Manda blogs... about stuff

Initial Enthusiasm Dampened

2011-03-04T14:32:00.000-08:00

So my ''bursting with excitement!!!'' moment is over. And I'm back to reality - which for me lately consists of being depressed about where my life is going. (Seriously - I have such first world troubles!)

I have completed an undergraduate degree, an honours degree, and a post-graduate certificate. And I work part-time in a reception. And what else? Oh, well I play World of Warcraft, and I work on my family tree, but is that what I want to be doing with my life?

I am not studying anymore, so I can no longer get away with the excuse that "I'm waiting for real life to begin" because this is it, folks... This is real life. Me, sitting at my computer lamenting the fact that the people who I apply to for jobs don't get that I actually want to do something more with my life.

This is despite the fact that this is actually all ok - I'm saving up for my big trip OS. I couldn't exactly get a job now and say at the outset "Oh, and I'll need a full month off in July because I'm going to a Harry Potter conference, and then a brief jaunt to the UK and Hong Kong... ok?" That'd be rude. (I know - I could...)

So really I should be making the most of this time of only working 15 hours a week, and filling my life with hobbies, and baking and self-improvement. But unfortunately all these things only have their appeal if you don't have time for them... Such is life.

My suggestions for myself:

Do a short course - you love study, do more of it!

Volunteer work - you'll feel useful!

PAINT - You lazy artist, you.

Write and research - When will you have the time for your brain-crack ideas if you get a full-time job, huh?

Good point self. Good point. Now to attempt to pull self out of funk...

Oh my how time flies.

2011-03-02T02:13:00.000-08:00

Wow ... long time no blog eh?

What has happened since... (!!!) October 2010?

I turned 24 years old.
I got a brand spankin' new iMac! This was a birthday present from my lovely man... Thank goodness my parents were there or I would have probably done something to show my gratitude right then and there in the living room (with sheer curtains).
I bought my plane tickets for my Overseas trip this year (I actually can't remember when this happened - but OMG still so excited!)
I went back to SA in November for the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - Can I just say, so AMAZING. That movie is the only one where I can say that I absolutely loved it with no reservations. Even the bits that they missed were not important, and the things that they changed actually made it better! Unbelievable!
I went back to SA again in December for Christmas. It was lovely actually - But made me realise how very different my cousins and I are! All except 2 would barely even make eye contact with me, and I find that very bizarre. Those few hours where all the cousins were there were probably some of the most uncomfortable I've had in a long time!
I finished my degree - that's number three folks. Yes I am now Amanda Claire Wells B.A., Hons. (Anth.), Grad. Cert. (Crim & Crim. Jus.). Just watch the letters grow!

Then it was new years, then people visited, then ... well, I've done little else but play World of Warcraft and find even more branches to my family tree.

Then there were floods - we were fine. We are just far enough back from the river to have been unaffected, even though we are literally 15 metres from the rivers edge - it is ever so slightly uphill. We watched the boardwalk go under, streets go under, debris (including a restaurant) float past all the while feeling very odd. Everything that you saw on the news just didn't add up with what we could see simply because we were soooo lucky! The whole experience was dream-like.

Which pretty much leads me to now...

Lately I have been feeling very ... lacklustre. Actually downright lost! Having a part-time job is not conducive to feeling productive. And when I have exhausted my enthusiasm for my hobbies (Genealogy and WoW), I really don't have anything left to do.

I have been seriously contemplating doing further study just to occupy my mind and make me feel useful again...

Then today, while listening to a literary analysis of the Harry Potter series via Podcasts various, it hit me - why the hell can't I write a book or even article about Harry Potter from my own perspective? Why can't I apply anthropological theory and concepts to Harry Potter? Sure, the time for this sort of book is past - 2 or 3 years ago would have been perfect. But lets be honest here, I would not be doing this for money or fame. I would be doing this because I need to do this.

I am defined by many things in my mind. One of those things is my love of study and academia. Another of those things is my passion for Harry Potter. So many people do not understand this - but Harry Potter is so very much more than just a children's book series. Yes, it is that. But it is also an epic narrative about love, death, change and choice - how universal is that?

The world created in these novels is so intricate that I could use that as a way of illuminating western Culture in general - but even better, the popularity of the books and particularly the fandom (which has its strongest foothold on the internet) makes for a wonderful application of anthropological theory and themes...

BURSTING WITH EXCITEMENT.

I've already started to brainstorm, and I've even sourced several books I can read (apart from the canon of course!) to help me on my way.

That's my life in a nutshell! I live in an apartment that I rarely leave with Nathaniel, my iMac and the internet. Doesn't sound too exciting does it? Just you wait!

Nice Surprise

2010-10-03T17:42:00.001-07:00

Well its a nice day Brisbane today, as opposed to the last week where its been pretty rainy and overcast. Of course, on a nice day like this I find out that I have a 4000 word case study to write by next Monday - yes, that's seven days away - which is worth SIXTY PERCENT of my mark for this subject. My god. I won't be going outside for a little while I think.

So why am I blogging? Well it isn't as bad as it looks. I'm not REALLY procrastinating, because this is part of my plan. I haven't written anything in a while, so I have kind of lost the "roll", if you will. You know when you are on a roll when you are writing - you feel the words flowing, you feel inspired, and you don't go "Oooooh GROAN... can't someone else do this for me?" I'd like to avoid that as much as possible. So in a sense I'm flexing my writing muscles. See? Its not so bad.

Anyway - I'm off to figure out what theory I'm going to use, research it, and understand it enough to make it look like I know what I'm talking about to other people :-P FUN!

Whatcha doooooiin?

2010-09-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

So living in Brisbane is nice. The weather is mostly quite lovely, the city is nice and city-like. I have good company at home, and most of the people at work are nice. I have boss issues, but that's ok cos I'm job hunting ...

The thing is that I really quite miss the ability to just go and visit people. I'm also scared that when I go back, things won't be the same - new friends might have turned into aquaintances etc. I guess that's the compromise I've made.

The funny thing is, I think I'd one day like to move to Wales. How much more impossible will it be to spontaneously visit my friends, or sister, or parents? I think I may be crazy. I think the thought of moving away, and the thought of my friends and family are just kept in crazy seperate parts of my mind, and I refuse to accept that by moving away, I'll lose the ability to see everyone I want: why can't I have my cake, and eat it too? Mmm... cake.

Speaking of cake - did you know its very hard to lose weight when the only person you are really accountable to is your boyfriend who would eat everything in Woolworths every day if he had the chance? True story.

Anyways. There isn't much more to update on. I've got nothing to rant about - nothing I want on the internet anyway, so I think that's it for now.

In summary:

Miss my friends and family
Want to move to Wales
Want to eat cake
Have skinny boyfriend

Much love,

Manda

In the Brisbane

2010-08-11T23:51:00.000-07:00

So I've moved to Brisbane with the Nannal. We live in an awesome apartment in the city centre, pretty close to Queen Street mall, and closer to Brunswick Street in Fortitude Valley (the Valley, as its apparently known).

I've even got a job in the reception downstairs... That's right - my commute to work has turned from 2 1/2 hours when I was working at Haigh's, to 2 minutes (and that's only if the lifts are being slow)! Mental...

The city is lovely - right on a river, lots of nice buildings, and friendly people (although they are terrible at walking in a straight line!). I don't want to compare it to Adelaide, because they are so different in my mind. I love Adelaide so much - I can picture the streets, the skyline, and the little lanes so well - so I won't compare the two because it might make me sad. Not that Brisbane isn't great, but its like comparing a new friend to your mother - its just not the same! Not bad, but not the same!

The funniest thing about my life at the moment is that I never ever planned this. From all my lists and dreams over the years, I never once thought that I'd move to Brisbane because my boyfriend got a job up here. Especially getting a job in maintenance... not exactly the line of work that you associate with moving up in the world! But its certainly worked out that way. And he's got prospects, he enjoys his work (although never as much as his free time), and he has a shiny new car to dote on.

I suppose its just funny that no matter how much you plan and worry and all that, things will have a way of just happening. I like to picture an all knowing me sitting above me looking down and just laughing, shaking her head knowingly as I plan and plot my future. She knows what's going to happen, but hey, why spoil the fun of list making and dreaming?

Not that I don't believe that if I set my mind to something I can't make it happen, just that sometimes the unexpected is just as good as anything I plan, and that I have to admit that I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING!

But ssh. I'd like to keep the impression that I do, in fact, know everything. Lol... That's a whole other issue.

Anyway I'm going to go clean my very uncluttered and clean house - YAY! (New places that you brought 10% of your belongings to are very easy to clean by the way, just so you know).

xx

Brisvegas

2010-06-08T03:54:00.000-07:00

I'm moving to Brisbane.

Oh my god.

I'm moving to BRISBANE. Next month...

Oh my god.

Working and Studying

2010-05-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

The other day I had a little bit of an argument with Nannal. From his perspective it was probably nothing - just him teasing me. But for me it was a bit of a sting. See, he complained about the amount of money that he's been putting in the bills account relative to how much I contribute. Since he earns about 90% of our combined income I thought that was fair, but he said that I should be doing more around here... I wanted to slap, but I didn't.

Here are my go-to excuses.

1) I am studying at the moment. Granted, this argument is not very persuasive if I've just finished a solid day procrastinating ... but I think its a valid reason.

2) He spent a whole year mooching off me. He wasn't earning any money, he wasn't studying, and he didn't do that much cleaning. Ok, he did the dishes most of the time. But still. All he really did was play world of warcraft.

3) I DO a lot around here. The only time anything is ever cleaned is if I do it. The only time the random scattered booze bottles are ever cleared away (despite the fact that they are never mine) is when I do it. The only time the bathroom is cleaned (granted, that's not that often... bathrooms are smelly) is when I do it. The only time the clothes are picked up and sorted is when I do it. I could go on... So I DO a lot. He does very little - so nyeh.

4) Nyeh.

Ok the last one is probably not a very effective argument, but still.

I think I'm justified. Besides, it isn't like I haven't tried to get a better job. I have been applying for all manner of work since I finished my first degree. I've tried in all three levels of government. I've tried for big companies. I've tried for work interstate. I've tried in other retail positions. I've tried and tried and am sick of being knocked back. I'm the most qualified chocolate seller you can find.

But right now I think I'm pretty happy to be working in a chocolate shop a few times a week (although this coming week I only have ONE shift! Gah), while studying criminology - an area of study that is probably more likely to get me work than plain old anthropology (although I still love you Anthro!)

Le sigh. If only I could get paid for study (not by centrelink) and for doing genealogy. If only I could just paint stuff and have it sold for $300 a pop. If only I could go to sleep, and let my fingers write a brilliant piece of prose and then get published and rich. Sadly, I think I am going to have to work a bit harder for these things.

Now I might go off and analyse my life in terms of the criminal opportunities available to me and the social controls that prevent me from taking these opportunities... Or, I could study...

Who'da thunk?

2010-04-28T20:44:00.001-07:00

Who would have thought that my last post would be post number 60? This is definately the longest I've stuck to a single blog. I think that deserves a virtual round of applause - *applause*

It is almost the end of April, so I thought I'd break the cycle of only blogging once a month by blogging today - which, if your maths is as good as mine (read: you can add 1 and 1), makes TWO whole posts so far in this single month. Wow. I'm on fire.

Do I have anything to talk about of substance? Well not really. Except that I just saw Zombieland and thought it was really, really awesome. I absolutely loved the way they developed the characters, the darkness turned funny (which works sometimes in films but mostly not), the hilarious bit with Bill Murray and the ending. The end was a touch predictable, but I didn't care. Mostly because I did care about the characters and think the world that was created for them is so awesome that I wanted it to keep going.

Now, who would have thought that I would love a zombie movie other than Sean of the Dead?

In other news I have been thinking a lot about crime and criminogenic needs and all that stuff. I have to do an essay soon about a local crime problem. Given that I live in the Barossa I was thinking of doing something to do with alcohol abuse... But I thought it might be easier to go with illicit drug abuse among young people. We are supposed to look at the issue from two different theoretical perspectives, and I'm finding it difficult to choose between them! I'm fairly sure I'll choose conflict criminology because it is basically made for issues to do with drug use and criminality. But the second one is harder. This would be where, if I had blog readers, I would ask the masses to vote on a few options... But, seeing as I only have me, and I can't be arsed going through all the possible perspectives for the sake of a blog that no one reads, I won't. :P

Which brings me to another, if somewhat related point. Why do I bother to write this blog at all (even if it is only very rarely) if no one ever reads it? How can I have 61 posts, with no comments, and no views, and still have any motivation to write it? Well. I guess that's the difference between this blog and others I've started. This blog isn't about views. This blog is about me. When I feel like writing, I don't want to write on a word document, because that is too much like being productive. I want to write on a colourful space about the things I like. I don't want to have to be paranoid about upholding my reputation in regards to correct spelling and grammar. I don't want to worry about spelling wierd wrong.

WEIRD WEIRD WIERD WIERD who cares?! Its a stupid word anyway. I resort to saying 'odd' nowadays. Damn English.

Aaaanyway. That is enough procrastination for one day. Oddly enough (hehe- odd), writing this has put me in the mood to be productive. And so I shall.

Farewell!

BEDA for me is BEMI2010

2010-04-26T14:37:00.001-07:00

For those who don't know, my title means "Blog-Every-Day-in-April for me is Blog-Every-Month-In-2010", as I seem to log on once a month for the most part.

I just thought I would check in. I know I actually thought of something to write in my blog about 2 days ago, but alas I didn't write it down and now I can't remember what I thought was so blog worthy.

So here is a life update:

Those life possibilities I was talking about last month: Well, they haven't eventuated ... yet. I'm still hopeful, but Nannal isn't. Regardless, a change is coming because whether what we thought was initially going to happen comes about or not, Nannal is looking to change. You can only work in a place where you are constantly treading water and banging your head against the wall/tightass-shortsighted-management for so long before you move on.

Uni: My graduate certificate in Criminology and Criminal Justice is going relatively well. I haven't been the best at keeping up with weekly contributions on the discussion board, but I've definately been doing the readings and enjoying them for the most part. I think the main reason I forget to log on and commit my thoughts to ... well, not paper, but forum ... is because I do the readings, write some notes and have a 'tutorial' sort of discussion in my head. Then I guess I subconsciously tick that box without actually using those thoughts for a discussion with other people online. Woops. Silly brain.

I did hand in my first piece of work for the degree the other day though. It was an odd feeling because I had to submit it twice: a virtual copy, and a paper copy. The online submission was pretty easy - you just fill in a form and then upload the file and away you go. The paper one was weirder. Because it was too late for me to post it up to the campus, I had to do a Remote Area Print (or RAP ... hehe). That means that I had to add money to my printing account, and basically do the same thing as the online submission (upload document with a form) and then trust that the people who do all the work on the other end will print it out and get it to the course marker.

It is very odd trusting all this stuff to the internet. Its like the first time you transfer funds electronically - you feel like you've just sent all this money into cyber space and you aren't sure it will actually get to where it is supposed to go until you check with them that it has.

Weight: I can't remember if I actually mentioned this on the blog or not, but I joined weight watchers with some people at work, and it is going relatively well. I have lost about 9.5 kilos in total, which is just over 10% of my starting weight (yes for those of you with a gift of maths I weighed 94.4 when I started - shutup! :P). I'm actually very proud of my progress and optimistic that I can continue on and get down to my goal weight. I have lost almost 15cm around my hips, which sounds massive, and makes me feel pretty good. I also keep glancing myself in the mirror when I get changed and getting a little jump of pride in my stomach.

Now is as good a time as any to commit some goals to 'paper' in regards to my weight I suppose. My goal weight is 65kg, which is smackbang in the middle of my healthy weight range according to my BMI. I know its achievable because I weighed about that when I was in my final year of highschool and my body hasn't really changed since then (apart from the food related expansion). But losing that much weight is a bit daunting... So my first goal was 5% - which I reached a little while ago. My second was 10% before the end of the first program (which was the 5 May - so I'm ahead of schedule!). My third one was only a little step up to 10kg lost. Now I'm going to make my next goal 15kg lost - which would put me under 80kg... which would be AMAZING. I haven't been under 80kg since like... 2006. After that obviously I'll go for 20kg, then 25kg, then 1 kg increments until 65kg and I'll be ridiculously good-looking. Lol. Just kidding- I'll be lighter, but just as sexy :P.

I guess then the next real challenge will be to keep it off. And that is certainly a challenge. But if I can manage to change my lifestyle to fit the weight watchers program - which, essentially, is just watching portions, watching content, and getting moving - then I should be ok. I know I will never be one of those people who just doesn't have to worry about it, but that's ok. At least I'll feel in control and have a good handle on my body - what it needs, how it reacts, and what it feels like to be healthy. Which will be nice.

