Manda blogs about stuff... but then disappears

I kind of disappeard didn't I?

I guess I just blogged myself out. I've been in a wierd place lately... I don't know.

Its not like I haven't had anything to say.

So in an effort to be a blogger again I'm just going to write random things that I see online.

"I am the spectator, who secretly wants to be spectated." - Chatbott.
How freaking real is that online?

Have you ever wanted to know the kinds of things I think about when I'm doing my special version of anthropology? Look at videos by Michael Wesch. He's so ... so right. And clear. If I could be half as clear I'm sure I would feel a lot more in control of where I think I'm going.



Think about all that! Its amazing isn't it?

Almost School Time

Oh god I really am a nerd. Its nearing the end of February, and its that time when Uni students start to get their stuff together. Books, folders, bags... readers! Oh gosh I love readers... And I'm so jealous. I know I said I'd have a year off but the more I think about it the more I want to do it all over again.

Crazy woman huh? Yeh.

I guess its just such a huge part of who I think I am, that I find it hard to let it go.

Ever since the first time I saw an intelligent young girl in a TV show, and identified her as confident and cool, in a way that I percieved I wanted to be, I decided that was who I would be. I have managed the school bit, the study bit, the loving books bit, but I've never been cool! Still, I love that perception of myself though. The studier.

And its developed into something more that than too; something more than what I want others to see me as. I have a desire to learn. I love the act of study. I love the way that things click and you have moment after moment of "ooooh! i get it!". I just do. And I know that most of it is entirely useless, because when I die, who cares what I know? Who cares what I've read? And who cares if I knew things in an entirely different way to anyone has ever known things before? But something feels right in a way that makes me smile... in the way you smile when you think about your closest relationships. (My little sister who is pregnant with her first child excitedly telling me that her baby has hiccups! My boyfriend spontaneously jumping on me in a giant affectionate hug. My friend coming to see me just because I sounded a bit sad in my Facebook status... See? Smiles!)

Anyways. I don't know if I'll enter anything formal this year or not, but I know that I could never give up learning.



Ok. Wierd post... but I had to blog. Its been too long! And that's what I was thinking.

x

My Country is burning

I like that title. "My country is burning".

It is black, and it is red and the waves of heat warp our vision so that we struggle to recognise landscapes as our own. They can't be ours. They are burnt, and black, red embers, orange licks of flame that light up the brown, ash filled skies.

I am so sick of summer, the Australian trademark. Burning its name onto the land. Marysville, a town I visited when I was 11 years old... it had beautiful snow, lovely old houses, nestled in trees and bushes. There was a car museum, and local shops where my sister and I bought book to colour in, and stickers to put in them. Marysville no longer exists. The land is there, but it is burnt, broken, charred and disappeared.

So many people have died in ways that you don't want to imagine too closely for the horror of it. Burnt alive. Or perhaps more mercifully, they passed out from smoke before they were killed in the flame.

Seperated families. Whole families. Lovers. Unrequited loves. Children.

I can't bear to think about it, but how could you bear not too?

Reading reading reading...

Last year I watched a few youtube channels with some regularity. I started this habit in 2007 when Nannal and I discovered the Vlogbrothers. We watched every episode and loved it... knowing the inside jokes, and getting to know these very funny, real people. In 2008 I watched the fiveawesomegirls, and the fiveawesomeguys more than anythings else. One of the FAgirls, Kristina (Monday) had a goal at the beginning of last year to read 50 books... and I thought that was a good idea. So I decided to steal that goal, and use it for myself...

I thought that I should blog about this today because 1) I just read Kristina's blog which reminded me that I hadn't blogged about this particular thing; and 2) because I plan on doing a lot of reading over the next few days.

You see, being ridiculously hot over the last few days, my only shift for this week was cancelled (no one buys chocolate in the heat apparently... sensible I suppose). Which means that I have a whole week with absolutely nothing to do. This is thus a good opportunity to have a mini-holiday. I can read... I can blog... I can tidy up my desktop and organise which stuff goes on which computer... I can be all arty!

But back to the reading. Perhaps I should create a list or something on the side to show what I've read so I can keep track... I started doing this in November last year so by November this year I will (hopefully) have a list that is 50 items long! Woot!

