Gay/LGBTQ "Lifestyle"

I was on Tumblr the other day (not a shocking revelation if you know me...) and was reading a back and forth between some people who were arguing over the issue of marriage equality and LGBTQ rights.

I don't want to misrepresent anyone's views, but in the interest of providing context, the gist of the arguments were:
Person 1 - Arguing against someone's rights based on your own subjective opinion (based in religion or otherwise) is bigotry.
Person 2 - I'm not a bigot, I just disagree with the gay lifestyle, and I'm allowed my opinion.
Person 1 - Your opinion should not impinge on the rights of anyone, let alone a significant population. You voicing your opinion is tantamount to an act of violence towards those people.

So... quite the incendiary discussion.

And the thing that really hooked me was this strange concept of "gay lifestyle."

Let me first be clear - I'm definitely of the opinion that LGBTQ rights are human rights. That arguing against them is wrong. That you don't get to have an opinion on rights ... because they're rights. Well - I mean sure you can have an opinion... but no one should make any decisions over someone's rights based on an opinion. The right to education, for example - some people believe this should be restricted to males only. An opinion that we won't act on because education is an agreed right.

Now back to the 'gay lifestyle' thing now that you aren't reading this afraid that I might suddenly reveal myself to be a homophobe.

What on earth is a 'gay lifestyle'?!

It seems to me that people who make this argument are hiding behind a pretty flawed concept. "Oh I'm not opposed to people being gay at all, I just disagree with the  harmful gay lifestyle."

How confusing. Mainly because how do you describe the gay lifestyle? How do you describe any lifestyle in a meaningful way? I'll tell you how - by being wrong for the majority of people you are purporting to describe. I think you could describe an individual's lifestyle pretty well, even if it did reduce your experience to key factors and decisions that might not reflect the entirety of your life.

But when you extend that description to cover a group of people - and worse still, a significant percentage of the population - you are going to run into some problems. The problem of "average". For example, try to describe the "white" lifestyle. Take a survey of all white people, find the most common attributes and describe the lifestyle according to that - and then see how well that suits all "white people" ... not a very useful exercise.

Take the LGBTQ population, or even just the LGB population, and take a survey on their lives and try to apply it to everyone and see how many people are outside those parameters. You'll have the same problem. The only meaningful commonality for these people is that they all identify as LGB. Their actions, their lives, their experiences, their lifestyles are all different - sometimes vastly.

So I think the argument of 'gay lifestyle' is doing two things. It is hiding the real cause of the anti-gay-rights person's discomfort, and standing for a misconception on what being gay means, and what gay people's lives entail.

I don't know if it is deliberate or not, and in most arguments where this phrase is thrown in there is no further qualification but I think 'gay lifestyle' when used in this context is code for the perception of a reckless and morally inferior lifestyle.

There seems to be the perception amongst those who haven't been exposed to real life LGBTQ people, that their lifestyles and sexual orientations seem to revolve around sex, sex, sex. And that the reason that same-sex dalliances occur is because these people can't sit still long enough to find an appropriate person to fall in love with; they'll just fall in bed with the closest person and do whatever their bodies (not their minds) want them to do.

But I can tell you from experience, that this idea is nonsense. I mean sure there are probably LGBTQ people out there whose lives do revolve around sex. But that is true of some straight people too, and no one is attempting to remove the rights of all straight people based on the actions of a few of them.

I have two main examples in my life of the LGBTQ "lifestyle". The first one is my uncle. He is gay, and has been with his partner for as long as I have been alive (literally - they met within a month of my birth). They live in a house they've bought together, they have a dog, they both work and pay the bills, they enjoy travel, they worry about their ageing parents, they like to drink wine, and enjoy hosting dinner parties. In short apart for a couple of minor details they are pretty identical to my parents (who are straight, cis-gendered people who've been together for 35 years).

Pretty radical lifestyle, huh? I can see why you'd disagree with that... (Yes, sarcasm detected).

The second example is of the B in the LGBTQ lifestyle. Not too many people are aware that I am bisexual. Why? Well because my first boyfriend turned into my first serious relationship, turned into my husband and here we are. I live a 'straight' existence because I fell in love with someone of the opposite sex. So my lifestyle is literally exactly the same as someone who identifies as straight. Say, for example, my husband - a straight man.