Ok. That's enough for one morning. I have only just had my coffee - I've not even showered! I think its time to get moving...

XO

P.S. I saw Kick Ass last night - it was very enjoyable. I liked the humour mixed with the usual super-hero themes of doing what is right, and the unusual aspect of an ordinary (as in no special powers) little girl totally owning people with her ninja-like fighting skills. Yes, she says 'cunts' - but that's ok. I'm sure that actors parents made her realise what it meant, why you shouldn't say it usually and all that... It worked. She was bad ass. Loved it.

Possibilities

2010-03-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

Recently we (as in Nathaniel and I) have been offered an opportunity to move interstate. And this time it isn't a "maybe possibly" but a "probably" kind of a deal. Which means that I'll be up and moving (probably) before the middle of the year. Crazy!

I always wanted to move somewhere other than Adelaide, but in my imaginings as teenager I always thought I'd move to Europe somewhere and meet an indie-rock-philosopher and fall in love, while getting paid shitloads to write books or analyse things/people.

Instead I may be moving to somewhere else in Australia, living in an awesome place (can't give too much away yet) with a gamer-nerd who is super good at fixing stuff. Life does not like the plans I lay out does it?

Oh and I'm certainly not getting paid shitloads to write books or philosophize about anything... But that's ok. I'll get there... and I'm sure the picture will look just as good. Whatever I end up doing, as long as it fits with me, I'll make it work.

Oooh... optimism on the horizon! That means I must have had enough coffee today... that's nice.

Moving Away

2010-02-24T19:31:00.000-08:00

I've been living up here in the Barossa for over a year now. Its been really nice actually. I had reservations about moving to the town where I went to highschool, but I've enjoyed rediscovering the Barossa. I like the community (what little of it I'm involved in), the views and the lack of traffic (coming from PortRush road, its a dream).

But the one thing that I miss is the proximity to my friends. It is difficult not to be offended when people you used to see (at the very least) once a month, sometimes once a week, have not been to see you once, except for my birthday party. I know it is an hour drive from Adelaide, but I know that because I drive it all the time. An hour drive isn't actually that long - listen to one CD and you are there.

I guess if we all made the effort to make clear when we were home and open to visitors we'd have more success. As for myself I always make the mistake of assuming that people are too busy to see me. And I suppose we really need to make an effort to catch up outside of birthday situations. The fringe should be the perfect opportunity because there is so much to do, and its in Adelaide (so no pesky driving aaaallll the way to Tanunda). But I've not heard any enthusiasm from anyone. Perhaps I should make the effort, and try to organise something... But it really feels like an uphill battle, and I find it hard to believe that friendship should feel like that.

Maybe its just one of those growing up things. Maybe... But I can't help but pine for the days when I would see people every weekend. I guess I'm just a failed, old social butterfly/moth.

In defence of Good Education

2010-02-22T14:03:00.000-08:00

There have been a few things that I've wanted to blog about since I last opened this site... but I always seem to get distracted, and then justify my distraction by telling myself to think about it for a while before blogging so my argument is more convincing. Unfortunately, as you might guess, I tend to forget what I was going to write about.

But one thing that sparked in me the urge to put fingers to keyboard (which is connected to a computer, connected to the internet and accessing blogger... gee that catchphrase is a bit longer than pen to paper...) is Dan Brown's YouTube video "An Open Letter To Educators" (see it here).

In this video Dan argues that education systems need to evolve past the point where they are now in order to retain their importance in society. This isn't because us Generation-Y-ers can't be bothered to sit in a classroom for more than 5 minutes when we aren't obliged to by law, but because the nature of information has changed drastically since the educational institution was designed.

In the past knowledge and information were valuable things. Starting way back when the only people with access to total information were the kings and his advisors, then moving forward to most aristocracy, and then to a broader class of the wealthy. If you wanted information you had to either be born into a position that granted you access to it, or have the capital to purchase it. Now I won't get into the whole concept of capital and knowledge and power as espoused by the likes of Foucault and Bourdieu, but you get the general idea. If you did not have the power (through whatever means) to access knowledge, you could not have it.

Now knowledge is virtually free. All you need is access to the internet, and you can find out anything. Sure, there are very small pockets of information that have yet to be uploaded to the internet, but for all intents and purposes, anything and everything is accessible for no cost on the internet.

"So why then do we persist in making people pay to learn facts, when they are so freely available?" is the question that Dan Brown basically asks.

I think that he definately has a point. Education institutions do have a habit of believing that the best way to teach their students is to teach them facts, and then test them on their ability to remember those facts. If that is the sole basis for a degree, I would certainly agree that there is not much point in paying for the privelige.

But I do think that there is more to most degrees than just fact-learning. I don't know if it is just because I went to the University that I went to, or that I did a Humanities degree, but to me a degree does much more than just teach you facts. A degree teaches you how to use those facts, talk about those facts, disagree with those facts, and critically analyse them. A degree should teach you how to be a critical problem solver who has the sufficient background knowledge in their area to effectively argue points, make plans, offer theories and succeed in their chosen area of specialty.

I guess a small part of that is memorising facts to the extent that you have to know what has been said and done in a discipline in order to move forward. We can't all discover everything from scratch. But I think that is the unimportant bit. Its like when you learn how to drive - you need to memorise all the basic rules and movements before you can go anywhere exciting... Or you will fail badly or die at worst.

So I think while Dan has a valid point, and many institutions do need to evolve the way that they teach their subjects and treat their students, the value of higher education is not entirely diminished.

Of course I'm biased... I have a Bachelor of Arts, and a First Class Honours Degree of Bachelor of Arts in Anthropology, and I am about to start my Graduate Certificate in Criminology and Criminal Justice. If I didn't believe in the education system, then I would certainly not be going back for my third degree, and not piling my HECS debt so high that I don't want to think about it... So I guess I'm somewhat invested in the argument.

But as I've said, Dan makes good points. He is a big ideas person, and I can see how a traditional learning environment would not suit him at all. He is so creative, he could probably design his own educational system and series of degrees to suit him before most of us could decide on which direction to take our lives after school... But I just had to argue the point from another perspective.

In life news, my sister turned 21! It was a pretty fun triad of happenings. First I went to the parent's place for dinner on the eve of her birthday. We had lasagne and wine and cake - a good night in my books. Then we went out on the town on the Saturday after her birthday and had a good time. Naturally I didn't last very long into the night as I'm a nana... and Nannal, in the middle of having an asthma attack, crashed my car into a pole that night. ... but overall it was a good night. And then finally we had the family dinner on the 20th at my parents' place. We invited all of the aunts and uncles and grandparentals and cousins... but who turned up? Mum and Dad and Teeni, of course. And Me and Nannal. And then just my Aunty Ce and Uncle Roly with their eldest Megan and her boyfriend Pat. That's right, out of all my parents siblings, their partners and children (that is 2 aunts 2 uncles all with partners and most with kids) only one sibling could be bothered to come. One didn't even reply that they weren't coming. They just didn't come...

Oh well, all the more for us I say.

Oh and I started Weight Watchers with a friend from work. Its actually pretty great. The first week I lost 2.7 kilograms, which was very encouraging. I'm not sure about this week, since I went over my points quite significantly on the weekend... damn birthday dinners! But I'm sure it will be ok.

Right this entry is quite long enough!

Aufwiedersehen!

Favourite Poems

2010-01-24T21:39:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to think of things to get tattooed on my back... I already have one tattoo, but I want more. But at the same time I kind of want to limit it to my back so a) it won't effect me at work; and b) I won't get sick of it quickly.

So this desire lead me to think about a few possibilities

1. "There's no end to the love you can give when you change your point of view" This is the first line of the song "Delilah" by the Dresden Dolls. As I'm sure you will already know if you know me, I LOVE Amanda Palmer and the Dresden Dolls. This would mean so much to me on that level alone. Add to that the fact that philosophically it reflects one of my major beliefs and you are on a winner. Plus I think I will get my Grandmother to write it for me so it can have that extra sentimental value.

2. Runes. I talked about this with my friend Lils ages ago. 2008 actually, that shit of a year. I wanted to get the Futhark to show the circle of life, and that all things have meaning and will lead you to higher things if you allow yourself to believe that possibility. I was thinking of maybe just getting the ones that specifically referred to overcoming trials, but the whole first cycle seemed more appropriate.

3. The eternity symbol. You know, the three swirls heading in the same direction... I have loved this symbol since I first saw it in a carving in an Irish tomb.

And thinking about all this lead me to remember that phase I went through where I believed that all my art should have if not all, at least some writing, because language and words were just as beautiful if not more than abstract forms. I still believe that language and words are beautiful and so very, very important, but I don't believe that they are more so than visual art. I still like the combination of words and images, but I think that they mostly serve different purposes... And blahblahblah I could go on about it but that'd be one massive tangent.

Anyway - the point is, I remembered that I own 3 poetry books by my favourite poets: Judith Wright, Emily Dickinson, Sylvia Plath.

I can't find Emily and Sylvia (although I've a sneaking sensation they are in the boot of my car for some reason...), so I will just reproduce firstly the only poem I have ever remembered in its entirety, and then two of my favourite Judith poems.

I felt a Cleaving in my Mind -
As if my Brain had split -
I tried to match it - Seam by Seam -
But could not make it fit.

The thought behind, I strove to join
Unto the thought before -
But Sequence ravelled out of Sound
Like Balls - upon a Floor.
-Emily Dickinson

The Flame Tree
How to live, I said, as the flame-tree lives?
- to know what the flame-tree knows; to be
prodigal of my life as that wild tree
and wear my passion so?
That lover's know of water and earth and sun,
that easy answer to the question of baffling reason,
branches out of my heart this sudden season.
I know what I would know.

How shall I thank you, who teach me how to wait
in quietness for the hour to ask or give:
to take and in taking bestow, in bestowing live:
in the loss of myself, to find?
This is the flame-tree; look how gloriously
that careless blossomer scatters, and more and more.
What the earth takes of her, it will restore.
These are the thanks of lovers who share one mind.

- Judith Wright.

South of my Days
South of my days' circle, part of my blood's country,
rises that tableland, high delicate outline
of bony slopes wincing under the winter,
low trees blue-leaved and olive, outcropping granite -
clean, lean, hungry country. The creek's leaf-silenced,
willow-chocked, the slope a tangle of medlar and crabapple
branching over and under, blotched with a green lichen;
and the old cottage lurches in for shelter.

O cold the black-frost night. The walls draw in to the warmth
and the old roof cracks its joints; the slung kettle
hisses a leak on the fire. Hardly to be believed that summer
will turn up again some day in a wave of rambler roses,
thrust its hot face in here to tell another yarn -
a story old Dan can spin into a blanket against the winter.
Seventy years of stories he clutches round his bones.
Seventy summers are hived in him like old honey.

Droving that year, Charleville to the Hunter,
nineteen-one it was, and the drought beginning;
sixty head left at the McIntyre, the mud round them
hardened like iron; and the yellow boy died
in the sulky ahead with the gear, but the horse went on,
stopped at the Sandy Camp and waited in the evening.
It was the flies we seen first, swarming like bees.
Came to Hunter, three hundred head of a thousand -
cruel to keep them alive - and the river was dust.

Or mustering up in the Bogongs in the autumn
when the blizzards came early. Brough them down; we brought them
down, what aren't there yet. Or driving for Cobb's on the run
up from Tamworth - Thunderbolt at the top of Hungry Hill,
and I give him a wink. I wouldn't wait long, Fred,
not if I was you; the troopers are jut behind,
coming for that job at the Hillgrove. He went like a luny,
him on his big black horse

Oh, they slide and they vanish
as he shuffles the years like a pack of conjuror's cards.
True or not, it's all the same; and the frost on the roof
cracks like a whip, and the back-log breaks into ash.
Wake, old man. This is winter, and the yarns are over.
No one is listening.

South of my days' circle
I know its dark against the stars, the high lean country
full of old stories that still go walking in my sleep.

- Judith Wright.

The Meaning of Squeals

2010-01-24T15:42:00.000-08:00

This year so far has contained 2 distinct "Eeeeeeeee!" moments. You know, moments that make you squeal uncontrollably due to an explosion of awesome.

1) Finding out the Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman are engaged. And are planning to follow through and actually get married. That's awesome on its own, but imagining the awesomeness at the actual event? My God. Its good that I'm not their IRL friend, because if I were invited I would be a mess of squeals and sobs of happiness/awesome overload.

2) Seeing the new ALLCAPS video (here) ... and at about 3:00 seeing Kristina and Luke kiss. Omg. Lol. I'm such a fan girl... But when I figured out that they'd finally got together I was super excited, so seeing evidence and seeing such happiness made me squeal like a tool. Again, its a good thing I'm not friends with them in real life. They would most likely back away from me as if I were a zombie.

Now all this squealing leads me to the following conclusion: I'm becoming a softy girly girl in my old age. Well, in my 23-years-old-age, which doesn't really count as old age to most, but if you ask my past teenaged self, she would say that if I'm getting mushy I must be old.

I don't really care though. I'm much more comfortable in myself now than I was then. I tried so hard when I was younger, to present a certain image of myself to others that would simultaneously make me look cool, a bit scary and intelligent. This was mostly so that people wouldn't judge me in any way inferior. I guess that's probably because I'm secretly rather judgemental, and I assume everyone else is as well.

Anywho. I don't care that much about what people think of me anymore. I mean, yes I still care a little bit - that's normal and healthy I think. And yes I still try to pull off a certain image to people who I don't know at all, or don't know that well, but nowadays I'm more happy to explore all aspects of my personality, whether they contradict what I'd like to think about myself or not.

Righto. Now I'm just going to get all fangirly about AllCaps again, and watch all their videos because they are awesome.

<3

2010 on the horizon

2009-12-29T14:50:00.000-08:00

The end of 2009 kind of shocks me. I mean, is it really the end of December? Really? Or is it some big joke and its still July or something. I guess it is a bit too warm to be July. 37C today... eew.

I suppose the reason that it doesn't feel like its been a whole year yet is that 2008 was such a huge year for me. So much happened! This year there have been a few things, but it was no 08, that's for sure. And really, that's a relief.

What happened this year? Well... most importantly I got a beautiful nephew. Charlie Jay Schunke is the best person in the world. I love his gummy little grin, his little open mouthed stare and the way he hoons around the living room in his little walker. He does no walking - only racing.

Mum told me that the other day Dad and Charlie were chasing eachother around the counter with Charlie in his walker, and Dad on the computer wheelie chair. How cute!

This year I also got back into painting, and I wrote a novel. A shitty novel to be sure, and something that will never see the light of day. But goddamn it felt good to do it. I wrote 50,000 words in a month! And next year will be better, because - well, it can't get worse! Onward and upward!

Goals for the new year? Well... They come under a few headings I guess.

Money:
I want to continue my savings so that by the end of 2010 I'll have at least $5000 for my trip to America in July 2011 for Leakycon. If I have more - even better! I might be able to travel elsewhere in America, maybe go visit Lils in Canada, or even go over to the UK and visit my heimat.

Me:
I want to be healthier. I know I say it too often, but seriously Amanda! You're 23 now - get a grip! I need to get into some kind of routine of walking more, and eating more healthy foods in smaller portions.

I also need to continue to be creative. I feel so accomplished when I get a painting out, and when I write poetry or stories. The big one in 2010 will be to write a novel in November that isn't as crappy as the last one, and that I can maybe work on to get published one day. But apart from that, I also want to produce at least 6 major paintings.

Us:
I need to keep my relationship with Nannal as honest as possible. I find the times when I get the most disillusioned with our relationship are when I let things happen in my head. I mean, when I have dialogue and play through situations without actually talking to Nannal about it. Reality checks are needed! I know are relationship is not perfect. But I also know I want it to keep going... which will be tough since we've been together for a little over 4 years now. We will celebrate (hopefully) our 5 year anniversary in November 2010.

For 2 people who at the start were afraid of commitment, we're doing pretty well.

Career:
This one is trickier. I want to get a job that will lead somewhere and will employ my mind as much as my physical labour. That is not as easily done as said.

To that end though I will be studying my Graduate Certificate of Criminology and Criminal Justice, so that I will be more qualified to work in a field that both interests me and employs more regularly than plain old anthropology or online anthropology (even rarer me thinks).

And I think that's it! Baby steps really. I need to identify the things that make me happy, and the things that will make me happy to achieve and break them down into doable baby steps. Life is for living, and I really want to feel that I've lived.

Me So Slack

2009-12-13T23:22:00.001-08:00

So... its been a long long time since I blogged. I could blame it on something, but I won't. Instead I will briefly run through the major things that have happened between October and now.

