Saying Goodbye

We attended Brian's funeral this morning. It was heartwarming to see so many people there, and heart-breaking to see the obvious pain that Pam was experiencing. I thought, not for the first time, "We should re-write this shit." Because death, cancer, and loss - who would wish it upon anyone?

I've been so worried this week. N wasn't keen on going to the funeral, because he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle it. Which, to me, seems to be the reason to go - if you're that upset about something, avoiding an outpouring of emotion is dangerous; It only ends up worse later.

But he made the decision to attend (after I'd decided to stop pushing the issue - so I guess I wasn't helping). And it was hard. We left straight afterwards, not waiting to speak with everyone because he couldn't handle being with other people.

I love him, but he just isn't built to share the load. He carries it, buries it in his chest, and then throws himself into distraction. Allowing himself to let it out a bit today was good though. I'm proud of him.

And now we have the rest of the day off to deal with the aftershock.

Being together is a good thing. Hearing about Brian and his life reinforced how important it is to spend good time with the people you love. And to express your love as often as possible. Vulnerability is hard, but you really don't know how long you have and if you can maximise the positive things people have to dwell on when you're gone, all the better, I think.

Vale Brian.