So when people make this declaration of being opposed to the "lifestyle", alarm bells start ringing in my head. Either they are under a lot of misconceptions of what that means, or they are deliberately conflating the experience of millions of people under the banner of harmful stereotypes and misconception.

I am an eternal optimist who believes the best of everyone until proved otherwise. I understand that most people want to do the right thing according to how they see the world, and that everyone has motivations, needs and desires. But it is really hard to remember that when I see arguments or defences trotted out like this.

Not to mention the idea of "disagreeing" with someone else's lifestyle.  What a strange concept... as if your agreement has anything to do with anything.


I suppose I just needed to get that off my chest. It just makes me mad when people don't think through their arguments. Possibly because I try to be so careful in my own, that I'm as right as I can be, and as not-hurtful as I can be. Yes my view probably offends someone who holds to the whole "gay lifestyle = bad" idea, but I don't mind confronting that - because, if you've managed to read this whole thing... it is flawed.

In conclusion - there is no such thing as  a "gay lifestyle". Your opinion is not needed when it comes to human rights - they are rights, not privileges to be doled out at your discretion. It is high time we started viewing people, especially "other"/"different" people, as complex humans and not placeholders for stereotypes or misconceptions that we may or may not agree with.

Human Rights and Being Remembered

The thought has occurred to me more than once: the idea that in future generations, our actions and inactions will be judged with regards to equal rights, with regards to asylum seekers, with regards to many local and global issues of conscience.

And selfishly, this is a compelling argument. Because it is just too damn easy to "click like" and have an opinion, while it is hard to find something meaningful to actually do something.

I talk the talk  -  Australia's mistreatment of asylum seekers is reprehensible. And I, as an Australian, am unwillingly responsible for this violation of human rights, for this crime Australia's lack of action with regards to climate change is shameful, and will have permanent consequences for future generations who inhabit this earth that we are failing to care for. Australia's (slowly changing) attitude to LGBTQ rights (not just marriage equality) is embarrassing.

If I do nothing about these issues, I provide no incentive for those who need a push to act. Sadly there are people who need a political or monetary incentive to do the right thing... And by my inaction (and signing an online petition really doesn't do much...) I don't do anything to push the people in power to make the right decision; to make a decision on behalf of my country that I can be proud of.

And if I need any further reason to act, then, selfishly, I can think what future generations will think of me. I won't have any children, but my nephew (and future nephews, nieces, friends children etc.) can look back at our generation and judge us harshly. How could we have let this happen? Why did we not demand change not just by our clicking of social media buttons, but with our actions?

The funny thing about imagining the judgement of those future generations, is that you are really projecting your inner conscience. Which just goes to further reinforce what I already know: these issues deserve my action and my voice. I shouldn't have to defer to a hypothetical judgement to reveal what I know to be right and wrong.

And so I am trying to do things. I can't do a lot. But when I can, I lend my money - since that speaks loudly for me. When I can - I counter poor arguments; I challenge mistaken conceptions. And one day I'll get over my own anxiety enough to participate in protests and more confrontational forms of action. (No I'll never resort to violence).

I don't really know why I am writing a blog that no one reads about this... except to say that it helps to get my thoughts in order. This is what I think, and is what I believe. I suppose it is a manifesto of sorts.

Post-Celebration

So it seems that we are nearly half-way through 2015.
And what a strange year it has been, and will still shape up to be.


As usual, I feel like blogging when I need to figure shit out... And this has been prompted by my most recent trip away. I went to Tassie for the DARK MOFO festival put on my MONA in Hobart. It was... amazing. So much art, and food, and drink.

There were fires, and warm drinks, and fascinating art. What more could you want, really?

And then I come back here and spend my time at the same desk I've been sitting at for two years and wonder what I'm doing... Of course, I know what I'm doing: I'm earning money. Because without money I'm fucked.

But I'm starting to hope I might be able to find a way to make money that feels less pointless and wasteful. Because I do feel wasted. I'm a clever chicken, so I'm told. I have so much more to give than what I'm doing at the moment.