1. I'm older!

Yes I had a birthday. I'm now 23 years old, and starting to feel old. Mainly because at the shops you generally round 23 up to 25 and that means I'm in my mid 20s and that means I'm like the age of most people on TV series, and that means .... I'm no longer a teen-ish young person! Not that I've acted that way for a very long time, but I liked to cling to the "old soul in a young body" thing. Now I'm catching up body wise.... Yeesh - Imagine how I'll feel when I get over the 30 line! Lol.

2. Job interview

I made to the first round of selection for a job in Canberra! I was so excited. All year I have been sporadically applying for jobs - jobs that I've really wanted, and jobs that I've only wanted because I needed the money. And all I seem to get is Dear John letters... "We regret to inform you..." But with this job I got one step further! So even if I don't get a phone call in a couple of weeks, I won't be so sad, because I at least got a bit further with this one.

3. Wedding

On the actual date of my birthday my cousin Samantha got married! It was down in Victor Harbour, which was exciting because it meant we had to drive from the Barossa down there. We decided to take the most direct route, which meant taking the way through the hills. It was.... interesting. Lol. And somewhat scary... But we got there! Nannal got me a laptop for my birthday, so we were able to navigate with confidence ... kinda.

Anyway the wedding was lovely. Even though it was over 36C in the Barossa when we left, it was only 23C in Victor, so the weather was perfect for a wedding. We were in this awesome garden, and it was just all very ideal.

After the ceremony we (by we I mean Nannal, Teeni, Jay, Mum, Dad, Aunty Ce, Uncle Roly, Megan, Emma, Pat and I) went back to the caravan park where we were staying, and Mum pulled out a birthday cake for me. It was very sweet. But it would have looked very odd to any one else - we were all dressed up in our wedding clothes (high heels and all), gathered around a small card table, eating cake off plastic plates. Add to that it gradually got quite cold, and I got a blanket to drape on my cousin Megan ... lol. But I enjoyed it.

The reception was interesting to say the least... It was all the normal stuff... Food, speeches (which stopped us getting food ...grr), wine and dancing. My cousin Peter got really drunk and had a spazz that Grumps "didn't love him" because he is gruff. Seriously... Grumps is the kind of man who will NOT express affection willingly to another male. That's how he was brought up. That's just how he is. Get OVER it. Peter's Dad got over it...

Anyway then the real drama started. My sister and Jay got drunk. Drama happened. Jay got offended and decided to come back to the site, take the swag and drive home. Yes, 4 hours home. He got about 1/2 an hour away before he crashed into someone else and wrote off the car. And he was 3 times over the limit.

But we didn't know this at the time though. I got a call at about 2am from Jay saying his phone was about to die, and that he needed to speak to my sister. He couldn't though because she was passed out... but he told me he'd written the car off.

So the next morning was a bit of sleuthing... Trying to find out where he was. Eventually we found out that he'd got a lift a bit of a way up the road from the station he was processed at to a BP where he caught a taxi all the way to Gepps Cross which cost over $250. Then he walked to Elizabeth shopping centre from there and bought a phone to call us to tell us what was going on. MENTAL!

4. NaNoWriMo

I did NaNoWriMo 09! And I freaking won! That's right bitches, I wrote a novel. I mean, its a shit novel, but its a novel nonetheless. And the point isn't to write something that is publishable straight away, but to just actually write 50,000 words in one month. It taught me what works for me in writing, and what doesnt'. It taught me what I like to write, and what I don't. And it taught me that I can actually write a lot of words if I need to. It was a wonderful experience. I already know I won't do anything with the story I wrote, but I learnt a lot for next year. Hopefully I can put a lot more planning into next years event and come out with something that I can use as a foundation to becoming published one day.

5. Lots of working

And finally - its Christmas! Which means people buy a shit load of chocolate... which means I'm going to be working pretty much non stop til December 25. But that's ok! Cos I need the money!

I am going to a) Pay off my credit card; b) Have at least $5000 to go to America in 2011; and c) Save to invest after 2011.

That's why!

Anyway, after a break as long as I had from blogging, this has exhausted my brain!

I'm going to go and make dinner!

x

2009-10-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was shocking. Absolutely horrible. Why? Well... on Saturday night I went to a friend's 21st. We got there late, and left (relatively) early... yet somehow I managed to drink 1 bottle of wine on my own, plus a glass of moscato. Hm.

When we got home, I fell into bed and then I remember moaning that I might need a bucket. Thankfully I didn't need it... until the next morning. My god - The whole of yesterday was spent trying to ignore the fact that I had absolutely nothing left in my stomach yet I really really felt that I was going to be sick again. 6 seperate occasions - each with at least 5 head-in-bucket moments.

I thought I might feel better if I rehydrated - but alas, my stomach did not agree, and up it came. Delightful isn't it?

Finally at about 7pm which was actually 8pm due to day light saving... I had some food. And it stayed down. I felt like I was going to vomit again... but didn't.

Then I watched Midsomer Murders, Compass, and a documentary on a violinist called Yehudi Menuin. These shows were actually all very good and served to improve the day as much as it could have been.

Then I went to bed.
End of terrible day, with a not so terrible ending.

Today I watched a video by Tom Milsom ... I think that everyone should watch it. It is very good. He is very articulate. (And quite a bit cute too). If you ever feel you want some cute/awesome music, he's good at that too.

Anyway. I'm going to attempt to make this day more productive and less vomit-y. I lost 1.5 kgs yesterday... better make up for it!

This blog comes in 3 parts

2009-09-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

1. Dr. Who

I have decided to jump on the bandwagon and finally watch the new series of Dr. Who. And it's awesome. I have been trying to trick Nannal in to buying them for me for ages, but he's lazy. So... well, itunes and illaglity are for me. I feel bad about the illegality bit, but hey - I don't get BBC or ABC so back off!

Anyway, I'm up to the 3rd season with Martha. I predict that by tomorrow, I will be up to date... which really tells you alot about my life at present...

2. Curtains

As mentioned (or gushed about, either way) in the last blog, I have NEW curtains. They are simply marvelous. I will find a picture and upload them. Sadly, we didn't have enough curtain tape to go the whole way so I presently have 3/4 of the curtains (i.e., one window has just one curtain, while the other has 2...). But it makes no difference! The floral is gone... GONE! (With the exception of the couches which are covered in the same material... but I have plans for them too... evil material must GO!)

See? Awesome plain old white. ^.^

3. Book challenges and teenagers

I have read 2 seperate blogs lately about book challenges in America. Both blogs were written by wonderful authors who I love and follow (through blogs, videos etc.) but are (as far as I know) unrelated in any way. However apparently the book challenge and ban issue has arisen again. The main argument that I have heard (from the sane side) is that parents who believe that their child should not be reading a certain book due to sexually explicit content (the major reason) or any other reason, have every right to prevent their child from reading it. But that is as far as it should go. Their child. Librarians are not just people who catalogue books, say "Sssh", or know where to put piles of books in shelves. Oh no! They know about books. They read books. And they know what is and is not appropriate for libraries.

Despite some sensationalist claims, a librarian will not put pornography on a shelf for teenagers. What they do, is chose books that may have sexual content for their broader themes. As teenagers in general are becoming aware of the sexual side of life, and are curious as to how it all fits together, so books that they read reflect this. If we were deprived of all reference to sexuality in books, we would be in the dark and thus more likely to go down the wrong path.

Some people think that just because we are exposed to something means that we are going to do it. Regardless of the context. My main example is "Looking for Alaska" by John Green (who is one of the authors who writes about this due to this book being challenged). Alaska is being challenged because it contains a scene that describes oral sex. Parents believe this is explicit, and in some cases refer to it as pornography. Green argues that in context the scene serves to portray casual sexual encounters in a wholly negative light. The scene is awkward and unsexy. It is also immediately followed by a genuine non-sexual interaction, which highlights the awkwardness and unsexiness of the oral sex scene. Authors do this all the time. Especially in teen novels.

I think this is because we remember our own first sexual encounters. We didn't know what to do. We didn't know where sex fits into a normal and healthy relationship. So we just ... gave it a go. With generally awkward results. I believe that if kids were to read Alaska, or any other novel like this, rather than being tempted to give awkward oral sex a go, they would be tempted to give genuine relationships a go.

Why? Because most kids are not dumb. Just like most adults are not dumb. Funny that, given that kids are just adults who haven't got out of school yet.* So if you think that teens are as easily led as sheep, then you are assuming that people in general are that too. If you think that kids aren't able to read critically, then perhaps you are assuming that you can't read critically. Can you pick up on the context and discern whether or not it is encouraging? I sure can. I don't watch a movie where drugs are being taken and illnesses caught, and no life lived and think "OH WOW! That looks like awesome fun!"

I don't watch crime shows or murder movies and think "Oh my. That looks so easy. Murder and crime are the way to go. They will serve all my problems."

I think that we are, and mostly always have been, pretty good at picking these things up. You know, since you first learnt the difference between "fiction" or "non-fiction". Since you first learnt right from wrong. And since you first learnt that you don't know everything, and you need to have peek into other people's lives (real or imagined) to better know the world around you.

Librarians know this. I think librarians are probably the most intelligent people... especially in high schools. Just like John Green goes on about all the time: you can't imagine a single person, or a group of people in an un-complex manner. "Teens are easily led" is as untrue a statement as "Cats are black". Sure, some teens may be easily led, and some cats may be black, but parents need to have faith in and understanding of their children, so that the decisions they make are the best for their child. No knee jerk reactions please. I don't want one mother, whose child is allegedly dumb, to decide what is right for all children. Lord knows that if I wasn't allowed to read the books that I read, I would have gone mad. I needed to see the world through books. I needed to comprehend human relationships outside of my little box in a country town, in a christian school. And the understanding that I came to as a result of my fictional explorations made me into the person I am today: the adult.

*I know there is quite a bit of difference between 15 year olds and 35 year olds, but when you really remember who you were at 15, was it that different to who you are now? Sure, you might have been less mature, more confident, more sure that you knew everything (on the surface at least) - but are you that different? No. Teens aren't a different species, no matter how far we try to distance ourselves from our teenage past.

Right. End of rant.

I had better go and watch Doctor Who: Season 3, Episode 7 "42".

xx

Working working working...

2009-09-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I worked at the Adelaide Arcade store from 8.30am to 5pm. Crazy shit for me! I'm used to little 5 hour shifts... And what's more, at Vic. Square, we have one little spiral stair case that you really only need to go up twice a shift. At Adelaide Arcade they have like 60 stairs that you go up to various levels multiple times... My legs! My calfs! eeeee! Ah its painfully obvious how unfit I am...

In other news, my Mum and my Sister (possibly) are coming over tomorrow to help me with putting the curtains in the curtain rods. I'm super excited! Yes, it sounds lame, but when you've been living with curtains that are SO floral and dark and blegh, the prospect of new WHITE curtains fills your heart with joy! The house will not have to be spotless to suggest a feeling of clean! Yay! That's the best kind of curtain.

That's them! The icky curtains! Taken when Nannal and i were on the way to a 20's party. Zoot suit!

Oh and in "Read 50 books in a year challenge" news, I am now onto Johnathan Kellerman's Twisted. Its very good so far. I wasn't sure it was going to draw me in when I started it, but lo and behold, the characters are making it interesting, if not the case yet (its crime).

Hmm... I think that is all I have to say. Sad isn't it?

Ooooh well.

Maybe next time I'll read a controversial news story and offer my opinion. Maybe I'll have read something other than fiction. You never know.

xx

The News... IN PICTURES!

2009-09-07T01:28:00.000-07:00

An account of today in photos.

Taking pictures in the over exposure of mid-day. In between the pouring rain of course. Today was strange that way.

Showing off my new witches hat with my favourite Harry Potter book. Well, its a toss up between HBP and PS. ^.^

Me caught in a very pretty spider web! Oh noes! ... Yes, I love PhotoBooth.
Sun set over the vineyards and trees out the back of our place. I like clouds.... I can't help it.
From the opposite direction: the actual sun. Lovely isn't it?

Oh and here is a picture of the sunrise I took the other morning. ^.^

Totally missed August

2009-09-06T01:10:00.000-07:00

So I did not blog at all last month. I suck. Never mind. It isn't as though anyone reads it, and I think I do it more to reassure myself that I can write more than just status updates these days.

Anyway, I actually do not have that much to write about at present. So I think I will use this space to outline a bit of a goal for myself. I think it is fair to say that I feel pretty directionless at the moment. Rather than being depressed about it though, I actually feel kind of free. I had wanted to go straight back into Anthropology next year and do a PhD., but now I'm not so sure, and the realisation that I might not do that has kind of opened a whole realm of possibility up for me mentally.

I think my most likely course of action will be to study a post-graduate diploma in criminology. It would be a very interesting topic for me, and one that could open up a lot of career opportunities. I would probably have to do it through the Open university, or I would have to move to Melbourne. I'm not fussed either way to be honest. I could continue working at Haigh's quite happily if I was studying again.

If I moved to Melbourne I might still work for Haigh's, considering they've 5 stores over there as well.

Another option that my Dad actually suggested, was to apply for a position in Canberra with one of a few government branches. That way I'd have a challenging job, live in a new place, and, should I want to continue study later on, the department might help me to do that.

So that's exciting! Of course I would love to continue my life as it is now, if I were satisfied with that, but I know I will get despondant again, and I need some goals and directions. All through our childhoods we are brought up with the idea of progress and of attaining higher levels, and so living a year with no goal other than to "have a year off" has been kind of odd. But not unenjoyable!

Hm... I think I'm off to go and look into the Open university for a bit...

xoxo

2009-07-21T16:13:00.000-07:00

Kristina Horner, a youtube and wrock celebrity, recently wrote a blog that I found really interesting. Actually, I find most of her blogs really interesting because she is just such a normal person who leads a life that I am occasionally quite jealous of. But anyway, but to the blog - she was discussing the way that she is viewed as a youtube celebrity, and how the fact that she has loads of subscribers and makes videos about her life makes viewers believe that they have the right to comment on her life.

She sums it up well - if she asked what we think, or asked for advice, then we would be entitled to answer and give opinions. But in videos when she is just talking about her tour, or her car, or skymall products, comments about her relationship are uncalled for.

The idea of celebrity is a big mess anyway, in my opinion. But when you apply it to YouTube celebrity, it gets wierder. On YouTube, subscribers get to feel that they know the youtuber, especially if many of their videos fit into the 'vlog' category. I blogged about this before, but this leads to the feeling of a one way relationship that feels more like friendship than fandom. This alone makes the experience of both being a YouTube celeb AND a 'fan'/viewer/subscriber inherently different. Add to this the freedom of any viewer (whether regular or not) to comment on videos without restriction (well, unless it is spam or ridiculously explicit) leads to a space that enables the free performance of both "fandom" and hating.

Think about it - in real life, if you were speaking about something, or performing something, not everyone would come up to you and say "Wow that was great" - only a small percentage of brave people would. Even fewer would come up and say "Oh man, that was horrible" and I doubt anyone would say "Hey you know your boyfriend is like a foot shorter than you? Your relationship is therefore doomed". If they did I am sure they would get a very alarmed look and people would slowly back away from them...

On YouTube however, many more viewers feel inclined to comment because it is a free space. No one (virtually) is going to come up to you in real life and say "You are out of line!". Any resulting confrontation is confined to the computer which you can walk away from. But does that free space entitle us as viewers to use that freedom to comment on anything?

Kristina argues that it doesn't. And I would be inclined to agree. It comes down to respect really. Respect for a person's life with the understanding that just because they are opening their lives up in some small way or performance, does not mean they are now an open and free book for all to comment, scrutinise and change. Of course, in an ideal world we would all understand that and be as respectful to YouTubers as we are to our friends. Naturally, this world is not ideal and I think we will be hard pressed to stop people from feeling they have the liberty to comment on every aspect of someone who they have a relatively small understanding of personally.

The solution? No idea! But with Kristina I believe she is pretty well protected. Her subscribers are pretty loyal, and we tend to shout down (or thumbs down) overly rude or disrespectful comments rather rapidly...

Kristina's channel and blog.

Boyfriend Blabber

2009-07-13T18:22:00.001-07:00

WARNING: This post is not very interesting. I just feel like talking about my boyfriend... so... yeh!

Right. Well firstly, my boyfriend is lovely. He is hilarious, sweet, and affectionate. Plus he's incredibly good looking if you ask me, which doesn't hurt either. I know sometimes I let myself get overly dramatic and think that it isn't going to work out. And sometimes I realise that, you know - this is my first proper relationship! What are the chances of it working out? Which leads to freak out blogs and people worrying that things aren't all as chipper as they might seem.

The fact of the matter is though, I think that things as they are, it will work out. And sure, I might occasionally yearn for a passionate affair with someone who is completely not like Nannal but I really don't believe that comes from a place of unhappiness. That is more likely the old "The Grass is Always Greener" truth.