So far I've read:
13 Little Blue Envelopes - Maureen Johnson
Paper Towns - John Green
The Book Thief - Markus Zusak
The Witchfinders - Malcolm Gaskill
An Equal Heart and Mind - Margaret McKinney
A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
The Ministery of Special Cases - Nathan Englander
The Rope of Man - Witi Ihimaera

and now I'm reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman. This might have been a bad choice because it is over 600 pages long... but I can do it! :-P


Anyways... that is what's what... or however that clunky saying goes.


Wish me luck with the reading!


x

follow up

What to do what to do...

But of course! Blog!

My last blog mentioned a horrible horrible conversation I had with my boyfriend. At some point when I got back to SA, and we were driving home, we did break up. I don't know how or why really but we did.

Don't panic though, it wasn't for long. We talked and we cried. And then we just decided to take it one step at a time, not look too far ahead, and just be us. I don't like that I can't rely on our relationship as much as I did not even a week ago, but that's the way it is. He freaked out. He read too much into what we were doing, and what it meant we were going to be doing. He also is a 21 year old male... who wants to ... erm - spread his seed, shall I say? But in the same breath he's also in love with me (he assured me), and can't imagine someone being as good as me (I blush retyping that...). So what do we do?

In the horrible hours that passed between our first conversation on the phone, and when I got to see him and talk to him face to face, I thought a lot of things. One was that cliche -"If you love them, let them go. If they love you they will return." And it made my heart ache. Mainly because it made me realise that yes I do love him, but no I don't think enough of myself to trust he would come back. I can't let him go ...

I also thought, pushing aside the pain of breaking up, that if we weren't together, I would probably save up money and leave the country... or study again... or leave the country to study. So when we were deciding to "start again" (not that we really can... you can't erase 3 years), we decided that, rather than buy a house, we would save to travel. To go to America.

I don't know what to do about his yearning to experience ... well, exploits so to speak ... but I know he wants to go to America to meet some online friends and hang out for a while there. Who knows, maybe I'll get confident enough to turn a blind eye while I go and travel Europe for a bit... Eh. Its all so hard to think about.

But I think the main thing is that he's still there. He still loves me. I still love him. Whether or not that is smart remains to be seen.

x

What a long break from blogging. Moving house seems to disrupt these things doesn't it.

Last night I had a horrible horrible conversation with my boyfriend. I am thousands of kilometres away from him, he was drunk, I was sobering up, and he decided that we should probably break up. We didn't. But we cried and talked and it was horrible.

Horrible horrible.

My advice, don't take calls when you are hungover or drunk and thousands of kilometres away.

Echoes...

A new day, an increasing sense of absense. This house feels less like my home, but my new place hasn't filled that void yet either. I doubt that it will. If my bedroom is open for all who wish to walk through, whenever they desire to get to the bathroom, how can I feel any sense of security, ownership or privacy? I can't. So I'm at my house, which for now is still my house. I can sit topless at the computer, and know, with certainty that no one will walk in.

Yes I'm in one of those moods. A mood when the absense of people is difficult to deal with. My friends are somewhere doing what ever it is they do when they are not with me. My boyfriend hasn't contacted me yet today, so I'm sure he's happily playing WoW in front of a fan. My family is up north, being a family. And I'm here. I'm in a house with very little left in it... yet paradoxically still too much to do before the "you must be out or else" date.

I should be distracting myself by doing those things that still need to be done instead of dwelling on my mood through my blog, but hey - I'm allowed a little self indulgence once in a while aren't I? As long as I recognise what it is... which of course makes me feel silly ...

Moving on.

In the words of Alan,

Today I...

- woke up 15 minutes before my alarm, giving myself time to watch YouTube videos... which rocked.
- Lamented that I'd packed the tea and taken it up to the new place already... then found the tea! Miracles of miracles!
-Thought I would vomit on a bus on the way to work... luckily didn't.
-Had an awesome bargain breakfast at an awesome café in Adelaide - Ecco Espresso Bar at the Hilton entrance to Adeladie Central Market Arcade. Recommended.
- Worked for 5 hours, most of which was spent wondering if there was ANYTHING to do...
- Read some more of the most awesome book I've read in a while... look it up, see if its in your library and read it. Its called "The Rope of Man" by Witi Ihimaera
- I tidied, I blogged and then, I will probably read some more...

Enough!
Back to the non-computer world!