But how to take that risk? How to push? How to not be scared shitless of the down-side of risk... You know, the chance that I'll end up with no job, no money, and no security. I can't go there. I've seen my parents struggle there, and I don't want to do it.


So for now - I'm doing what I usually do at this point: I'm studying again (this time a combination of useful things and fun things - business and art), I'm sketching and painting to the point that I don't know what to do with the results, and I'm googling non-stop.

What exhibitions could I participate in? What art prizes could I enter? What other pathways are there out there? Where could we move to? What else could I do?


And that's where I am at the moment! Waiting for half my friends to leave (lots of people with big plans afoot), waiting to see if this job will offer me more (or if I could push for more), working on some study, and going crazy with the art.

There you go - the traditional "what am I doing with my life?!?!?!" blog: the foundation of my writing, it seems.

How I Am Not My Mother, Emily O'Neill

To be only bone. To be thin
chrome handle bars on a quiet bicycle.
Small & held like a pebble
underneath my tongue, assassin
of thirst. She used to run, before
all of the children. She used to be
knife fine. I saw a picture
of her glowing frown, her hips
with their ashtray curves. Muse
at dock’s end, endless black olive hair.
That’s what they called her:
Olive Oil. Angular, and animated.
I tore my voice off trying
to be uncanny, porcelain.
I want to be the same ghost.
I jog around the block,
a gasping hole in my sail.
Force my feet into tiny
wooden shoes and bleed.
Hope to become a lens
flare. A stoic.
Like her.

My First Lover Speaks to Me as I Sleep With Her, Raven Jackson (PANK magazine)

This is what it feels like to split the shell of a woman.

Shards of her everywhere. Animal light spread across

the walls. For a second, I feel like a boy entering
a woman for the first time. My skin shivering as if pulled

from the banks of a river. Clothes shapeless on the floor. When she moves
beneath me, I wonder how someone could enter her like a hook

thick as ropes. Tear her into two. And he comes to me as if I’ve closed my eyes.
The braided scar above his lip. The clench

of teeth on my ear. Like this, he says, showing me how to peel her back
like husks. Like this.

*****

Holy shit.

So much amazing.

Sometimes I go weeks without looking at much poetry. Some still filters in, thanks to some excellent poetry bloggers on tumblr (for example lifeinpoetry) and some poets, journals and magazines that I follow on facebook (for example Sam Sax, Australian Poetry). And PANK... when I remember to check it. But man, when I do...

Poems like the one above make me exhale audibly... make me throw my head back and say "fuck", or similar. 

They seem tangible, and I will be thinking about this poem for a long time. 

Audre Lorde, from “125th Street and Abomey,” The Black Unicorn: Poems

mother, illuminate my offering
of old victories
over men over women over my selves
who has never before dared
to whistle into the night
take my fear of being alone
like my warrior sisters
who rode in defense of your queendom
disguised and apart
give me the woman strength
of tongue in this cold season.

We Were Liars

We Were Liars by E. Lockhart
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I can't decide how I really feel about this book... which is probably why it has taken me so long to write this review. I did like it. It was a great YA novel, which didn't focus solely on the old "coming of age fall in love" tropes that get done to death in this (and every) genre.

There is foreboding, there is angst, there is revelation that spins your view of the narrative and the narrator again and again. You are reminded of your privilege. You are reminded of others' privilege.

But there was something about this book, despite everything I like about it, that made it drag. I struggled to not skip ahead because there is SO. MUCH. FOREBODING. That I found myself rolling my eyes and going "yes I get it - something is going to happen / has happened".

I didn't expect what happened though, which was nice. And in the end I was glad I persisted. I need more books in my life where the main conflict does not revolve around romantic interests (though there is some believable teen romance going on here too), and while I wish I could love this book more, that doesn't mean it shouldn't be counted in the list.

In the end I probably wouldn't recommend this as a "must read!!!" but if someone was interested in reading it, I'd encourage them to give it a go. And not to read spoilers... because then the pay off of all that foreboding would be pretty disappointing.

View all my reviews