Nannal makes me laugh. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel loved.

If this was even 50 years ago, the chances are that we'd be married now... But it isn't 50 years ago, and it isn't expected that we'll do it, so we won't. And I am actually ok with that. Sometimes I look at other people's weddings and I really do understand why people do it. And sometimes I think about what I would want for myself. But I am perfectly happy to save myself the trouble, and keep us as "basically married" rather than "actually married" lol. I never used to want to get married. I though it was an outdated convention that really had no place in a modern relationship... lol. But I guess my perspective has shifted and I have more respect for these things. So if Nannal suddenly got it into his head that it would be an awesome idea... I'd probably do it. Freaking out all the way, naturally...

That's the long and short of it. I guess what I need to do, is print off all this ... and everything that reminds me of why I love him, and stick it somewhere so when we have a fight, or when I feel all doom and gloom, I can read it and snap out of it. Because he is worth it. We are worth it.

Ok. Enough blabber. Its time for some coffee!

Non-cyst-based-news

2009-07-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

In other less gross news...

Last night while trying to get to sleep, I stumbled across a show on ABC that showed that battle of the native Aboriginal people of the Yorke Peninsula to preserve their sacred ground from development. It was a very emotional program actually.

You see, all along the coast line there are areas where Aboriginal people lived and died. Thus there are many areas where they were buried. Just like a white cemetery, this ground is special and sacred to them. And it should be special and sacred to us too, because this is our land as well now. But developers don't seem to be able to fit their plans around the local people.

In one case, crushed bones were found where a development had gone ahead despite the claim of local Aboriginal people that the land was a sacred site. There was a water hole, which typically means that there will be burials around the area (any where that people gathered on a regular basis is bound to be a place where people will also die). And despite the claim that the area was significant, and an archeologist's claim that it was also archeologically significant, the develpment went ahead. Lo and behold - human bone fragments were discovered.

Its just shocking. For the Aboriginal people, there is such a connection between the land and the human. Dream time stories illustrate this with the easy shift between humans and animals into landscape. When an Aboriginal person dies, and they are buried, they do not disappear. They are returned to the land that they came from. That spot, that land is sacred. It is the person, just as the person is the land. Life and land are sacred because they are the same thing.

So imagine what it would feel like to watch that land where your ancestors have been buried, being torn up. Being dug up. Being disturbed, changed, desecrated. It was hard for me to watch, and I can't even fully understand what they must be feeling.

So I changed my mind. One of the first things I would do with $90 million would be to buy sacred land and make it protected. To make it a park or something that belongs to the local people.

All sacred sites should be heritage listed. Why aren't they? I mean, if you can heritage list a building that was built 150 years ago by someone who arrived here on a boat, surely you can heritage list something that was made thousands of years ago by generations of people who were born and died in this country, for this country, with this country.

I don't want to go on about it, but it strikes me as something that is incredibly important, but is overlooked by virtually everybody. The cultural landscape of the aboriginal people is hard enough to define as it is. It is hard to preserve. But how can you maintain it even ideologically without the land that is integral to it? That inspires it? How? What is important to one person should be respected by another. That's as simple as I can put it... And how can we keep denying that?

Oh that old Thyroglossal Cyst...

2009-07-06T20:09:00.000-07:00

Today I discovered that the lump that magically appeared on my neck yesterday morning is called a "Thyroglossal cyst" (please note that I would not have remembered this if it had not been for the wonders of wikipedia...). It is a cyst that grows along the membrane that connects the tongue to the thyroid. Apparently there are ducts there and sometimes they get all cysty - as many other parts of the human body do too...

The wierd thing about this though, is that it is a lump under my chin, on my neck, that makes me look a little like I'm a frog, or that I've suddenly developed another chin... or more accurately, that I am growing a golf ball from my neck.

Yes it looks wierd... but that is not all. You see, since it is connected to my tongue, whenever I move my tongue, it hurts. "But how often do you really move your tongue Amanda?" Well, kind non-existant-questioner, the answer is - A LOT.

You move your tongue to swallow, to eat, to drink, to talk, to cough. To absent mindedly lick your lips (which becomes less absent minded when you think "OW!").

Naturally, what with this lump being in my neck, it also hurts when I let my head fall forward. As it turns out, I do that a lot when I'm trying to sleep ... which means that it is a lot harder to fall asleep...

Oh man... what an odd malady.

But don't worry it should go away within 4-6weeks...

BUGGER!

90 Million Dollars

2009-07-04T04:08:00.000-07:00

Oh my. Every week huh Amanda? Try once a month you slackarse. :-P

Anyway. Lately everyone has been discussing what they would have done if they had been lucky enough to win the $90 million OZLotto that went off last Tuesday... so I thought I would share my thoughts.

First off - GET RID OF DEBT! That's my first goal whether I win money or not. I have debt and I don't like it. So the first thing would be to pay off my credit card, my car loan, and my HECS.

Next thing: a permanent investment. Buy a house to live in. That is also in the cards for ordinary savings... but I think if I had a ridiculous amount of money to spend, the house I envision would be just a tad different. Still, I don't think it would be palatial or anything. Just roomy, and really, really well constructed and designed.

On top of that I would buy a house for Nannal (just so we're even), and two investment properties to rent out. Then a house for my sister, pay off my parent's mortgage, Nannal's parent's mortgage, and buy them both a holiday house wherever they want. My nephew would probably also get a house, but I imagine it would be an investment property.

Speaking of Charlie, I would put aside a fair bit of money for him too. Say, $1,000,000? Why not - he's my nephew!

Oh and my friends would naturally all get huge amounts of money.

I was thinking I could probably pay for all of my friends to come with me to some exotic location for a week or so. We could have the most exciting cocktails, get facials all day and do whatever the hell it is rich people do on holiday.

But all that would probably make me feel a little guilty. And having that much money is a bit ridiculous so I would give some to charity. Which charities? Well, that's the question. There are SO many of them! But off the top of my head, probably Childfund, World Vision, Red Cross, Amnesty International, The Wilderness Society, The Cancer Council ... a charity to do with disabled children ... downs syndrome... all things that are close to my heart and are underfunded by Governments.

The funny thing is, even doing all that, you would probably have so much money left over!

Lets see:
My debt (and this is mainly uni so don't judge me): $33,000
My House: $800,000
Nannal's house: $600,000 (can't be as good as mine :P)
Investment properties: $800,000
Teeni's house: $400,000 (given she lives up north, that's practically a mansion)
Charlies house: $400,000 (one in the city)
Parent's mortgages: $100,000
Holiday houses: $1,200,000
Charlie's money: $1,000,000
Friends (20 of them ish): $10,000,000
Trip to Hawaii or something with 15 people: $1,500,000
Charity: $9,000,000

What's that? Like less than $26,000,000!!

Oh I'd make scholarships, and regular donations to this that and the other. I'd probably invest in shares. I'd probably try and fix up some old family heritage houses. I'd go around the world - comprehensively!

I'd build a school.
I'd build the best goddam orphanage any kid has ever seen in Romania because that shit is just not on.

And still I'd have millions left over. Its enough to make you cry at the absurdity of it.

Community Online

2009-06-17T17:14:00.001-07:00

Slack slack slack I have been. But really, when all you do all day is a variation on surfing the web, trying to find a job, cleaning, cooking (watching too much masterchef) and watching TV/DVDs, what is there to blog about?

I guess with my increased viewing of the News I could comment on the big stories, like the Iranian elections, the Air France disaster, and the horrible things happening in many parts of the world, but really, I don't think what I have to offer could contribute very much since my understanding of the situation is based mostly on snippets seen on biased news stations.

However, I have made a decision. I will blog at least once a week. I will even try to blog about something interesting. I know... bold move.

So for the first attempt at something interesting, here is my take on:

Community Online

This is a topic I could talk your ear off about. It is a major point in studying the Internet from an Anthropological perspective, as well as generally interesting for any one who regularly uses the web.

For me I find the concept of community online at once both attractive and confusing. When you are part of an online community, there is no doubt that there really is a sense of community. However when you are not part of an online community there is a sense of disbelief that such a sense could occur.

For example, I was part of an online community of viewers/participants in the LonelyGirl15 phenomenon. I actually came to it fairly late, but was around for the last 2 seasons. In watching regularly, and being an active part of the forums, it was easy to identify myself as part of the community. We solved problems together, we knew eachother's names. We knew eachother's quirks and biases. However it took intensive involvement to feel like a real part of this community of fans.

On the other hand, nowadays twitter is becoming massive. A lot of people talk about the ways that twitter is interactive and social, but for me, as someone who follows many people, but only has advertisers following me (I guess they think that I will be so grateful that someone cares that I'll buy their product...), twitter is more like television, or news headlines. I am updated constantly on what people are doing. I can reply to what people are doing, but I never hear anything back. It is entirely one way for me. It isn't that way for everyone though... for example several of the people I follow are friends (online and off) who tweet, retweet and reply to eachother. They sometimes have entire conversations via twitter. But for someone who is really only following because I am a fan of these people and the creative work, I am not really a part of the community.

The begs the question - what is community?

Oh and what a question. Anthropology has tried to answer this question so many times, and before the internet community usually suggested vague links to do with common interest, and common geography. For example I live in the Barossa Valley and people talk frequently about the community here.

With those vague guidelines I guess community online makes sense. Common interest is obvious - you can be part of a community on YouTube that vlogs about certain things, or a group online in favour of something, part of a fandom etc. Common geography in a less traditional sense makes sense as well. While we are definately not all in the same physical location, we generally converge on particular sites. For example there are You Tube communities, LonelyGirl15.com, Harry Potter fans at leaky-cauldron.org, or mugglenet.com. Groups of people with common interests often form their own sites with forums that they can interact on and discuss the topic or topics that bind them.

But with online communities, more so (I think) than offline communities, there is a heavier emphasis on participation. While I am part of the Barossa community, I don't really do anything. I shop in the Barossa and I live here, but I don't participate in community events really. Whereas online I would not count myself as part of a community unless I was involved. I would have to at least join the site, at least read some forums or articles etc., in order to feel that I was part of a community, and in order for others to feel that I was too.

I guess with online communities that emphasis on participation is needed because unless you participate, no one actually knows you exist. In the Barossa community I am counted in because I live in the Barossa. I have an address in the Barossa and people (if they look hard enough) know where I am. Online if I just lurk, so to speak, no one knows I exist, and I can't be a part of a community if I effectively don't exist to the other members.

So I guess that is the sticking point... Interaction. Involvement. Interest. Ooooh. Three I's... isn't that convenient?

More analysis would be easier if I actually made an effort to research the specific ways that people define community in anthropological texts and elsewhere, but I feel that most people don't go on definitions that theorists have made over the last 100 years. Most people do what I do, and define them based on their experiences. "When is the word community most used in the context of my life?" is a more useful question than "What does the Oxford Student's Dictionary (now with colour!) say about community?" or "What did that man 40 years ago say about community?".

Aaaanyway. That went on for a lot longer than I planned. But at least I can say I've done something this morning. ^.^

xo

Le Sigh

2009-05-28T01:25:00.000-07:00

My last blog was depressing wasn't it? Seriously... but I should follow up before I let a whole month pass. I was in a bad frame of mind. My expectations had been meddled with watching too many romantic video clips, and too many music videos. Yeh ... add to that the fact that I was alone and coming down with something... it made for a pretty sad and melodramatic Manda.

Things with me and Nannal are good. I still get annoyed at him when he says "I don't know" all the time when I want to have a conversation. I still think that our expectations do not line up frequently but the bottom line is this: he makes me happy. I make him happy. I love him and he loves me. Cheesy but true.

So that's what I'm happy with right now. I really do need him, and that is enough for now.

I don't know.

2009-05-11T06:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging lately. I wasn't really sure why, but I realised that it was because I have something real to blog about. And I'm afraid to write about it. I'm afraid of the conclusions that I'll reach. I'm afraid of questions that I desperately don't want to ask. I don't care if no one reads this. I don't care if everyone reads this, although I would be embarassed if everyone I knew read it ...

I'm procrastinating.

Lately I have been really worried about my relationship. I've been with Nathaniel for almost 3 and a half years now. Its been great. Its been shit at times but mostly its been shit.

The thing that people need to know is that when we first got together we were both like "NO COMMITMENT" and now we've accidentally got into a long term committed relationship. Although Nannal is terrified of marriage... What's that Amanda? Aren't you terrified of it too?

Actually, now - no I'm not. On a lot of levels it makes no sense. Its a government thing. Its a religion thing. But on a personal level, telling everyone that you love and care about that you love this person and want to be with no one else, is a touching thing. Yes its cheesy. Yes its overdone. Yes a lot of people do it for the wrong reasons with the wrong expectations...

But that doesn't mean its flat out wrong. And it doesn't mean that I don't want it.
I was never this girl. I was never the one to say that I want these things. But if I am totally honest with myself, I want it. I want someone to say "I love you" in front of everyone and not have to qualify it, or follow it up with a joke. I want someone to legitimately want to spend their life with me, and not wonder about what else is out there seriously.

But Nathaniel doesn't want that. I know that, and have been aware since day one. Unlike me, he hasn't changed his mind. In fact, we've spoken about these things and he's told me point blank that he doesn't think this can last. He wants to be with other people. And I guess I kind of bury my head in the sand.

I love him.
I really, really love him. So this is incredibly hard to think about.

But do I really want to stay with someone who doesn't think that I am worth it? Do I really want to stay with someone who, by his own admission, will one day break up with me or at least be unfaithful?

I don't know. And that is the answer that bothers me most. It is not as easy as a "no". And it is not as easy as a "yes". Either answer does not sit, because I don't know. If someone said this to me though, and I was the outsider, the answer "I don't know" would probably mean more no than yes...

What the fuck do I want then?
Practicality dictates my life. What would it mean if it was all to go to hell? I would have to move out. But where to? I don't have any money to do that. I don't have a job. The best I could do would be to move home. To my old room. And that would kill me. Back to Saddleworth, to my teenage bedroom...

And what did 3 1/2 years mean then? If its all for nothing... If he doesn't love me quite enough... What have I given up for him? What have I become for him?

I don't know.

I guess that sums everything up doesn't it? I just ... I just don't know.

In an ideal world I would tell him all this. And we would cry and he would tell me what he thinks. And then he would tell me all the things I really long to hear. No, not "Will you marry me and be with me forever?" Not that. He would tell me what I mean to him. He would tell me why this is hard for him as well. I want passion and painful love that is so hard to talk about. I want that feeling that people write songs about.

But all I can imagine him saying is "I don't know".

And I would break.

But this is all speculation. This is all ... this is all Amanda. I'm just sitting here alone. He is 50 minutes drive away. Probably fast asleep.

Is this just one of my famous moods? Is this just because we've been together for 3 1/2 years and things have changed. Our relationship has changed. And I really crave that falling feeling, that passion when its been replaced with comfort and steady love. Is this just because we have been together so long that we both have changed and we need to reevaluate what we want from eachother?

Or is it more. Is it because our relationship has changed for the worse? Are we fizzling out after all this time? Has he fallen out of love with me? Are my expectations just too much...

I have to laugh ... because of course the inevitable answer is "I don't know". It comes down to that doesn't it? And what do I do when I don't know something? I find out... So ... Inevitably I will have to bring out that doozy of a cliche - "We have to talk".

House Sitting Fun Times

2009-05-06T22:41:00.000-07:00

I am presently house sitting in Saddleworth!

It is ... well it is kind of fun, but I am struggling with what to do with myself. I have been reading a lot but it isn't very productive.

I like looking after the cats. And seeing Teeni and Charlie so frequently is awesome. But it would be nice if I could combine this things with my boyfriend.... I miss having him here. He is a major major part of my life and I feel kind of useless without him there. Well, not useless exactly. But he does give me purpose. :-) Not in an antifeminist kind of way either ... its just nice to know there is someone to talk to. Someone to comfort. Someone to interact with.

Here I interact with virtual peoples and little peoples and occassionally my sister too... but not that often.

Oh well. Perhaps this is like a mini retreat...

Off to be ... all retreaty I guess.

Online "friends" ...

2009-04-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've blogged about this before...

Nonetheless!

Online "friendships".

I was thinking the other day that it is a very strange phenomenon that occurs between a "fan" of someone online and that person. For example, I was trying to tell my mother about Kristina Horner from youtube/the parselmouths/italktosnakes blog, and I found myself wanting to say "my friend Kristina". Although that is not strictly true.

She actually only vaguely knows of my existence. And mostly that knowledge just places me as an anonymous number in her "subscribers" or "listeners" or "readers". But if this were offline, I am fairly sure that anyone who paid this much attention to what she had to say, and appreciated her creative outlets as much as I do (and the rest of the subscribers... I'm not the only one!), would probably be classed as a friend.

