Reading reading reading...

Last year I watched a few youtube channels with some regularity. I started this habit in 2007 when Nannal and I discovered the Vlogbrothers. We watched every episode and loved it... knowing the inside jokes, and getting to know these very funny, real people. In 2008 I watched the fiveawesomegirls, and the fiveawesomeguys more than anythings else. One of the FAgirls, Kristina (Monday) had a goal at the beginning of last year to read 50 books... and I thought that was a good idea. So I decided to steal that goal, and use it for myself...

I thought that I should blog about this today because 1) I just read Kristina's blog which reminded me that I hadn't blogged about this particular thing; and 2) because I plan on doing a lot of reading over the next few days.

You see, being ridiculously hot over the last few days, my only shift for this week was cancelled (no one buys chocolate in the heat apparently... sensible I suppose). Which means that I have a whole week with absolutely nothing to do. This is thus a good opportunity to have a mini-holiday. I can read... I can blog... I can tidy up my desktop and organise which stuff goes on which computer... I can be all arty!

But back to the reading. Perhaps I should create a list or something on the side to show what I've read so I can keep track... I started doing this in November last year so by November this year I will (hopefully) have a list that is 50 items long! Woot!

So far I've read:
13 Little Blue Envelopes - Maureen Johnson
Paper Towns - John Green
The Book Thief - Markus Zusak
The Witchfinders - Malcolm Gaskill
An Equal Heart and Mind - Margaret McKinney
A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
The Ministery of Special Cases - Nathan Englander
The Rope of Man - Witi Ihimaera

and now I'm reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman. This might have been a bad choice because it is over 600 pages long... but I can do it! :-P


Anyways... that is what's what... or however that clunky saying goes.


Wish me luck with the reading!


x

follow up

What to do what to do...

But of course! Blog!

My last blog mentioned a horrible horrible conversation I had with my boyfriend. At some point when I got back to SA, and we were driving home, we did break up. I don't know how or why really but we did.

Don't panic though, it wasn't for long. We talked and we cried. And then we just decided to take it one step at a time, not look too far ahead, and just be us. I don't like that I can't rely on our relationship as much as I did not even a week ago, but that's the way it is. He freaked out. He read too much into what we were doing, and what it meant we were going to be doing. He also is a 21 year old male... who wants to ... erm - spread his seed, shall I say? But in the same breath he's also in love with me (he assured me), and can't imagine someone being as good as me (I blush retyping that...). So what do we do?

In the horrible hours that passed between our first conversation on the phone, and when I got to see him and talk to him face to face, I thought a lot of things. One was that cliche -"If you love them, let them go. If they love you they will return." And it made my heart ache. Mainly because it made me realise that yes I do love him, but no I don't think enough of myself to trust he would come back. I can't let him go ...

I also thought, pushing aside the pain of breaking up, that if we weren't together, I would probably save up money and leave the country... or study again... or leave the country to study. So when we were deciding to "start again" (not that we really can... you can't erase 3 years), we decided that, rather than buy a house, we would save to travel. To go to America.

I don't know what to do about his yearning to experience ... well, exploits so to speak ... but I know he wants to go to America to meet some online friends and hang out for a while there. Who knows, maybe I'll get confident enough to turn a blind eye while I go and travel Europe for a bit... Eh. Its all so hard to think about.

But I think the main thing is that he's still there. He still loves me. I still love him. Whether or not that is smart remains to be seen.

x

What a long break from blogging. Moving house seems to disrupt these things doesn't it.

Last night I had a horrible horrible conversation with my boyfriend. I am thousands of kilometres away from him, he was drunk, I was sobering up, and he decided that we should probably break up. We didn't. But we cried and talked and it was horrible.

Horrible horrible.

My advice, don't take calls when you are hungover or drunk and thousands of kilometres away.

Echoes...

A new day, an increasing sense of absense. This house feels less like my home, but my new place hasn't filled that void yet either. I doubt that it will. If my bedroom is open for all who wish to walk through, whenever they desire to get to the bathroom, how can I feel any sense of security, ownership or privacy? I can't. So I'm at my house, which for now is still my house. I can sit topless at the computer, and know, with certainty that no one will walk in.

Yes I'm in one of those moods. A mood when the absense of people is difficult to deal with. My friends are somewhere doing what ever it is they do when they are not with me. My boyfriend hasn't contacted me yet today, so I'm sure he's happily playing WoW in front of a fan. My family is up north, being a family. And I'm here. I'm in a house with very little left in it... yet paradoxically still too much to do before the "you must be out or else" date.

