselves. That's because we are trapped in these bodies, we cannot possibly know what it is like to be anything or anyone other than ourselves. We could imagine it sure, but we would not come close. Like when you are in great pain and someone says "I know what you're feeling" or something like that, and you could cry out and say something selfish like "How can you possibly know what I'm feeling!" because how could they? This pain is yours and no one has ever felt that before.

By the same token, how do we know that the pain we feel is unique. How do we know they don't know how we feel? That's right. We are selfish.

My boyfriend tried to tell me the other day that we, as a race, are not capable of true empathy because of this fact. He peppered his explanation with talk of survival as well. We have to look out for ourselves etc. But I countered that yes, while it is virtually impossible to be truly empathetic with someone, to truly know how they feel, it is not impossible to feel empathy at all.

I think that I am an empathetic person. When someone comes to me in pain, I try to feel their pain too. Of course that comes with my instinct born of being an older sister, to protect that person and to fix it for them. If that fails though I just have to be there for them.

Then again that flies out the window when I'm driving in the city and someone cuts me off, or is driving 15kms below the speed limit. The person in front of me is not a complex human being who is flawed but ultimately good, rather they are an IDIOT who can't drive and obviously has no regard for anyone else, or (more likely, I think in the heat of the moment) great disdain for me personally. How amusing is that? Although I fuck up on the road with frequency (I'm sure) I don't regard myself as a horrible driver, do I? So why should this person be an idiot when I've only been shown one example of their whole driving career? It really makes you think. Or, it really makes you laugh. Either way...

Anyway. Despite all this I would really like to be given everything that I want right now. Or, if I have to be picky, the money to get me started. With $200,000 I could buy some land, go over seas, fix my car and be the best aunt ever and set Charlie up with a trust fund. Unfortunately ... this will have to stay in the dream basket for now.

Still... it is a good dream ... make everyone happy, have a solid financial investment (literally solid), be flying to London to Dublin to Seattle to Boston... all that good stuff. *Le sigh*


Better get back to reality. I have a story arc to figure out.
xo

After Christmas...

Its that little time of year somewhere between Christmas and New Years when I get particularly reminiscent. I can't believe a whole year has passed... "Why not?" well...

2008 and has been a big, big, big year for me.
1. I completed my Honours degree this year. That's right, I'm now Amanda Claire Wells, B.A., Hons. bitches.
2. I quit my job at BP - finally! 4 years at BP, and I was bored to tears.
3. My Grandfather died in May. Not one thing in particular killed him... I guess you would say he died of old age. He was barely there anymore anyway, but then this kidneys started to fail, he got a blood infection and got pneumonia. Vale, Granddad.
4. My Mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. DON'T PANIC - Vital facts: caught VERY early. It was a super fast growing cancer but it was detected so early on that it hadn't spread. She's fine. Her hair is growing back after chemo and she still has two boobs... that's the important thing... /sarcasm.
5. My Grandmother almost died... then didn't ... then almost died again... but then recovered.
6. My sister got pregnant... its fine though, because by the time the baby's born she'll be 20 so its not a baby born to a teen, quite.

And other things that happened to people around me that affected me too.
BIG YEAR.

But looking back, it has also been a good year. I have always tried to argue that the things that have happened this year could be interpretted in positive lights too.

For example, my grandfathers death: while its horrible for us that he's gone, at least we got to say goodbye. He didn't die instantly, he held on. And we could all go and see him, and accept that this had to happen. It wasn't fun, but it was better than nothing.

My mother's cancer: caught so early its ridiculous. She had actually put off the mammogram by 6 months. If she'd had it when she was supposed to, there would have been nothing to detect... which means that her next one wouldn't have been for 2 years. Which means it would have been so big by say now, December 2008 that she would have been able to feel it, it would have spread and who knows what else...

My Grandmother's almost dying: made everyone realise how difficult her life with our other Grandfather is. The move to a retirement home is underway, and we won't have to worry so much about them not looking after themselves.... not that they're children... but they are both old, frail, and stubborn. Not so good.

You get the drift.

Despite all this though, I think I would like to make it my wish that next year brings more balance, less turbulence and a distinct lack of hospital visits, thanks very much.


2009 - New Years ... goals. They aren't resolutions.... I haven't resolved to do anything, but I would LIKE to do somethings.

1. Buy a house.
2. Lose a little bit of weight.
3. Build some savings up.
4. Start more frequent communication with Amy.
5. Get a job... a job that relates to my degree, or at least my interests.
6. Write for the pleasure of writing.
7. Draw for the pleasure of drawing.
8. Visit Granny at least once on my own.