But because it is online its different. It is like a one-way friendship. I would kind of like to have a conversation with her - and anyone else that I watch/read - but I know it would be wierd because I would be at an advantage. I already know a lot about her and her life. But she would know practically nothing about me and my life. So it would be awkward probably. Or maybe I'm too selfconscious about that fact?

I think it would be similar to meeting a celebrity for the first time. Like I would really love to meet and talk to Amanda Palmer. She is my favourite artist of all time. I love her music. I love her blog. And I really admire her commitment to both music and creativity in general. She is a wonderful person. Yet if I were given the opportunity to sit down with her backstage I would feel really uncomfortable blurting out all these things because she does not know me! Sure I could think of some interesting questions to ask her and start a conversation but it is still wierd because she is the one that I know all about, and I am just fan number xy.

Anyways... Just thought I'd blog that. Its a thought that has been running around in my head for a while. :-)

Results, Insecurites, Complexities and Money

2009-04-21T18:42:00.000-07:00

So far my plan to be more productive is creeping along ok. It would be good if I had some more palpable results, you know, like *poof!* I have $200,000 in my savings, a spotlessly clean and well set out house and 2 published books (one fiction, one non-fiction). Alas, I guess the whole point of this is so that this will eventually happen. Things, unfortunately, take time, effort and luck.

The equation probably goes TIME/EFFORT = (result x (LUCKx130000456) or something. But I think I need to remember that it isn't the results that I actually want. Its the feelings around the results. I want to feel productive. I want to feel like I'm doing something worthwhile, that I'm fulfilling some kind of purpose. And, naturally, I want to feel important. Not that I would say that out loud to anyone. Not that anyone, I think, would admit that to anyone, but its true. I want to feel that what I have done, or what I am doing is important ... and that feeling probably drives me more than anything else.

If you really think about it, I guess it comes from that old insecurity. "What do they think of me?". It isn't so much about myself, but what other people think of myself. And when I think that they think that I'm worth something then I will be worth ... something.

Of course that's bullshit. I know that. I intellectually know that. But that doesn't help me in my everyday experience so much. Its a feeling that is so deeply ingrained that even though I would counsel the same thing to anyone with the same surity that I would assure them of gravitational pull, I can't escape it myself.

Its like what John Green says so frequently. We know that other people out there are the same as us and we know that they are as complex and individual as we are, but we can't help but not imagine them with any complexity. At least, not with the same complexity that we regard ourselves. That's because we are trapped in these bodies, we cannot possibly know what it is like to be anything or anyone other than ourselves. We could imagine it sure, but we would not come close. Like when you are in great pain and someone says "I know what you're feeling" or something like that, and you could cry out and say something selfish like "How can you possibly know what I'm feeling!" because how could they? This pain is yours and no one has ever felt that before.

By the same token, how do we know that the pain we feel is unique. How do we know they don't know how we feel? That's right. We are selfish.

My boyfriend tried to tell me the other day that we, as a race, are not capable of true empathy because of this fact. He peppered his explanation with talk of survival as well. We have to look out for ourselves etc. But I countered that yes, while it is virtually impossible to be truly empathetic with someone, to truly know how they feel, it is not impossible to feel empathy at all.

I think that I am an empathetic person. When someone comes to me in pain, I try to feel their pain too. Of course that comes with my instinct born of being an older sister, to protect that person and to fix it for them. If that fails though I just have to be there for them.

Then again that flies out the window when I'm driving in the city and someone cuts me off, or is driving 15kms below the speed limit. The person in front of me is not a complex human being who is flawed but ultimately good, rather they are an IDIOT who can't drive and obviously has no regard for anyone else, or (more likely, I think in the heat of the moment) great disdain for me personally. How amusing is that? Although I fuck up on the road with frequency (I'm sure) I don't regard myself as a horrible driver, do I? So why should this person be an idiot when I've only been shown one example of their whole driving career? It really makes you think. Or, it really makes you laugh. Either way...

Anyway. Despite all this I would really like to be given everything that I want right now. Or, if I have to be picky, the money to get me started. With $200,000 I could buy some land, go over seas, fix my car and be the best aunt ever and set Charlie up with a trust fund. Unfortunately ... this will have to stay in the dream basket for now.

Still... it is a good dream ... make everyone happy, have a solid financial investment (literally solid), be flying to London to Dublin to Seattle to Boston... all that good stuff. *Le sigh*

Better get back to reality. I have a story arc to figure out.
xo

Manifesto-ish

2009-04-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

Inspired by nerimon/Alex, I have decided that my life needs to be more productive. In his last few blogs, Alex has been talking about purging his life and gearing his actions towards outcomes. He has deleted many of his subscriptions on YouTube (down to 8 I believe!), got rid of the RSS feeds he doesn't care about on Google reader, deleted his facebook and twitter accounts and that's just the online stuff!

I have decided to take his lead. I have been kind of trying to do this kind of thing all year, but I keep starting and stopping. So lets see if this sticks...

To keep myself on track I have written down a few short goals that I want to shape my day to day life with.

Job and Financial Security - at the moment this means job seeking and working on the budget.
Peace and Comfort - right now this means DECLUTTERING and CLEANING, although this could also mean meditating or showering etc.
Creativity and Personal Expression - this is one I have been neglecting quite a bit. I want to start writing creatively and drawing, but it also counts as blogging because that's personal expression, often in its most literal form...
Knowledge - I want to try and read at least one article a day. Or research something ... Or look into Universities and their PhD programs. I can't forget that this is the direction that I want my life to head. If I could combine this with the first point, and get a job in the area ... even better! Birds with stones and all that.

I've also written this in big letters "SPEND 80% of YOUR TIME WORKING TOWARDS THESE GOALS!" because Alex pointed out that usually 80% of our outcomes are achieved during 20% of our day. I want to turn that around so that I am productive not just for 20%. Also if only 20% of my day yields results, and often I am not doing anything at all productive during most of the day, then those 80% results we are talking about are not that significant. However if I spend more time doing things that are geared towards my goals, then I can change that. The results will be greater.

Then I've just got a little list of goals/ideas that fit under the headings so that I don't spend precious time trying to figure out what to do... because that will inevitably lead me to spend hours in front of World of Warcraft or playing Bejeweled on facebook.

Oh and no, I can't bring myself to delete facebook although it would be an excellent idea to cut down on the number of times I check the damn thing. Perhaps by limiting it to maybe 3 a day? Then down to 2? Who knows maybe one day I will spend a whole day without needing to check it (and not one of those days when it is infeasible to check it... a day at home so no cheating!). But I'm not there yet.

So there it is. My new productivity plan.

I realise that I frequently (ish) blog about my goals and my plans and how I need to get into gear. But that is because I am very good at not following through. I have fabulous intentions but then get waylaid. I find more fun things to do etc. But what I need to realise is that when I look back at this year I don't want to be ashamed of all the time I could have spent doing other things!

Its not like I am going to quit doing fun stuff all together. I have a vague idea that if I spend at least 4-6 hours a day in this mode I'll be on the right track and then I can veg out, or go for a walk or something. Plus, a few of the things on my list are actually things that I enjoy doing, and wouldn't feel like that much of a strain so that will help.

But now the test - how long will it take me to get waylaid? And will I use the fact that I got waylaid to give up altogether? Hm... We shall see!

Wish me luck!

Vintage Recap with bonus Lazy report

2009-04-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

The vintage festival I mentioned in my last blog wasn't actually all that bad. Most of the time we sat in front of Nannal's grandparents' place on the main street, sipping booze in the shade and snacking on biscuits and mettwurst (mm... mettwurst). The parade itself was interesting and strange. There was one float that was playing the star wars theme, with star wars and star trek characters sitting on it/walking around it... AND on the trailer there was a Tardis... yes, Doctor Who's mode of transport was riding on a trailer. Then I even noticed that someone was walking behind the trailer with a long multi-coloured scarf and an afro ... OhEmGee old school Doctor Who. I'm sure most people had no idea what was going on but I chuckled.

Eventually (it was a very long parade) a truck came past that had "HERITAGE HOTSPOTS - Mit 'Otto' UND 'Frieda'" on the front and there, to our amusement, was our friend Karalee waving, wearing a veil and standing next to her "bridegroom" who actually happened to be her brother in law. ^.^

And that folks, was the reason we came! Haha... inadvertantly Nannal got drunk, so that was a bonus...

Anyway I am pleased to report that, for the most part, the parade was harmless and I saw no floating corpses as feared. Although there was this one float where a guy was wearing a really wierd mask and picking up dirt/sand and muttering something... I was thoroughly confused/wierded out by that, but hey... what's one creepy float?

In other news I have become a real internet addict. I have been steadfastly ignoring the mess that is threatening to take over the whole house while staring resolutely at my computer screen. I play a lot of online games, I incessantly check YouTube for new videos and check my reader for new blogs. I wish people had as much time as me so that they could update as often as I check but then I guess the whole world would grind to a halt, since I never get anything done, thus neither would they.

I think I am possibly the worst housewife ever. I did NOTHING this morning while Mister was at work. So to distract him from that fact I seduced him when he got home... and luckily he hasn't said anything about the state of the living room... or the kitchen... or the bedroom... or anything! For now...

Not that I seduced him for that reason alone... it ended up being an excellent mood lift too. And because I was so very happy, HE was so very happy because his ego just grew like 50 times thanks me appreciating his "prowess". He jokingly said I should tell all my friends, and while I wouldn't go that far, I HAVE blogged about it .. kind of... so that should serve to inflate his head more. Lol.

Aaaaanyway. Enough of that for now I think! Better go back and check my Reader... what if someone blogged in the last 10 minutes????

:-P

Vintage-esque

2009-04-17T17:45:00.000-07:00

Today is the Vintage parade in the Barossa... This is a phenomenon I usually read about in the paper not actually attend. But this year I live in the heart of the valley and thus I thought I'd go. Plus, you know, one of my best friends is on a float and since I have neglected to see her for like, more than a month, I should damn well make the effort!

If you don't know, and there are high chances that you don't, the Vintage festival is an annual event in the Barossa where people get all excited about ... well, as the name suggests, the Vintage. Its a wine area - what do you expect? But in the Barossa there are all sorts of odd traditions, one of which creeps me out. That is, where people enter a scarecrow competition... so there are big life size dolls around the place dressed up in various costumes that I always have to look twice at because if you don't it kind of looks like a corpse... creepy I know.

Then there is the tradition in the Tanunda supermarket (which also has life size dummies at the entrance dressed in Foodland uniforms... hm) where the checkout chicks have to wear ye olde clothes. Like skirts and bonnets and aprons... Its cute... but still wierd. Especially if you just dropped in on your way through with no idea it was vintage and just thought that it was a very backward town/supermarket.

Still the big thing is the parade, so I'm told. So I'm going to sit in front of my boyfriend's Grandparent's house and watch. And snap photos. At least it will be an experience?

Oh ... and I'm sure there will be even more stupid doll/dummy/scarecrows involved which will just be even creepier considering they will be on floats... Floating corpses... I mean ... Eeep!

2009-04-15T04:12:00.001-07:00

A day wasted... kind of.

Today I sat in front of the computer from about 7am til 1130 and then from 12 til 4. Perhaps I have a problem... But it doesn't feel like a problem. It just feels like I'm spending alot of time in the same position. Perhaps I need one of those balls that you sit on. That would be awesome.

So all this sitting means that I don't have much to blog about lately ... which makes me sad. Reading all these awesome blogs at the moment due to BEDA makes me feel inadequate.

OH well... It is what it is, ain't it? (Now that's confusing...)

Ciao!

2009-04-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

Just a couple of things to blog today...

1) I guess someone took pity on me, because I now have a copy of Harry, A History and am reading it with great interest. It is making me wish I was more involved in the HP community though... living in South Australia there aren't any HP Conventions or anything awesome like that. I wish there were... I could nerd out with my books out! (Like what I did there? lols I'm silly).

2) Easter! I didn't get heaps of chocolate... but I am certainly happy. We went to my parents place for dinner last night (Easter Sunday) and it was mighty enjoyable. We had kaessler and sauerkraut and YUM. My sister was also there for a while but she had to leave because young Charlie was not settled and was about to get grumpy... which is not good. Poor Teeni.

I plan to go and see her tomorrow at her house because I'm a little worried about her. She said she has the "baby blues" and cries a lot ... which makes me REALLY worried about her. I know its a huge culture shock so to speak, but I want my sister to be happy and OK with everything. So I'm going to see if I can help make her feel better and perhaps organise some strategies to help her out. She obviously isn't getting enough sleep (I wouldn't cope with that just on its own let alone with a baby to deal with too!) but I think we can figure something out.

Anyway... That was all I wanted to blog! I think I should emphasise though, if you are a HP fan in SA.. make a fandom with me. We can wrock out :-)

x

A missed opportunity

2009-04-06T01:56:00.000-07:00

The other day I was shopping with my lovely boyfriend when we wandered into JB Hifi. I love that store - full of music that isn't usually stocked by music stores, DVDs that you can't find anywhere else and all at really competitive prices... Anyway I got so overwhelmed and picked up two movies that I wanted, and happened to be cheap and a PC game.

Later we wandered into a book store, but much to my distress I'd spent all my available money in JB. NO! I could have totally got that book that I really want: Harry - A History, but alas it was too late. So from now on I am going to stick a list to my wall and write down the things I really want on it so that next time I have a spare $30 to spoil myself with I can think clearly and get something that will really make me smile.

Anyway... that's all for now. I had a rather busy day at work (working at a Chocolate store during Easter is a bit stressful) and I have another lined up tomorrow so... better have dinner and curl up to another, less Harry Potter-esque book.

xo

Accidental BEDA

2009-04-03T17:38:00.000-07:00

I am apparently accidentally doing BEDA - Blog Every Day April. Today is the 4th of April and this will be my 4th blog in April... amazing. Accidentally amazing, but amazing nonetheless.

Today is odd because yesterday was so long and eventful, yet today its almost midday and I have done nothing. I have put away some clothes and done some dishes as well as catching up on blogs and what not but no one has a had a baby yet... so its kind of out of sorts lol.

I am going to go and see young Mr Nephew tomorrow with Nannal, who very reluctantly agreed to come along. You see he is not a big fan of babies. Like - he doesn't like them at all. So it was hard to convince him that THIS baby is way better than the other babies. And he is! Sure, I'm biased... but if you just saw his little face doing his little baby thing... you would agree. He's so adorable/awesome/cute/small/beautiful/handsome. I'm smitten!

Anyway... Hopefully my next blog will contain some actual news or discussion rather than me waffling on about how much I love my nephew. Lol... Sorry!

xo

Nephew!

2009-04-03T05:03:00.000-07:00

My nephew was born today at 11.29am. He weight 7lbs 6oz and he was 51 cm long. He rated 1,000,000 on the adorable scale. :-)

Oh and his name is "Charlie Jay". How sweet is that? Ah ... I've never been clucky but this baby is amazing. He's my little sister with a bit of little Justin mixed in ... and in a tiny cute package. Oh and he favours the word "Eh" alot. He's like Rihanna in a non-annoying way. If he said "Umbrella - eheheh" I would just go "Aaaaaw". As it is though he's unlikely to say umbrella.. just "eh eh eh" a lot and then hiccup.

<3

Impending Nephew

2009-04-01T23:50:00.001-07:00

Nephew is on his way! Well... my sister has a time to be at the hospital, and then she will be induced... so he is kinda on his way. Either way he must come out because my sister is developing preeclampsia which is like... damaging and whatnot.

Anyway I predict not getting much sleep tonight. Like - at all. Uh oh - grumpy manda here we come!

xo

Potter

2009-04-01T02:19:00.000-07:00

OK I have to admit something. The last few days I have become a bit Harry Potter mad again. Its always been lurking there beneath the surface, but it just hasn't come to the fore lately. I guess with the books having been out for so long, and the wait for the last one well and truly in the past, I haven't had reason to be a fanatic.

But I've been watching the Five Awesome Girls ... and finally I searched for wizard rock videos, or WROCK, and I'm hooked again. My lord... its hit me again! I've been watching the movies, reading the books, watching all the HP related stuff on YouTube and reading the leaky cauldron, and mugglenet again. I suppose its timely given that the movie comes out in a bit over 100 days but still... people say you move on from this kind of thing. But I guess I haven't!

Anyway. Just thought I'd confess that little bit.

Goodnight!

P.S., Still waiting for the nephew. He's so inconsiderate!

OMG

2009-03-31T17:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stumbled across something online that made you go "OMG THIS IS AMAZING!"? Well I have. Several times actually, but this time its actually in a productive vein.