I should be distracting myself by doing those things that still need to be done instead of dwelling on my mood through my blog, but hey - I'm allowed a little self indulgence once in a while aren't I? As long as I recognise what it is... which of course makes me feel silly ...

Moving on.

In the words of Alan,

Today I...

- woke up 15 minutes before my alarm, giving myself time to watch YouTube videos... which rocked.
- Lamented that I'd packed the tea and taken it up to the new place already... then found the tea! Miracles of miracles!
-Thought I would vomit on a bus on the way to work... luckily didn't.
-Had an awesome bargain breakfast at an awesome café in Adelaide - Ecco Espresso Bar at the Hilton entrance to Adeladie Central Market Arcade. Recommended.
- Worked for 5 hours, most of which was spent wondering if there was ANYTHING to do...
- Read some more of the most awesome book I've read in a while... look it up, see if its in your library and read it. Its called "The Rope of Man" by Witi Ihimaera
- I tidied, I blogged and then, I will probably read some more...

Enough!
Back to the non-computer world!

Its really late and I shouldn't be blogging

Its really late and I shouldn't be blogging ... but I am. Because I'm self-destructive like that. Nevermind.

I just thought I would quickly do this.

Dear Amanda,

You are too judgemental of the people around you, because they remind you of yourself. Don't nitpick when all you are doing is criticising yourself, whilst hurting and annoying other people.

You expect too much of people, and probably don't listen to them enough to know what it is they are really trying to say. A few moments of insight and compassion don't make up for most of what you miss.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You have people who love you enough to tell you when you are too much of a bitch. Even though people find it hard to let you in as much as you would like them to, life isn't a TV show, and you aren't the protagonist. Just let it go, let it happen, and let it be.

Every moment contains within it the purpose and meaning of your life. Don't forget about that and get lost in thought.

I love you, you silly head.
xo

A new AWESOME quiz...

This is stolen from John who says he stole it from facebook ...

What you do is, you type your name into google with the given word, and answer with your favourites!

Note: you can do this with your whole name, but since it doesn't work very well for me I've just gone with Amanda...

1. Amanda "needs"...
- YouTube - amanda needs to pee
well... I did need to pee but I've fixed that...
-Amanda C. Needs Some Direction « NewTeeVee
probably, I mean that's a fair comment ...
-Amanda needs to be loved - Carbone & Money - Opinion - theage.com.au
YES I DO. Well, I believe I am loved, but that doesn't change the fact that I need to be.
-Amanda needs a better storyline - All My Children Message Boards ...
Lols ... yes I do need a better storyline... I would love to write a book, but that storyline eludes me.

2. Amanda "looks like"
-Life in a Suitcase: Amanda looks like"Amanda looks like any nerd in school, but she is actually really smart and cool . She is smart because she knows everything about bugs"
Well, I don't actually know anything about bugs... despite people confusing Anthropology with a whole plethora of other professions including things to do with bugs. But I think I'm smart and cool ... which means I'm probably not...
-Stefani : photos : Christmas 2005 : Amanda looks like she is ...
Looks like she is what? I just had to click the link, and apparently "Amanda looks like she is pouting here"...


3. Amanda "says"
-Boy v. Girl Amanda says: As crazy as it sounds, we lie to make it seem like we're not Little Miss Bitch. If a dude asks us out and we're just not attracted, ..."
Well I'm not sure if that's true... well, probably...
-MySpace.com - Amanda says [{ Im so tired of bullshit!!}] - 20 ..
That's true...
-amanda says gimme that coffee drink on Flickr - Photo Sharing!
That's true...
Oh and apparently there is a website actually called "amandasays.com" and "amandasays.co.uk". Crazy huh?

4. Amanda "wants"
-YouTube - Super Amanda: Masterpiece Cleavage Blooper
Super Amanda wants to be Alistair Cooke in black satin corset ...
Lols.
-Amanda wants to go and play pictures from kittens photos on webshots
I'm not sure if that's a proper sentence... and by "I'm not sure if" I mean "No way", but I want to go and play with kittens, or look at photos of kittens... that's cool with me.
-Amanda Wants A Hug 'N Kiss
hehe... sure do!


5. Amanda "does"
-MySpace.com - Amanda Does What She Wants - 25 - Female - Fresno ..
I try to do what I want... hells yes.
-YouTube - super strong amanda does pushups
That's hilarious... I'm not super strong, and cannot do pushups...

6. Amanda "hates"
-YouTube - Re: Amanda hates good music
LIES!
-YouTube - Amanda Hates Feet
um... not really. I mean they are pretty useful.