I was reading Apophenia today when Danah mentioned another researcher named Bernie Hogan who will be working for ... (drum roll please) the OXFORD INTERNET INSTITUTE. OMFG. This is amazing. I literally said out loud: "Oh my god - this is amazing!" to no one in particular.

I really really want to work towards being involved somehow. But at the same time I know it will be incredibly hard work to do so. I know that all my friends and family will laugh at me and say things like "Oh your so clever you'll get in easily." But I don't think they'll realise just how difficult it will be. This isn't a normal university thing. This is Oxford. I don't even know if I could be involved before I finish a PhD. And even then I would have to have my stuff/shit incredibly together to get in. I'd have to be a walking encyclopaedia of knowledge about my area. Oh lord! But its something to aim for... Something!

Excuse me while I run up and down the hallway yelling "Eeeeeeeee!" confusing everyone.

xo

OH! P.S. My sister is still waiting for her son to arrive! He will have to be born by Thursday after noon or he will be induced so... Anytime now!

Getting On Track

2009-03-25T00:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I feel like this, but at the moment I feel like I've gone off track. As much as I would argue that you could never actually go "off track" because everything that you do in life teaches you something or sets you towards something else, I have this feeling that I'm drifting a bit. This is probably most likely because until now, I've always had a definite set of goals to work towards, with multiple little goals on the way that I could happily tick off and smile.

I like lists, I like orders, I like charts. Yes - I love genealogy lol - it combines all these things...

But why do i feel off track exactly?

Well for one this is the first year of my adult life where I haven't had any institutional structure to base my life on or fit my life around. I have no assignments due, I have no lectures to attend and I have no set readings. This is really wierd for me. I have considered many times going online and finding some random topic to study just to get that feeling back... but I feel like I should probably learn to deal with it because I can't be a student forever.

I don't have a 9-5/Mon-Fri job either. I work once or twice a week in the city any time from 8.30am-5.30pm (til 9pm on Fridays or 3pm on Saturdays) from Monday to Saturday. So I have no real way of using that for structure either. The only thing I base most of my life on is the old Daytime/Nighttime thing ... which is actually really helpful ^.^

A typical day for me involves a myriad of things... well, that's a lie. It involves a combination of these things:

Cleaning - I am trying to get everything neat and organised so I don't groan when I walk into a room. Flylady is slowly helping me with this issue...
Socialising - Sometimes a friend will come over! Or I will go and see a friend! Sometimes my boyfriend is home and we hang out doing one of the last two things on the list.
Computering - I spend an inordinate amount of time right here - in front of my monitor. Well, now that everything is set up, its actually TWO monitors! How nerdy is that? I play WoW, I facebook, tweet on twitter, watch YouTube videos, read my favourite blogs on my reader (google if you are wondering), research things mentioned in the academic blogs (I can call this preemptive research for the PhD) and generally surf.
DVD watching - Recently I watched all of That 70s Show again ... and by again I mean for the 4th time. I just love that show and I'm always so sad when it ends. I want more! What happens in the 80s man? Why are actors and directors etc. always so selfish to not spend the rest of their lives creating a show for ME?! Ok. Calming down. I also watch Scrubs and How I Met Your Mother. A while ago we watched all of Stargate. What do I watch now? Yet another point of indecision in my life. Lol/sigh.

Anywho. As you can tell its not exactly an enviable life. I have room for SO much more. I could be getting my art together again. I could be learning something technical to do with computers so I don't get left behind in the technology age. I could be learning about ancient history, or not so ancient history... whatever. *sigh*

I guess what I should be doing, rather than dissecting all this, is putting together some more goals. Or at least reevaluating and recommitting myself to these goals.

I need to get another job. This year is my year off from study, wherein I planned to make money. Sure, its a recession ... but I will get another job eventually ... I have 2 degrees forchrissake!

I need to develop my creative side: Write more poems, blog more, DRAW. PAINT. All that fun stuff that I swore I didn't have enough time to do last year.

I want to plan and prepare for my PhD. I need to hone in on my topic of interest and make it more "thesis-able" (new verbs anyone?). I mean "The Internet and stuff..." is incredibly vague. Who would give me money for that? No one, that's who.

OH! And to bloody keep in touch with my friends. I go weeks without talking to the people I love most in the world! I spoke last to Lindsay and Lealei when I got off the plane... OMG FAIL. I spoke last to my highschool friends even longer ago. Embarrassingly longer ago. (Facebook doesn't really count).

So there we go. I actually feel a little better now. The only thing left to do is to actualise all this good intention - turn it into things that can be part of my daily life. We shall see.

Kind of a place holder...

2009-03-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

So over the last few weeks my blogging has dwindled. Yet I feel like I'm forgetting more and more things. Perhaps I should combine blogging with trying to remember stuff! Good plan I think...

1) Lately I've been thinking about Anthropology again. This is probably because I very nearly almost took a scholarship to do my PhD last week, and I've been thinking about possible topics and ideas for when I eventually do jump into the PhD world. At work the other day I was thinking about the way that people justify eating for pleasure. Working at a quality chocolate shop, Haigh's, I often come across people who come in and justify why (or why not) they are going to eat chocolate. Most of the time people just go with the "treat yourself" line. Sometimes they say "I'm going to be naughty" or "I shouldn't but I will" and some people go on about the health benefits of chocolate in general and particularly dark chocolate. Of course there are some people who don't care about justifying they just want to talk chocolate. They LOVE chocolate, and damned if anyone tells them its not "proper" food (which, oddly enough, my boyfriend tells me constantly). So wouldn't it be interesting to see how people view eating for pleasure. I wonder if Bourdieu has anything to say? ... Hm. Probably but I'm not going to read him to find out (I'll let someone who has give me a general idea... I can't penetrate his text!)

2) Online culture sensationalism! Geeeeeeeesh it drives me batty. I read the transcript for an interview with a respected academic or researcher or something who was going on about the way the online or screen cultures are very much "here and now"/"no consequences" experiences, and that they as such alter our way of behaving and thinking. She compared saving the princess in a computer game, to reading about the princess in a book. She said that when you save the princess in the computer game, you don't care about who the princess is, how she feels and why you are saving her. You just want to complete the objective. And if you die, or she dies, you just start again - no big consequences. However if you were reading a book, you care very much about who this princess is, why she needs saving, how she relates to people and whether or not she dies.

Now sure, for some people this may be true. But she really needs to get some field work in because, as any one who has spent a great deal of time playing online games would know, there are many consequences for actions. Sure if you die, you can come to life again very quickly. But if you piss people off, you will face the consequences. If you don't save the princess, you won't progress. And if you are interested enough, you can read the back story and find some very intricate often moving or even amusing stories about the people involved in your quests, especially in the mega populare World of Warcraft.

You can argue all you like that this is different to reading. That you can ignore all the back story just to get to the "end" (really, there is no end in MMORPGs), but that is VERY different to there being no consequences. These people who can't be bothered with the back story or the consequences are equally as unlikely to be bothered with reading a book, so how is that changing behaviour? Isn't it more catering for it?

Furthermore this woman suggested that there was a link between screen culture and the threefold increase in the prescription of drugs used to treat ADHD. WHAT?! One of her arguments against screen culture relies heavily on the nature of online culture/computer based activities being based in "sound byte" information. Here and now or here and RIGHT now. Therefore the inability of people to sustain their attention over long periods of time in contexts outside the "screen culture" must be linked to the increase in the prescription of drugs used to treat ADHD. (Might I add that she doesn't say the "increase in the diagnosis of ADHD" or the "increase in the instances of ADHD" but focuses on the drugs... Odd huh? Does she not believe in the disorder?)

According to my research (which, admittedly I did 2 years ago), the increase in ADHD diagnosis across the board is linked to the increased information available about diagnosable behavioural disorders. When no one knew about ADHD, no one was diagnosed with it. That doesn't mean that no child in the 20's 30's or even 1800's had the symptoms that would today be classified as ADHD. It means that no one knew that there was such a label for these sets of issues, and no one knew that these problems could be handled by administering a drug. Now I do NOT beleive that drugs are the answer for ADHD affected kids or adults. I'm just saying that I find it very difficult to believe that there is a link between methylphenidate prescription and increased use of computers/tvs/screens in general.

If our culture is now catering for people with short attention spans, and not encouraging people to try to extend them, then I can see how we might diagnose that as an attention deficit. But I don't see how we can assume causation.

I'm struggling very hard at the moment not to off on a rant about ADHD. I will say though that ADHD is a western disorder, and I believe that it is a handy diagnostic label that can be applied to kids who think differently, and don't fit in with the normal expectations that children will behave all in a similar fashion. Just because some one is different does not mean that they are disordered. Our society needs to learn to cater for difference within a paradigm other than medicine and disorder.

/END RANT.

Wow. That went on for a lot longer than I intended. And I'm sure when I read it back I could add a lot more on. You know, qualify this or show another opinion there... But I won't. Save that for the thesis eh? Haha.

Anyway I think I'm going to go away and read some more blogs now. There are some REALLY good ones about at the moment that deal with some of the things I'm interested in studying for my PhD (social media, online networking, online role playing, online culture and community etc.). Email me if you are interested in where to find good thinkers about these topics!

xo

Manda blogs about stuff... but then disappears

2009-03-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

I kind of disappeard didn't I?

I guess I just blogged myself out. I've been in a wierd place lately... I don't know.

Its not like I haven't had anything to say.

So in an effort to be a blogger again I'm just going to write random things that I see online.

"I am the spectator, who secretly wants to be spectated." - Chatbott.
How freaking real is that online?

Have you ever wanted to know the kinds of things I think about when I'm doing my special version of anthropology? Look at videos by Michael Wesch. He's so ... so right. And clear. If I could be half as clear I'm sure I would feel a lot more in control of where I think I'm going.

Think about all that! Its amazing isn't it?

Almost School Time

2009-02-18T02:29:00.000-08:00

Oh god I really am a nerd. Its nearing the end of February, and its that time when Uni students start to get their stuff together. Books, folders, bags... readers! Oh gosh I love readers... And I'm so jealous. I know I said I'd have a year off but the more I think about it the more I want to do it all over again.

Crazy woman huh? Yeh.

I guess its just such a huge part of who I think I am, that I find it hard to let it go.

Ever since the first time I saw an intelligent young girl in a TV show, and identified her as confident and cool, in a way that I percieved I wanted to be, I decided that was who I would be. I have managed the school bit, the study bit, the loving books bit, but I've never been cool! Still, I love that perception of myself though. The studier.

And its developed into something more that than too; something more than what I want others to see me as. I have a desire to learn. I love the act of study. I love the way that things click and you have moment after moment of "ooooh! i get it!". I just do. And I know that most of it is entirely useless, because when I die, who cares what I know? Who cares what I've read? And who cares if I knew things in an entirely different way to anyone has ever known things before? But something feels right in a way that makes me smile... in the way you smile when you think about your closest relationships. (My little sister who is pregnant with her first child excitedly telling me that her baby has hiccups! My boyfriend spontaneously jumping on me in a giant affectionate hug. My friend coming to see me just because I sounded a bit sad in my Facebook status... See? Smiles!)

Anyways. I don't know if I'll enter anything formal this year or not, but I know that I could never give up learning.

Ok. Wierd post... but I had to blog. Its been too long! And that's what I was thinking.

x

My Country is burning

2009-02-09T14:16:00.000-08:00

I like that title. "My country is burning".

It is black, and it is red and the waves of heat warp our vision so that we struggle to recognise landscapes as our own. They can't be ours. They are burnt, and black, red embers, orange licks of flame that light up the brown, ash filled skies.

I am so sick of summer, the Australian trademark. Burning its name onto the land. Marysville, a town I visited when I was 11 years old... it had beautiful snow, lovely old houses, nestled in trees and bushes. There was a car museum, and local shops where my sister and I bought book to colour in, and stickers to put in them. Marysville no longer exists. The land is there, but it is burnt, broken, charred and disappeared.

So many people have died in ways that you don't want to imagine too closely for the horror of it. Burnt alive. Or perhaps more mercifully, they passed out from smoke before they were killed in the flame.

Seperated families. Whole families. Lovers. Unrequited loves. Children.

I can't bear to think about it, but how could you bear not too?

Reading reading reading...

2009-01-30T14:17:00.000-08:00

Last year I watched a few youtube channels with some regularity. I started this habit in 2007 when Nannal and I discovered the Vlogbrothers. We watched every episode and loved it... knowing the inside jokes, and getting to know these very funny, real people. In 2008 I watched the fiveawesomegirls, and the fiveawesomeguys more than anythings else. One of the FAgirls, Kristina (Monday) had a goal at the beginning of last year to read 50 books... and I thought that was a good idea. So I decided to steal that goal, and use it for myself...

I thought that I should blog about this today because 1) I just read Kristina's blog which reminded me that I hadn't blogged about this particular thing; and 2) because I plan on doing a lot of reading over the next few days.

You see, being ridiculously hot over the last few days, my only shift for this week was cancelled (no one buys chocolate in the heat apparently... sensible I suppose). Which means that I have a whole week with absolutely nothing to do. This is thus a good opportunity to have a mini-holiday. I can read... I can blog... I can tidy up my desktop and organise which stuff goes on which computer... I can be all arty!

But back to the reading. Perhaps I should create a list or something on the side to show what I've read so I can keep track... I started doing this in November last year so by November this year I will (hopefully) have a list that is 50 items long! Woot!

So far I've read:
13 Little Blue Envelopes - Maureen Johnson
Paper Towns - John Green
The Book Thief - Markus Zusak
The Witchfinders - Malcolm Gaskill
An Equal Heart and Mind - Margaret McKinney
A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
The Ministery of Special Cases - Nathan Englander
The Rope of Man - Witi Ihimaera

and now I'm reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman. This might have been a bad choice because it is over 600 pages long... but I can do it! :-P

Anyways... that is what's what... or however that clunky saying goes.

Wish me luck with the reading!

x

follow up

2009-01-28T23:19:00.001-08:00

What to do what to do...

But of course! Blog!

My last blog mentioned a horrible horrible conversation I had with my boyfriend. At some point when I got back to SA, and we were driving home, we did break up. I don't know how or why really but we did.

Don't panic though, it wasn't for long. We talked and we cried. And then we just decided to take it one step at a time, not look too far ahead, and just be us. I don't like that I can't rely on our relationship as much as I did not even a week ago, but that's the way it is. He freaked out. He read too much into what we were doing, and what it meant we were going to be doing. He also is a 21 year old male... who wants to ... erm - spread his seed, shall I say? But in the same breath he's also in love with me (he assured me), and can't imagine someone being as good as me (I blush retyping that...). So what do we do?

In the horrible hours that passed between our first conversation on the phone, and when I got to see him and talk to him face to face, I thought a lot of things. One was that cliche -"If you love them, let them go. If they love you they will return." And it made my heart ache. Mainly because it made me realise that yes I do love him, but no I don't think enough of myself to trust he would come back. I can't let him go ...

I also thought, pushing aside the pain of breaking up, that if we weren't together, I would probably save up money and leave the country... or study again... or leave the country to study. So when we were deciding to "start again" (not that we really can... you can't erase 3 years), we decided that, rather than buy a house, we would save to travel. To go to America.

I don't know what to do about his yearning to experience ... well, exploits so to speak ... but I know he wants to go to America to meet some online friends and hang out for a while there. Who knows, maybe I'll get confident enough to turn a blind eye while I go and travel Europe for a bit... Eh. Its all so hard to think about.

But I think the main thing is that he's still there. He still loves me. I still love him. Whether or not that is smart remains to be seen.

x

2009-01-26T15:21:00.000-08:00

What a long break from blogging. Moving house seems to disrupt these things doesn't it.

Last night I had a horrible horrible conversation with my boyfriend. I am thousands of kilometres away from him, he was drunk, I was sobering up, and he decided that we should probably break up. We didn't. But we cried and talked and it was horrible.

Horrible horrible.

My advice, don't take calls when you are hungover or drunk and thousands of kilometres away.

Echoes...

2009-01-15T22:43:00.000-08:00

A new day, an increasing sense of absense. This house feels less like my home, but my new place hasn't filled that void yet either. I doubt that it will. If my bedroom is open for all who wish to walk through, whenever they desire to get to the bathroom, how can I feel any sense of security, ownership or privacy? I can't. So I'm at my house, which for now is still my house. I can sit topless at the computer, and know, with certainty that no one will walk in.

Yes I'm in one of those moods. A mood when the absense of people is difficult to deal with. My friends are somewhere doing what ever it is they do when they are not with me. My boyfriend hasn't contacted me yet today, so I'm sure he's happily playing WoW in front of a fan. My family is up north, being a family. And I'm here. I'm in a house with very little left in it... yet paradoxically still too much to do before the "you must be out or else" date.

I should be distracting myself by doing those things that still need to be done instead of dwelling on my mood through my blog, but hey - I'm allowed a little self indulgence once in a while aren't I? As long as I recognise what it is... which of course makes me feel silly ...

Moving on.

In the words of Alan,

Today I...

- woke up 15 minutes before my alarm, giving myself time to watch YouTube videos... which rocked.
- Lamented that I'd packed the tea and taken it up to the new place already... then found the tea! Miracles of miracles!
-Thought I would vomit on a bus on the way to work... luckily didn't.
-Had an awesome bargain breakfast at an awesome café in Adelaide - Ecco Espresso Bar at the Hilton entrance to Adeladie Central Market Arcade. Recommended.
- Worked for 5 hours, most of which was spent wondering if there was ANYTHING to do...
- Read some more of the most awesome book I've read in a while... look it up, see if its in your library and read it. Its called "The Rope of Man" by Witi Ihimaera
- I tidied, I blogged and then, I will probably read some more...

Enough!
Back to the non-computer world!

Its really late and I shouldn't be blogging

2009-01-15T05:23:00.000-08:00

Its really late and I shouldn't be blogging ... but I am. Because I'm self-destructive like that. Nevermind.

I just thought I would quickly do this.

Dear Amanda,

You are too judgemental of the people around you, because they remind you of yourself. Don't nitpick when all you are doing is criticising yourself, whilst hurting and annoying other people.

You expect too much of people, and probably don't listen to them enough to know what it is they are really trying to say. A few moments of insight and compassion don't make up for most of what you miss.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You have people who love you enough to tell you when you are too much of a bitch. Even though people find it hard to let you in as much as you would like them to, life isn't a TV show, and you aren't the protagonist. Just let it go, let it happen, and let it be.

Every moment contains within it the purpose and meaning of your life. Don't forget about that and get lost in thought.

I love you, you silly head.
xo

A new AWESOME quiz...

2009-01-13T13:23:00.000-08:00

This is stolen from John who says he stole it from facebook ...

What you do is, you type your name into google with the given word, and answer with your favourites!

Note: you can do this with your whole name, but since it doesn't work very well for me I've just gone with Amanda...

1. Amanda "needs"...
- YouTube - amanda needs to pee
well... I did need to pee but I've fixed that...
-Amanda C. Needs Some Direction « NewTeeVee
probably, I mean that's a fair comment ...
-Amanda needs to be loved - Carbone & Money - Opinion - theage.com.au
YES I DO. Well, I believe I am loved, but that doesn't change the fact that I need to be.
-Amanda needs a better storyline - All My Children Message Boards ...
Lols ... yes I do need a better storyline... I would love to write a book, but that storyline eludes me.

2. Amanda "looks like"
-Life in a Suitcase: Amanda looks like"Amanda looks like any nerd in school, but she is actually really smart and cool . She is smart because she knows everything about bugs"
Well, I don't actually know anything about bugs... despite people confusing Anthropology with a whole plethora of other professions including things to do with bugs. But I think I'm smart and cool ... which means I'm probably not...
-Stefani : photos : Christmas 2005 : Amanda looks like she is ...
Looks like she is what? I just had to click the link, and apparently "Amanda looks like she is pouting here"...

3. Amanda "says"
-Boy v. Girl Amanda says: As crazy as it sounds, we lie to make it seem like we're not Little Miss Bitch. If a dude asks us out and we're just not attracted, ..."
Well I'm not sure if that's true... well, probably...
-MySpace.com - Amanda says [{ Im so tired of bullshit!!}] - 20 ..
That's true...
-amanda says gimme that coffee drink on Flickr - Photo Sharing!
That's true...
Oh and apparently there is a website actually called "amandasays.com" and "amandasays.co.uk". Crazy huh?

4. Amanda "wants"
-YouTube - Super Amanda: Masterpiece Cleavage Blooper
Super Amanda wants to be Alistair Cooke in black satin corset ...
Lols.
-Amanda wants to go and play pictures from kittens photos on webshots
I'm not sure if that's a proper sentence... and by "I'm not sure if" I mean "No way", but I want to go and play with kittens, or look at photos of kittens... that's cool with me.
-Amanda Wants A Hug 'N Kiss
hehe... sure do!

5. Amanda "does"
-MySpace.com - Amanda Does What She Wants - 25 - Female - Fresno ..
I try to do what I want... hells yes.
-YouTube - super strong amanda does pushups
That's hilarious... I'm not super strong, and cannot do pushups...

6. Amanda "hates"
-YouTube - Re: Amanda hates good music
LIES!
-YouTube - Amanda Hates Feet
um... not really. I mean they are pretty useful.

7. Amanda "asks"
-ABC News: Amanda Asks: 'What Would Google Do?'
Lol. There were several links that had this phrase... I think I should start using it...
-Amanda (writer) and Riceman (tutor) Amanda asks "Do I need to push return after each sentence?" ... Amanda asks "Do you think that I should put it after her name or what?" ..
Yes.
That's odd.
I don't push return after each sentence.

8. Amanda "likes"
-Exotic yet ordinary: Amanda likes to distract herself with silliness
That's true.
-Amanda Likes Stalking
Only on facebook... I swear!

9. Amanda "eats"
(I didn't think this one would turn up much but apparently I eat a lot).
- Amanda eats Subway
-Amanda eats pellets
-Amanda eats my meat
-Amanda eats pandas

I feel uncomfortable about all of those except the first. The first is definately true.

10. Amanda "wears"
- JANET BED SCENE - AMANDA WEARS SEXY CHAPS AND RIDES MARSHALL LIKE ..
Oooookay... like what? um, I don't want to see.
-Amanda Lear - PHOTO HISTORY Yet another picture in which Amanda wears outfit from Christian Llinarés collection.
I wish I could wear an outfit from any collection that wasn't my own...

11. Amanda "was arrested for"
-Amanda Overmyer Arrested for DUI :: Celebrity gossip juicy ...28 Feb 2008 ... American Idol finalist Amanda Overmyer spent time behind bars for drink driving and has a string of other motoring offenses on her record, ...
oooh juicy goss that.

12. Amanda "loves"
-Jon: Amanda loves texture and living vicariously
True I suppose...
-amanda-loves-lesbians
I couldn't say that I know any lesbians personally for that statement to be fully true, but I guess I love lesbians for standing their ground, and loving who they want to love.

Well that's it folks! You should try it... adds a whole new dimension to googling yourself. Er... not that I do that regularly...

*cough*

x

Dear People.

2009-01-11T19:59:00.000-08:00

Today I drove a long way. And during my drive I thought - I should write a blog when I get home. But not about the boring trip, the boring town I went to, and all that. Rather, I should write a blog where I address an anonymous letter to each of my friends. Just short ones, and not to all my friends... but maybe just a few - like 3 perhaps.

So here goes. If you are my friend, maybe you know who I'm talking to... if you don't know me, and stumbled across this randomly, well, you can probably relate to what I'm saying.

___________________________________________
Dear friend,

We've known eachother for quite a while now, and we've been through quite a bit. I've always admired you but I couldn't begin to tell you why. You are a wonderful loyal friend, but lately things have changed. I don't know why completely, although I could speculate ... with everything that's happened in the last year I guess you could justify a bit of a change in attitude. The problem is, more so than usual, you couch what you say in passivity and ambiguity when it relates to your opinion. Worse, you'll complain about something that's wrong, and when someone else agrees that its crap, you'll defend it... I just don't know what to do anymore! I love you but you drive me crazy - original huh?

-Amanda

________________________________________
Dear friend,

I haven't actually known you that long if you think about it, but you are one of my closest friends. The trouble I have is that I struggle to have myself heard around you. Sometimes I will start saying something, but you will cut me off and start a conversation of your own, and no one seems to notice that I was saying anything at all. I find it frustrating both for the obvious reason of feeling my opinion isn't worth hearing, but also for the fact that I can't seem to bring it up because I value you too much as a friend to risk hurting you. Its complicated. Also - god damnit get some self confidence. There is a reason your friends love you like crazy, and its not because you've tricked us into doing so! You're an awesome, compassionate and loving person and you need to wake up and realise your special place in the world.

-Amanda

_____________________________________________
Dear friend,

I have known you for a long time too, but somehow I haven't ever had a fight with you. I don't know how, but we've always got along. You are my sister that turned out not to be my sister... which is good because we get all the awesome parts of sisterhood and none of the crappy angsty stuff that you get when you grow up. I admire you, I worry for you and I love having you around. I don't know what I'm going to do without you, but I think my phone will be used a little bit more often somehow. I want you to look after yourself and I do worry that you have a tendency to the excess, but I trust that you know when enough is too much, and the people you keep around you are good people too. But if it is ever too much, I know that you trust me enough to come and ask me for help, or for a shoulder, or advice - or even just a hug. Because I love you in an unexpected, unconditional way.

-Amanda

If you read this, and you think its you, it might not be. If you feel offended, don't be. These are letters to my friends, who I love. Also if you recognise the negative qualities, that doesn't mean its you! Part of the reason things annoy me is because I recognise those qualities in myself, and so they annoy me in other people more than other things, because they are things about myself that I don't like... see? Ah. Complicated. Relationships are fun. :-P

Now, just because he always wants me to, here is a bit about ... sex.

We have it.
We like it.

;-) Sorry honey, that's all I feel comfortable revealing on a semipublic forum.

I love you!

xox

Charities and the Internet.

2009-01-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

Most of the time I tend to take my connection to the internet for granted. Way for granted... even though it is a majorly important part of my life. But some people don't have access to the internet and don't know its wonders. They have no idea about youtube, about blogs, about all the things that I do on a daily basis... I'm lying - more than a daily basis.

In society when you don't have enough money to buy food, you really don't have enough money to spend on non-essentials like a computer, or an internet connection. That's where this charity, Infoxchangehttp://www.infoxchange.net.au come into the picture. The founder, Andrew Mahar, decided that he would do something about this. Using ex-government computers done up by a team of long-term unemployed workers, the organisation hands out these computers to families in communities that need them most. They then go about connecting the houses to the internet, and away they go.

I don't think the majority of people would realise how much help having the internet is to underpriveleged people. Aside from having access to things like job search websites, email, internet banking etc., they also have access to knowledge which increases their opportunities in society. Mahar also argues that in underpriveleged communities the things that bind them are all negative - drug problems, violence, unemployment, family problems -but bringing in computers and internet connection can bring a positive aspect to the community.

I am a big fan of this charity, even though I only found out about it a few days ago, because in Uni we studied the homeless issue and found that one of the biggest problems that people have is getting their foot in the door. If you have been long-term unemployed or long-term homeless, your opportunities are greatly decreased because employers make negative assumptions about the people. Having the Internet gives them access to information that could better their situation, opportunities to make their way up in the world, and back into the community of employed "useful" members of society.

Anyway. Just thought I would point it out because I think its an awesome idea, and seems to make an attempt to make a difference rather than a band-aid solution to a widespread, deeply seated host of problems in society.

x

In the midst of the stuff.

2009-01-09T16:57:00.000-08:00

I am taking a break from packing, partially because I deserve it, partially because I have uncovered too much dust and need to let it settle, and partially because damnit, I'm buggered.

A blog in 3 parts!

1. AFP concert
Last night after my impromptu late night blog post, I went to Amanda Palmer website where I realised that I had overlooked the tour dates there because I thought they were only European dates. To my shock I found a post (that I'd glanced at before) entitled "European and Australian Tour Dates" ... and AUSTRALIAN?!?!?!?! So I raced to see when and where, and discovered that Amanda announced 3 dates in Aus next month. I fretted for a while, wondering if I should book then and there, wondering if they were sold out already, wondering if it was selfish of me to go to Sydney as well as Cairns this month, and NT in March all without Nannal... but finally, thanks to a prompt from my lovely friend Heather, I booked the tickets. Yay!

Amanda Palmer is by far my favourite musician. Not because she has a perfect voice, not because she plays perfect piano - she doesn't have a technically perfect voice, and she can't read music (tho you couldn't tell to listen). I love Amanda Palmer because she puts real soul into her music. She puts real voice and real passion into her music. Its ridiculous how wonderful her music and lyrics make me feel. So... to understate it by a mile, I'm very excited about the upcoming concert.

2. my possessions
I have been going through my things, and with half the furniture missing, it makes my stuff look kind of ... well, like stuff. Piled as it is on whatever available horizontal surface I could find, my things look less meaningful than I usually think they are. Why do I keep it all?

I must have at least 20 bears here at this house... despite most of them still residing at my parents house. I have many trinkets of cats, and dragons and other random things, that I either bought for myself or was given by a friend. I have probably 30 necklaces. More bracelets. I have many many folders. I have too many clothes.

Really, I have to think: if the house burnt down, what would I be devastated that I'd lost? The answer is probably nothing. But I'd be really sad if I lost my oldest teddies...

I'd be quite sad if I lost the dresses mum made me ...

I'd be really upset if I lost the jewellery my family has given me over the years. Either heirlooms or just gifts...

I'd be sad about other things too... but in that circumstance I think I would also feel relief. I have bought or aquired so many things that try to represent who I think I am, and who others think I am that I manage to easily lose myself in them. The opposite of what we try to achieve through accumulation occurs...

That said, I still can't throw away all these boxes... but I'm starting.

3. no visitors to my site

The third part of this blog brings into question the purpose for this blog at all... I actually think absolutely no one reads this blog. While some people might be disappointed by this, I find it quite ... what's the word? It gives me the freedom to express exactly what I want.

That's the reason I don't blog so much on facebook, or at least why I don't blog as much as I did when I frequented that other social networking site that arguably started the "everyone must do it!" social networking craze - myspace. On facebook my blogs are announced to everyone who I am friends with, and its much easier for them to find it. On myspace, I was friends with less people who I didn't know that well, and I knew less of the people I was friends with would care to look at what I'd blogged.

Here, however, I feel the freedom to just write and not really bother so much with what anyone I know might think of me. I shouldn't worry so much about it, but really I do. And I think anyone who blogs would think it from time to time. How stifling to know that my friend from year 7 would read my deepest fears and silliest anecdotes if I told them. To those people who I barely know anymore I want to appear uncomplexly together and happy. To the people who want to know me, who can be bothered to read this or listen to whatever I say, they can read this and recognise it as very much a part of the real Amanda. Well, I hope so anyway.

hm...
I think I have well and truly exhausted my break time now.
Back to boxes; back to contemplating the importance of my stuff, my life, my space.

x

On Procrastinating 10 hours before the fact...

2009-01-09T03:01:00.000-08:00

In 10 hours, my boyfriend, his parents and a trailer will be arriving at my house. In 10 hours, I should have a clean bathroom, an organised house with boxes at the ready, space to move and an idea of what should be going and what should, for now, be staying... However. I am at my blog. Refusing to move...

Really - students do it best.
What can I pass of as productive then? I mean, aside from posting 3 blogs in one day...

Here is a poem.

Hiding in the rafters,
I hear them scurry.
I don't know why,
but I know they must need something.

Lying down beside me
I hear him breathing -
but here's me
imagining a world into his mind.

Sitting on the pavement
Feel the warmth.
Feel my skin -
For a moment I know nothing but this.
Surrender.

Oooooh. Good poem. (I feel like I'm talking to a dog). Stay poem - uh! - staaaaay. Good poem. Keep existing and making sense. I'll come back and check on you tomorrow to see if you're still a good poem, before I decide whether or not to keep you, or take you back to the pound.

xo

An old blog...

2009-01-08T22:44:00.001-08:00

A long time ago ... three years I believe... I had another blogspot blog. I have no idea how I came to have so many, mind you, but I did. This one can be located here. The last post I wrote went something like this...

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

so ben made a blog with his friend john where they debate stuff. yes, i know, its a good idea. BUT i'm jealous. you remember how jealous and left out i get? well, its happened again.

so to (once again) retaliate (even though its not so much a retaliation as an act of sugar induced randomness), i am now going to argue about the fact that the moon is made of cheese.

The propostion that the moon is, in actual fact, made of cheese is one which upon first viewing, seems somewhat preposterous. I mean, it is an accepted scientific fact that the moon is as most moons are, made of rock and other such normal satellite materials. However, I believe that I can prove this wrong following several totally logical (perhaps to begin with... we'll see) arguments, the conclusions of which you shan't be able to deny.