7. Amanda "asks"
-ABC News: Amanda Asks: 'What Would Google Do?'
Lol. There were several links that had this phrase... I think I should start using it...
-Amanda (writer) and Riceman (tutor) Amanda asks "Do I need to push return after each sentence?" ... Amanda asks "Do you think that I should put it after her name or what?" ..
Yes.
That's odd.
I don't push return after each sentence.


8. Amanda "likes"
-Exotic yet ordinary: Amanda likes to distract herself with silliness
That's true.
-Amanda Likes Stalking
Only on facebook... I swear!

9. Amanda "eats"
(I didn't think this one would turn up much but apparently I eat a lot).
- Amanda eats Subway
-Amanda eats pellets
-Amanda eats my meat
-Amanda eats pandas

I feel uncomfortable about all of those except the first. The first is definately true.

10. Amanda "wears"
- JANET BED SCENE - AMANDA WEARS SEXY CHAPS AND RIDES MARSHALL LIKE ..
Oooookay... like what? um, I don't want to see.
-Amanda Lear - PHOTO HISTORY Yet another picture in which Amanda wears outfit from Christian Llinarés collection.
I wish I could wear an outfit from any collection that wasn't my own...

11. Amanda "was arrested for"
-Amanda Overmyer Arrested for DUI :: Celebrity gossip juicy ...28 Feb 2008 ... American Idol finalist Amanda Overmyer spent time behind bars for drink driving and has a string of other motoring offenses on her record, ...
oooh juicy goss that.

12. Amanda "loves"
-Jon: Amanda loves texture and living vicariously
True I suppose...
-amanda-loves-lesbians
I couldn't say that I know any lesbians personally for that statement to be fully true, but I guess I love lesbians for standing their ground, and loving who they want to love.


Well that's it folks! You should try it... adds a whole new dimension to googling yourself. Er... not that I do that regularly...

*cough*


x

Dear People.

Today I drove a long way. And during my drive I thought - I should write a blog when I get home. But not about the boring trip, the boring town I went to, and all that. Rather, I should write a blog where I address an anonymous letter to each of my friends. Just short ones, and not to all my friends... but maybe just a few - like 3 perhaps.

So here goes. If you are my friend, maybe you know who I'm talking to... if you don't know me, and stumbled across this randomly, well, you can probably relate to what I'm saying.

___________________________________________
Dear friend,

We've known eachother for quite a while now, and we've been through quite a bit. I've always admired you but I couldn't begin to tell you why. You are a wonderful loyal friend, but lately things have changed. I don't know why completely, although I could speculate ... with everything that's happened in the last year I guess you could justify a bit of a change in attitude. The problem is, more so than usual, you couch what you say in passivity and ambiguity when it relates to your opinion. Worse, you'll complain about something that's wrong, and when someone else agrees that its crap, you'll defend it... I just don't know what to do anymore! I love you but you drive me crazy - original huh?

-Amanda

________________________________________
Dear friend,

I haven't actually known you that long if you think about it, but you are one of my closest friends. The trouble I have is that I struggle to have myself heard around you. Sometimes I will start saying something, but you will cut me off and start a conversation of your own, and no one seems to notice that I was saying anything at all. I find it frustrating both for the obvious reason of feeling my opinion isn't worth hearing, but also for the fact that I can't seem to bring it up because I value you too much as a friend to risk hurting you. Its complicated. Also - god damnit get some self confidence. There is a reason your friends love you like crazy, and its not because you've tricked us into doing so! You're an awesome, compassionate and loving person and you need to wake up and realise your special place in the world.

-Amanda

_____________________________________________
Dear friend,

I have known you for a long time too, but somehow I haven't ever had a fight with you. I don't know how, but we've always got along. You are my sister that turned out not to be my sister... which is good because we get all the awesome parts of sisterhood and none of the crappy angsty stuff that you get when you grow up. I admire you, I worry for you and I love having you around. I don't know what I'm going to do without you, but I think my phone will be used a little bit more often somehow. I want you to look after yourself and I do worry that you have a tendency to the excess, but I trust that you know when enough is too much, and the people you keep around you are good people too. But if it is ever too much, I know that you trust me enough to come and ask me for help, or for a shoulder, or advice - or even just a hug. Because I love you in an unexpected, unconditional way.

-Amanda



If you read this, and you think its you, it might not be. If you feel offended, don't be. These are letters to my friends, who I love. Also if you recognise the negative qualities, that doesn't mean its you! Part of the reason things annoy me is because I recognise those qualities in myself, and so they annoy me in other people more than other things, because they are things about myself that I don't like... see? Ah. Complicated. Relationships are fun. :-P



Now, just because he always wants me to, here is a bit about ... sex.

We have it.
We like it.

;-) Sorry honey, that's all I feel comfortable revealing on a semipublic forum.

I love you!



xox