My first premise is one which needs to be stated in order to answer the obvious objection that man has visited the moon, found it to be rock-like (i.e., un-cheesy), and that this is fact. Yes, I have seen the footage, yes I saw the "hubub" surrounding the take off, the landing and all that. But I have also seen a television program which proposes a conspiracy theory. "Man never landed on the moon" is its claim, and they have some convincing arguments. Mainly in the form of evidence surrounding the visit. One which I find rather unnerving is the presence of cross hairs in photographs on the moon. Simply and quickly put, cross hairs in the lense of a camera will always show up in the resulting pictures on TOP of the image captured, just as your finger, if placed in front of the lens, will obscure the view. In several pictures from the moon, which were supposedly "untampered", the cross hairs are obscured by images taken by the camera. Without tampering, this is simply impossible.

Perhaps more convincing however, are the shots (again "untampered" with) which show the moon-walkers exiting and moving around the space shuttle. They are clearly illuminated. The problem with this is that they are behind the space shuttle, that is, the shuttle is in between the sun and the moon-walkers. Now given that the only source of light on the moon, is the sun, how could this possibly be? Shadow and the bending of light is one thing, but clear illumination, and in fact (if I remember correctly) reflection, is a completely different, and somewhat impossible... well, thing.

So yeah. My argument begins with the premise that mankind has not actually visited the moon. So how do I get from that to the fact that the moon is made of cheese. I have two compelling points.

Compelling Point Number 1.
Once I saw another TV program which was called "Wallace and Gromit". In this documentary style show following the adventures of a man and his dog, a trip to the moon is filmed which contains footage of Wallace and his dog Gromit eating the moon, which is made of cheese. They even put it on crackers!

Compelling Point Number 2.
I have thought this through thoroughly and have decided that if I were the moon, what would I like to be made of? No, not harsh icky rocks. No, not dirty icky mud. No, water is nice, but a bit boring... What then? And the answer is clear. Cheese.

Compelling Conclusion Number 1.
The moon is quite obviously made of cheese. All evidence of the "rockness" and "non-cheesy" nature of the moon given by scientists and NASA is false, because they have fabricated their moon exploration trips (yes I only had points against the first, but I'm sure if given evidence I could disprove the others too). Clearly, the only people to have visited the moon sucessfully are Wallace and Gromit (although Gromit isn't technically covered by the term "people", he is given an honorary human title because he is really rather intelligent don't you think?) who we can see in real footage eating the moon, and finding it cheesy. Also, Amanda would like to be cheese, if she were the moon. What further evidence is needed, really?

More Realistic Conclusion Number 1.
Amanda is a strange lady who has too much time on her hands. She consumes too much sugar and watches too much television. Her theories about the moon are obviously flawed and do not rely on objective or reputable evidence and she uses fallacy and fantasy as premises to a conclusion nowhere near forced by the argument. She has an unnatural liking of cheese.

My Opinion on Meat.

2009-01-08T21:27:00.000-08:00

My opinion on meat is wholly hypocritical and laughable. On the one hand I fully believe that animals deserve the same respect as humans. They deserve to live and then die of whatever kills them in the natural world - sickness, disaster, accident or old age. They don't deserve to be viewed for various reasons as a food source to humans.

"Truely man is the king of beasts, for his brutality exceeds theirs. We live by the death of others: we are burial places! ... the time will come when men such as I will look on the murder of animals as they now look on the murder of men." ~Leonardo da Vinci.

I guess part of the question is the concept of consciousness. How can we deem it unlawful, immoral and abhorrent to kill another human being, based on the inherent values we beleive present in them, when we deem it normal, mundane and necessary to kill animals? Is it because we value our own consciousness as more superior, more important and more real than an animals? How arrogant are we to presume that we are the only species on this planet to be part of consciousness? How arrogant are we to presume that what we call emotion, thought and compassion - definitively human attributes by most peoples assumtions - are purely the domain of the human mind?

On the other hand - I have been brought up to consider meat a staple part of my diet to such an extent that I cannot picture my life without it. Sure, I don't actually eat meat that often if you look at my current week's diet. But that isn't because of the moral considerations I mentioned above, but more to do with my restricted budget and inability to cook well. My Dad introduced me to a love of steak. I am proud that I eat steak no less than rare. I can't stand it if it is cooked "medium" -even worse if its "well done"! Horror! It is grey and tastes like ... well, grey! Bleh. I love chicken. I love love ham, or even more prosciutto! mmmm...

But this is mostly because I have divorced the concept of meat from the concept of animal, and this is something I think that most people have been taught to do. We love our animals, and most people I know have pets, or have had pets that they love as much as they love any person. Yet, we don't see "cute Daisy the cow from the nursery book" when we look at a piece of meat - we see steak.

This is something I think I might try to address in my own life. I want to slowly ween myself off meat. I know my Dad will think I am crazy ... I know my boyfriend will complain that I'm not eating proper meals ... but I think I have to do it.

I can no longer ignore the fact that my belief systems, and my moral stance don't allign with my actual everyday life and practice. I cannot go on about consciousness and the interconnectedness of all life forms, matter, etc., if I am happy to allow animals to be cruelly killed.

If I'm craving steak, chicken, ham etc., I should watch "Meet your Meat" again and remember that the meat I want to enjoy is procured via horrific means, that do not in any way grant the respect I believe entitled to animals.

So if I'm that desperate for a steak, I really should go out, find a cow and see if I can bring myself to kill it. And lets face it - that's never going to happen. My cat once caught a bird and played with it for a while before leaving it dying on the porch for me to find. No one else was home so I called Mum and asked what she thought I should do. She told me to do the right thing and put it out of its misery rather than leave it dying, waiting for death or the cat to come back and torture it some more. She told me to just find a brick and drop it on the bird... But I couldn't even do that. Even when it would have benefitted the bird... I couldn't. Mum had to come home and do it for me...

So... that, my friends, is my long winded discussion on my opinion on meat... Want to know what got me thinking about it? A lovely chap from Durham in England by the name of Johnny. Watch his video here.

x

Going places...

2009-01-08T02:45:00.000-08:00

Today I went places. The first place was work. The second place was shopping. Thus, I shall divide this blog into two corresponding parts... logical aren't I? ^.^

Part One - the journey to work.

This part could also be titled "The Journey to the bus stop, the journey home, the journey to the bus stop, and then to work." I guess put succinctly like that it doesn't seem that interesting ... but it sure annoyed me so I'll blog it. Plus it gives me bonus blonde points...

This morning, I drove back to my house near Adelaide from the Barossa in order to go to work in the Chocolate shop. I got ready, swapped my stuff into a better bag, and remembered my keys, my diary and all the important stuff. I even packed a water bottle! So I trundled down to the bus stop, a little early, but early is better than late. 15 minutes later, I arrived at the stop, sat down and checked my bag for my lip balm. This is when I realised that I had left my wallet at home... *sigh*.

I guess I was early... but if you know me well, you'll know I hate HATE being late. To me, not running early is running late. So this wasn't good. Nevertheless I had no choice so I walked back home, grabbed my wallet, and walked to the bus stop again. My little walk of 15 minutes turned into almost 45... which is considerable for an unfit woman unfond of the sun.

Oh well ... you'll be pleased to know that I still arrived early. :-P

Part two - the journey to the Plaza

After work today I caught a new and scary bus. Well, to be fair most Adelaide buses are scary, while most of them are certainly - definitively - NOT new... I mean I caught a bus that I am not used to catching. I caught an o-bahn, otherwise known as the "super dooper fast scary" ones that zip along tracks towards the Tea Tree Plaza area.

Once there (the trip wasn't that scary ... except I had no idea when my stop was going to come up...) I went shopping! This is very exciting for me. I don't do that very often, but my good friend Karalee, who is also a very talented photographer, asked me to help her pick out some clothes to add to her collection of "professional photograph lady" attire. It was very fun! And ... maybe I bought myself a pretty little top... to add to my "I'm a professional damnit" collection.

oh you can't really see it well here can you? my camera died and now all i have is my isight camera which isn't so good for shots of my top on account of terrible lighting limitations...
ah ... you can kind of see the detail there. Isn't it pretty? Ruffles, buttons and pattern! Just what I was looking for. ^.^

So there you have it.
My day.
In most of its gloriousness... of course there were bits in the middle where I was at work. But that just consisted of me trying to do ribboning ... and failing about 30 times before finally doing an OK job. Oh, and eating a bit of chocolate too...

Wow. What an exciting life I lead.

Perhaps I should blog less about my life, and more about topics. That would be more interesting. But less narcisistc... and we can't have that!

Or maybe we will?
We shall see...

Oh January - such realms of possibility...

Being in 2009...

2009-01-06T19:22:00.001-08:00

I can't believe its 2009. Its so futuristic... I mean, I finished primary school a decade ago! (Yes, that does make me young...)

Also I turn 23 this year. Holy crap. That means I'm well into being an adult. Its my fifth year out of highschool. Its amazing. Although... I really feel like I should be doing more in 2009.

This will be my first year not studying - my first year out of University. I feel that I get alot of my sense of meaning from study. Its what I know, and what I am good at. Sure, I am also pretty good at customer service, I'm a good listener... I like writing and being creative etc., etc., but really, what I've always made a big part of my identity is "school" - learning, studying, writing, reading, being academic-like and what not.

It will be interesting to see how long I can last without it. If I will be able to fracture my strong association with study from my sense of self. I mean, I am much more than what I'm learning. I am much more than a student!

If you think about it, I probably should have looked in to teaching, or some kind of involvement with education, because I guess I do have passion for it. However, without any subjects taken at Uni that are taught at Highschool level, I've kind of limited my options.

Anyway. This year I have to focus on different things. Study can become a hobby. I have to focus on saving to buy a house... I have to focus on getting a job that I enjoy, and that is somewhat related to my abilities.
I have to focus on maintaining my relationship. I've been with Nannal for over 3 years now, and both new and old insecurities are starting to come in again. We've been together so long, that I worry he's getting bored with me, annoyed with me ... wanting to get with someone new, different and less... well, crazy. Then on the other hand I worry that I'm just with him because... I'm with him. Shouldn't my 20s be a time for experimenting and branching out? Of course, I'm with him because I love him. I find him entertaining and challenging (in good and bad ways). I find him sexy! I find him adorable. THAT is why I'm with him. But it doesn't stop the "I wonder if..." impulse.

PLUS - I have to focus on getting to know my new nephew, due in late March, early April! Sure, he won't have much to say for the first year or so, but I'm sure he'll let me know him well enough via other means.

So ... I'm going to stop blogging now, and start looking at random options on the internet. Maybe I should volunteer for a while? Maybe I should start writing creatively again? ...

Who knows?

Welcome to 2009, the future- though it looks much the same as the past.

On getting one's arse into gear....

2008-12-29T20:00:00.000-08:00

I finally came down to Adelaide today to get started with the packing. I'm glad I did because it makes me realise just how much I have to do. I really have to go through things and start getting rid of a WHOLE HEAP of CRAP. Not that I actually own anything that is purely crap... most things I bought, or someone gave to me. But still, I don't need it all do I?

So I have made a decision to be ruthless. Things that stay must only be things that I 1) can use, 2) absolutely love/make me smile 3) or Nannal can use or absolutely loves/makes him smile. Which means a lot of stuff that I feel I should keep will be disappearing. Not in the bin... but to the salvos (lucky them... I think).

The problem I have is that I see things that I think will help better define who I think I am to the world. I have to stop doing this... I have to stop buying into this basic appeal of STUFF that keeps consumerism going. Yes, that vase is pretty, but it doesn't in any way add to who I am. Who I am exists beyond things, beyond matter, beyond thought. So - what's the use of a vase? Its not like I keep flowers...

Unfortunately looking at all this stuff also makes me reform attachments to things. Like all the teddy bears or stuffed animals I own - when will I ever need those? I don't have children. I am not a child any more... So really, I should only be hanging on to the most important ones. But when I go to get rid of them I look at them and remember getting them, remember how soft they are, and remember the little personality that I and/or my sister have attributed to them. How can I give them away???

*Sigh* but I must.

So goodbye useless trinkets!
Goodbye excessive soft toys!
Goodbye stickers!
Goodbye too many kitchen utensils!

And more... I hope!
I can't afford the boxes if I keep all my stuff, so there's more motivation...

Being slack...

2008-12-29T00:20:00.000-08:00

Today I have spent virtually the whole day ... virtually. I have been sitting in front of my computer for hours. Well, not just my computer, but my boyfriends too... does that make it worse or better? Oh well.

The day has been spent looking up houses, lots of land, building companies ... jobs possibilities, council positions, ideas for finishing off an application letter (I always sound so awkward) ... and of course, a little bit of time on facebook, gmail, google reader, youtube, and all my other guilty on line pleasures.

The annoying thing is that I was supposed to be getting a lot of packing done this week. We have to be out of our current house in 22 days. And really, I haven't started. I need to pack books, go through nicknacks (throw away some to make room for new ones) and clothes ... I have to pack the kitchen, the spare room and clear off the table - being ruthless of course! Mustn't horde...

But I just can't get my arse into gear. I think I might have to go back tomorrow. Spend at least a day doing what I was supposed to be doing. And then, when I come up to the Barossa I can face the heavy task of moving into the rumpas room of my partner's parents' place. That's right - I said it.

Because our lease runs out very very soon, and because we want to buy/build a house, we have been forced to accept a temporary offer of staying in the back room of Nannal's parent's house. Its more like a granny flat - detached from the main house, with its own bathroom and a little bar with a sink. So it won't be that bad. Still, it will be wierd.

Nannal's Mum made me feel better when she explained that while she and Rodney were building this place, they had to stay in Rodney's parents' shed. They stayed there for - THREE YEARS - ... When I relayed this to Nannal I added "I am NOT staying here for THREE YEARS" to which he, amused, replied "ok".

But ... at least we have somewhere to stay.
Unlike my employment situation. I have a degree - technically I have two degrees... but I don't have a job yet. I was pretty confident that I would at least get to the second stage of a job I applied for a couple of weeks ago, but unfortunately I didn't. So now I'm stuck with lowered self-esteem, and a degree that isn't doing much good on its own. Yes, I always knew that I would have to argue for the applicability of my degree ... But I didn't think I would fail.

I am trying to stay positive and be all philosophical etc... I will get the job I'm supposed to get, and we'll get the house we're supposed to have. But its hard.

Then who ever said it would be easy?

(Note: apparently someone told Nannal it would be easy, because he is constantly complaining about how HARD life is... lol... he's such a grump).

After Christmas...

2008-12-28T17:01:00.001-08:00

Its that little time of year somewhere between Christmas and New Years when I get particularly reminiscent. I can't believe a whole year has passed... "Why not?" well...

2008 and has been a big, big, big year for me.
1. I completed my Honours degree this year. That's right, I'm now Amanda Claire Wells, B.A., Hons. bitches.
2. I quit my job at BP - finally! 4 years at BP, and I was bored to tears.
3. My Grandfather died in May. Not one thing in particular killed him... I guess you would say he died of old age. He was barely there anymore anyway, but then this kidneys started to fail, he got a blood infection and got pneumonia. Vale, Granddad.
4. My Mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. DON'T PANIC - Vital facts: caught VERY early. It was a super fast growing cancer but it was detected so early on that it hadn't spread. She's fine. Her hair is growing back after chemo and she still has two boobs... that's the important thing... /sarcasm.
5. My Grandmother almost died... then didn't ... then almost died again... but then recovered.
6. My sister got pregnant... its fine though, because by the time the baby's born she'll be 20 so its not a baby born to a teen, quite.

And other things that happened to people around me that affected me too.
BIG YEAR.

But looking back, it has also been a good year. I have always tried to argue that the things that have happened this year could be interpretted in positive lights too.

For example, my grandfathers death: while its horrible for us that he's gone, at least we got to say goodbye. He didn't die instantly, he held on. And we could all go and see him, and accept that this had to happen. It wasn't fun, but it was better than nothing.

My mother's cancer: caught so early its ridiculous. She had actually put off the mammogram by 6 months. If she'd had it when she was supposed to, there would have been nothing to detect... which means that her next one wouldn't have been for 2 years. Which means it would have been so big by say now, December 2008 that she would have been able to feel it, it would have spread and who knows what else...

My Grandmother's almost dying: made everyone realise how difficult her life with our other Grandfather is. The move to a retirement home is underway, and we won't have to worry so much about them not looking after themselves.... not that they're children... but they are both old, frail, and stubborn. Not so good.

You get the drift.

Despite all this though, I think I would like to make it my wish that next year brings more balance, less turbulence and a distinct lack of hospital visits, thanks very much.

2009 - New Years ... goals. They aren't resolutions.... I haven't resolved to do anything, but I would LIKE to do somethings.

1. Buy a house.
2. Lose a little bit of weight.
3. Build some savings up.
4. Start more frequent communication with Amy.
5. Get a job... a job that relates to my degree, or at least my interests.
6. Write for the pleasure of writing.
7. Draw for the pleasure of drawing.
8. Visit Granny at least once on my own.